Don't Worry, Be Appy
Episode #156: Naked Mountains, Drunk Lovers and Strangers in a Strange Land
Good news everybody! I just updated my Emotion Tracker app and I’m only three more smiles away from being mildly content!
I know what you’re thinking, just go ahead and knock them grins out and collect your Good Vibes Gold Coins already.
I wish it were that easy! The app makes you wait two hours between Selfie Smile Snaps.
The only way to do it sooner is to sit through 20 minutes of ads. Who has that kind of free time? Mental patients and bored elderly people. Not me.
The best I can do is stabilize my mood and hope that I still feel like making a happy face 120 minutes from now.
I could use some help, but unfortunately, I’ve used all my Positive Affirmation Motivations credits for the month.
Which sucks big time because I could have really used a “Go get ‘em, you smart and special boy” GIF right about now.
“You have nice calves and a kind spirit,” would have also hit the spot.
Am I ready to spoil myself and level up with a Gold Membership? You bet.
Unlimited Positive Affirmation Motivations would be super amazing, but if I spend $99 upgrading another app, my wife is going to kill me.
She’s fine with paying top dollar for Snore Protector Premium, but that’s because she thinks it's hilarious when the volume levels go red and the Bluetooth chin strap shocks me awake.
Other than that, she says I have “subscription issues.” One time she even called me an App Addict.
I don’t see it.
Just because a guy wants to optimize and streamline his life with single-purpose software applications, that makes him the same as a drug-taking person?
Maybe I’m just a chronic early adopter of kick-ass technology. A trailblazer!
Maybe I don’t want to put all my eggs in one weather app basket.
Am I dumb for paying for five different meteorological radar rain predictors? Or am I really SMART for comparing and contrasting forecast models from all over including Norway and space?
She says dumb. I say smart. We agree to disagree.
And we’ve also agreed that before I pay for any new app, I have to take it for a test drive. Kick the tires during a week-long courtship before getting serious.
I’ll admit this trial period process helped me dodge a few bullets.
After 7 days it became clear that a year-long subscription to the LinkedIn Lego Headshot Creator was not a sound investment.
Also a waste of money? The Ding-Dong Face Swap App that switched your face with anybody who showed up on your Ring doorbell. And the AI Fancy Cheese Identifier, which isn’t even smart enough to know the difference between Parmigiano Reggiano and a brick of artisan apple butter soap.
Lessons learned. Money saved.
Yes, there were a few bumps in the road.
Things did NOT go well during the Nutrition Buddy Pro User trial.
Apparently, when someone cooks you dinner, it’s rude to interrogate them about micronutrients and macro-minerals. You should just “eat the goddamn spaghetti” and say thank you.
And thank goodness I realized I accidentally downloaded Words with Friends with Benefits before my credit card was charged (asking for STD test results to play a Scrabble knockoff should have been a red flag).
Is it possible that I’m a little bit of an app hoarder? Sure. Maybe even more than a little bit.
When I asked ShrinkGPT if I have a problem, it said “probably.” TherapyGenie concurred.
And after shaking my phone, the Magic 8-Ball app said, “All signs point to yes.”
That’s when I realized it was time to take action. Four public toilet locator apps is three too many for anyone.
So this morning, I downloaded AppAddict Detox 2.0, an app that features daily exercises and insights designed to help me detach from digital dependence and forge my personal path to an app-free future.
Detox 2.0 deletes one app per week, and provides simulated grief support via chatbot after each software termination.
It works on my Apple Watch so I can track my heartbeat and vitals during app withdrawal. Pretty cool, right?
Even cooler? AppAddict Detox 2.0 can generate daily summaries that get delivered via video message using an AI-generated avatar that is modeled after your grandma. That way, you feel comfortable sharing feelings and whatnot.
Sadly, AI Grandma Summaries are only available to premium users.
I could upgrade, but that probably defeats the purpose.
Unless it’s worth it.
In which case, it would be dumb to NOT pay for it, right?
Right?
Episode #156 Playlist
1. “Lucy” - Mt. Joy
This band is named after a famous mountain that is SO MUCH FUN to hike. You guys. Seriously. I smiled like an idiot the whole way up and when I reached the summit, I wasn’t even tired. Up there at the tippy top, there’s a DJ and a bouncy house and the air is thick with the sounds of giggling adults. You can order sandwiches and take naps and everyone is super nice and mostly naked. It gets weird and a little Eyes Wide Shut at night, but otherwise, worth a visit!
2. “Assholes On Parade” - Timbuk 3
Look, I know everyone would have preferred that “The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades” be the most relevant Timbuk 3 song in 2025 America. But you don’t always get what you want. Sometimes you don’t even get what you need. In this case, we get what we deserve, which is a 4-year parade of assholes and soulless ghouls. Only 43 months left!
3. “What About You (in the World Today)” - Co-Real Artists
“What about that thing that you really wanna do? What are you gonna do to make it come true?” Great questions. Let me get back to you sometime next week.
4. “Sober” - Elbow
This song caught my attention because it starts a little funky and upbeat and Elbow is not historically known as a carefree, fun-time dance band. I wondered if maybe they turned a corner and said, to heck with the sad, beautiful songs about broken dreams, falling down holes and inventing a cocktail called “Grounds for Divorce.” I thought maybe they’d embraced the light. But then I listened to the lyrics. Turns out, “Sober” is a song about blowing the rent money, dancing the blues and how this guy has never known, or seen, his lover not drunk. Existential despair you can dance to!
5. “Living Like a Refugee” - Sierra Leone’s Refugee All Stars
They say “living like a refugee isn’t easy,” and I’m going to take their word for it. I have never been a refugee, so I don’t know what it’s like to “leave my country to seek refuge in another man’s land.” I don’t know what it’s like to be “confronted by strange dialects” and “fed with unusual diets.” I have never had to “sleep in a tarpauline house… on a tarpauline mat.” The best I can do is one time I slept on the floor of the Atlanta airport and it was very uncomfortable. Which is a smarmy way of saying I have ZERO concept of the courage it takes to leave your home in the hope of finding safety and a fresh start in a foreign land. And I’m sorry that the people in charge right now are monsters. I hear Canada is nice this time of year.
Listen here…
Look at this…
Cardigan sweater? Check. Sleeping dog? Check. Curious cat? Check. A song that’s been covered a million times but never quite like this? Check.
Happy Birthday Famous People!
“Pablo Picasso never got called an asshole.” - Jonathan Richman (Born May 16, 1951)
“It’s Janet, Miss Jackson if you’re nasty” - Janet Jackson (Born May 16, 1966)
“Oh my God, I’m not anorexic. I acknowledge that I look thin in photos. I get it.” - Tori Spelling (Born May 16, 1973)
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely, DJ CrankyPete