Five Song Friday #103: Self-Diagnosis for Dummies
This Week: Terrible Men, Animated Wolves and Sandwich Inventions
The human body is a jumble of mystery, wonder and bloody goo.
Nobody really knows what goes on in there, even though doctors charge a lot of money to make you think they do.
Things go wrong.
We get sick. We contract diseases.
Freak accidents happen all the time.
Sometimes you cough so hard that your spleen explodes and cracks a rib, which punctures your stomach.
Sounds horrible, right?
It’s like popping a water balloon… if that water balloon was full of stomach acid! You basically dissolve yourself from the inside out.
If you sneeze while hiccuping, a giant air bubble shoots directly to your brain.
Imagine nuking a metal can of baked beans in the microwave. Not only are the beans going to get ruined, but you’re going to need a new microwave.
But in this example, the microwave is your brain… and you only get one.
Don’t even get me started on earwax fires and spontaneous bone fusion.
We are walking meat bags of potential disaster.
So when I start to feel unwell, the last thing I want to do is call a “doctor.”
I’m not taking valuable time out of my day to “go see someone who can help.”
I have the internet. I know how to Chat with GPT.
Why would I drive 15 minutes to some “hospital” or “medical building” to listen to someone who JUST learned about me from some manila folder?
Look at me in my eyes.
I am a person! Not some random collection of xeroxed forms and pieces of paper.
You want to find out how great these so-called “doctors” are?
Try this…
Next time you see one and they start talking to you with their head buried in a bunch of paper, swat that folder to the ground. Then step on it.
THEN ask them what’s wrong with you. Keep asking until you get an answer.
If it goes down like it did for me, they will keep looking at that folder under your foot. Then they will look at you and shrug.
You ask louder. They shrug.
They will look like they’re going to cry. When you ask them if they are going to cry, they will shake their head in an attempt to hold back tears.
If you say, “OMG are you CRYING right now?” they will totally lose it.
My doctor took off running. I waited for a bit, but then saw him stumble to his car in the parking lot and drive off.
What I learned that day is that doctors are helpless without technology. They can’t tell you what’s wrong just by looking at you.
For a long time, they fooled us because they could make a bunch of guesses that sounded good since they memorized all the names of all the things.
But they need machines to look inside of us and tell them what’s wrong.
They stick us under x-rays or MRIs and then, THEN they come and say, oh you have rusty lungs or cardiovascular mold. You have lumpy eyes or a soft spine.
Your legs are restless and your soul is broken.
Oh, did a COMPUTER tell you that?
Thank you genius.
But no thank you.
I have fancy machines too.
I’m going to figure this out on my own.
“Hey Siri, does this look infected?”
Five Song Friday 103
“Pigs” - Brenda
I don’t know if Brenda is singing about real pigs or just a bunch of dudes who are inherently terrible. Either way, I’m on board because pigs are adorable and sometimes delicious and poorly behaved men absolutely deserve to be called out in catchy songs with synthesizers, cheery backing vocals and handclaps.
“I Think I Need a New Heart” - The Magnetic Fields
You’re welcome to accept this song at face value, as the sarcastic-sounding, yet powerfully sentimental song stylings of Stephen Merritt and company. But I like to imagine this song being performed by a ragtag busker band on the NYC subway and the lyrics are literal. Guys, this man needs a new heart! Please give what you can. If we can’t raise $75,000 by the end of today, he will die. Right here. In agonizing pain. He has inoperable cardiovascular mold, which is super serious.
“It’s Your Voodoo Working” -Jim Jones All Stars, Nikki Hill
This is the perfect song for a cartoon wolf who is trying to seduce a cartoon lady in a cartoon nightclub in some long-forgotten 1990’s movie starring Brad Pitt or Brendan Fraser. Can you see it? Please tell me you see it.
“Grilled Cheese” - Martha Hill
Can a song about one of the greatest sandwiches ever invented break your goddamn heart? The answer is clearly hell yes it can.
“Jukebox” - Kidz In the Hall, MC Lyte
I like this song a whole bunch and then my wife said she really liked it and well, that’s good enough for me.
“Don’t try to live your life in one day / Don’t go speed your time away.” - Howard Jones (Born Feb 23, 1955)
That’s all for this week! Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete