Five Song Friday #105: Trailer Trash
This Week: Corrective Lenses, Pointless Anxiety and a Whiff of Fear
I have a love-hate relationship with movie trailers.
I love them because I love movies.
But I also hate them because I love movies.
I love movie trailers so much, I could watch them all day.
And during that hypothetical 24-hour marathon, I would be utterly and completely alone.
You see, even though we’re all fans of the motion picture here in our house, I am the only one who gets giddy about movie trailers.
This is clear because sometimes I see a really great movie trailer online and I can’t wait to share it with my family.
But I DO wait, until later when we’re all together and the television is on.
Then I stand up, clear my throat and ask/announce, can I show you guys something real quick?
Inevitably, there are eye rolls.
Four of them to be exact.
Followed by the harmonized query, “Is it a movie trailer?”
I want to say no. I want to NOT be so predictable.
But all I can do is scrunch up my face and nod sheepishly.
I’ve been caught.
Yes, it’s a movie trailer.
“Just ONE?”
Yes, just one (the other two can wait).
I shouldn’t feel guilty here. I haven’t done anything wrong.
I’m just needy. All I want to do is watch your faces watch what I watched… and see if you like what I liked.
By sharing something super cool, I’m looking for a bonding moment between us as a family.
Us as human beings.
Us as an AUDIENCE.
Forgive me if that seems weird, but that’s just how I grew up.
Once upon a time we watched things with other people on screens that were bigger than a smartphone.
We sat in orderly rows with hundreds of strangers and shared a silent agreement that we’d all go somewhere scary/exciting/romantic/funny together for two hours.
It used to be a really big deal.
And when we watched a movie at home, we all sat in the same room, without distraction, and had what’s called a “shared experience.”
Nobody watched a movie in the living room while playing games and staring at their phone, because that just wasn’t done.
Also? Back in the 1980s, doing those things simultaneously was basically IMPOSSIBLE…
There was only one television
The video game console was hooked up to that one television and in order to play games, you’d have to switch a little box in the back that would hijack the screen and everybody would yell to put Rocky II back on
Staring at the phone would be weird and eventually the regular, tolerable dial tone would end and the receiver would start making a loud, piercing alarm noise that sounded like a hotel fire drill and was appropriately known as a “howler tone”
The phone was in the kitchen anyway
Where was I?
Oh yeah, movie trailers.
I love them. Always have, always will.
But these days [insert withered and shaky old man fist here], trailers give the whole damned movie away.
All the best jokes. All the best stunts. And most of the time, enough of the plot to destroy any element of surprise or delight.
It’s ridiculous and wrong and goes against everything that makes storytelling and movies so great.
Movie trailers shouldn’t be sizzle reels or a cinematic Cliffs Notes with explosions.
They shouldn’t be big-budget music videos for edgy, moody, indie covers of eighties pop songs with two minutes of jump cuts, money shots and one-liners.
Movie trailers should tease. They should tempt us. They should work in service of the film and stop acting all conceited and so… extra.
Giving everything away not only ruins great films, it prevents us from taking a chance on a terrible movie.
I can’t tell you how many times my wife and I have watched a trailer and said to each other, “There’s no point in watching that now. We basically just saw the whole thing.”
It happens a lot.
(I also can’t tell you because if I did, you’d think all we did was sit around and watch movies.)
Look, I’m still going to watch movie trailers. My love for them will likely never die.
I’m actually trying really hard to believe in reincarnation so I can run previews at my funeral.
But in the meantime, while I’m still alive, I hope that the hard-working and talented makers of movie trailers change their ways.
I hope they learn that sometimes less is more.
Seduction is a slow, mysterious art.
And big moments are much more powerful in context.
Quick business lesson here…
Instead of giving away 10 thrilling seconds of Jason Statham riding a jet ski into the mouth of a massive prehistoric shark, simply TELL people that Jason Statham will ride a jet ski into the mouth of a massive prehistoric shark and if they want to see it, they have to PAY.
If most of the movie-watching public is like me, they’ll pay.
They’ll pay big time.
Five Song Friday 105
“Pulse” - The Psychedelic Furs
These guys have been around a long time and I believe they are still touring even at the age when it might be safer to sit still in a comfortable upholstered chair. But that’s not how OG indie rockers roll. They live dangerous and stay out late and wear sunglasses indoors. What’s that? You say the sun NEVER shines indoors? These glasses aren’t about shielding my eyes from harmful UV rays, motherfucker! These shades are all about ATTITUDE! And also a little bit because they have special lenses that help me drive better at night.
“Rise” - Dominique Fils-Aimé
If I could sing like this, I would likely never leave the house and spend the rest of my days warbling to myself in a mirror wondering how I got so damn lucky. But I can’t sing like this. Not even close. And the one time I tried? People got hurt, fires were started and I’m no longer welcome in any North American Five Guys franchise.
“Worries” - Gisli
I love quotes about worry. As a sometimes anxious person, they fill me with calm and inner peace and remind me of the pointlessness of fretting over things you cannot control. “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” (Crazy, right? It’s tough enough keeping up with these gosh-darn bills!) “Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.” (This one’s not so great now that I think about it.) “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” (Kinda wished the last part rhymed like the first, that would have been much cooler.) Unfortunately, this song won’t necessarily calm you, but the lyrics are funny. Not ha-ha laugh-out-loud funny. More clever funny. Mildly amusing. Like your face.
“Twilight” - DARGZ, Jayy Starr
You think it’s cool to have a double letters in your first AND last name? I’ll see your double letters and raise you one name in all-caps that ends with a Z! How you like me now?
“New Factory” - Italia 90
Is there anything more depressing than the idea of working in an old factory? Gross. It’s all dirty and sad and haunted by the ghosts of people who died doing repetitive manual labor. I much prefer a new factory where everything is clean and smells like technology and progress. Take a whiff. You smell that? It’s synergy and efficiency with subtle notes of logistics and teamwork. And maybe just a smidge of asbestos and fear. Get back to work!
“I want them to play Britney Spears at my funeral. This way I won’t feel so bad about being dead, and everyone there will know there is something worse than Death.” - Gary Numan (Born March 8, 1958)
That’s all for this week!
Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete