Five Song Friday #107: My Airport Review

This Week: Fast Moms, Isolated Vocals and Best Friend Snitches

Pete Humes

Mar 29, 2024

I recently stayed at the airport. I give it one star. Do not recommend.

Now, I don’t usually give out such low reviews without explanation, so allow me to “unpack” my recent visit.

First of all, this place is really crowded. There are many, many people and also some dogs.

And if I’m being honest? Too many kids.

And if I’m being REALLY honest, too many ugly kids.

Although it was late and I was very tired… so at least one of those kids may have been a Yorkie wearing a sweater.

If you like WATCHING television, the airport is heaven on Earth. There are screens and TVs everywhere. But don’t try to listen to any of them because all of the volumes are turned way down and/or off.

However, if you like just looking at shows where two guys are in a kitchen and one guy feeds the other guy and then that guy smiles and rolls his eyes and then they both do high-fives? You will LOVE it here.

It’s loud. The front desk is always paging people to get to their rooms. Nobody is using their inside voices.

And for some reason, every 20 minutes the mayor comes over the speakers to welcome you. He is really excited if you are in the military. He seems nice, but kind of braggy.

My room was located so far from the lobby that I had to get a train(!) and then walk what felt like a mile through a mall and several food courts.

Instead of ice machines and soda pop in the hallways, they have vending booths selling fancy Kardashian makeup, headphones and antihistamines.

Good thing my luggage had wheels because I had to drag my own bags! No bellhops in sight.

When I asked if I could get a golf cart, a woman named Doris who was driving one just looked at me like I was crazy and made a comment about my legs working fine.

I said, you know what else works fine Doris? My middle finger!

And Doris said, if you give me the finger sir, so help me I will bite that goddamn thing off so fast.

Yikes. Hard day much? I guess the airport likes to hire angry cannibals.

At least she called me “sir,” but man, so rude.

Warning: Don’t expect much when it comes to food.

When I saw that they were offering $19 tuna sandwiches I got excited because I figured they had to be something special. But when I chose mine from the pile, it turned out to be just another tuna sandwich.

For almost twenty dollars, I thought it would taste like enlightenment and ecstasy.

I thought, if I bite into a $19 tuna sandwich, it HAS to be magical, right?

Because tuna and bread shouldn’t cost $19.

I could feed my family for a week on $19 worth of tuna and bread. I thought, this will unlock the secrets of the universe.

When I take a bite, this is going to be a red pill/blue pill scenario right out of the The Matrix!

It wasn’t. Nothing happened. The $7 water was also just water.

And when you pay $1.59 for a bottle cap’s worth of “Classic and Cheesy” cheese dip from the pretzel place, the only extra thing it makes you feel is sad.

When I finally got to my room, it was a huge, open layout with floor to ceiling windows!

The sleeping arrangements were non-traditional. I wouldn’t call them “beds” as much as long rows of hard chairs. The airport doesn't give you any linens and if you want a pillow, you have to buy a weird one that wraps AROUND your neck.

You should also know that there are only public restrooms. Communal bathrooms are the thing here and man are they busy! They have special family restrooms, which did me no good since I was alone.

I thought about borrowing a Yorkie in a sweater so I could use a private washroom, but couldn’t figure out how to phrase my request without sounding creepy.

FYI: The fancy little pods decorated with bright colors are NOT restrooms. They are places for nursing mothers to do their baby business.

Note to airport: It might help to invest in more “This is not a restroom” signs to save everyone the trouble and embarrassment.

No showers. Only faucets that work for two seconds at a time. I recommend wearing flip-flops. Men, you know why. Ladies, you are better off not knowing.

Pro: You don’t need towels after washing up because they have these fancy wall-mounted air dryers that really do the trick.

Con: If you are over 5-feet tall, you’ll need to contort your body in a squat/hunched position underneath the dryer to get the hard-to-reach spots.

Privacy is non-existent. You will be sharing rooms with strangers. The housekeeping staff come and go as they please and rarely knock.

I was awakened in the middle of the night by an attendant sweeping the floor just inches from my face! When I made a stink about it, he apologized and said he thought I was just a pile of clothes on the floor.

To be fair, I had curled up under a bench and dumped the contents of my suitcase on top of me to stay warm. So that was probably my bad. Sorry Humberto!

You should also be aware that the airport can change your room at any time.

Just as I was getting comfortable, I got a text message that my room was now on the other side of the airport!

Once I got there and settled in? Twenty minutes later it happened again!

So if you like staying put and being comfortable? The airport is definitely not the place for you.

Overall, I was not a happy camper.

My accommodations were no bueno. It took me 7 hours to check out.

And I’m pretty sure, at some point, my bare face touched the carpet so now I have hepatitis.

When it comes to the airport, I cannot recommend under any circumstances.

But would I go back?

I don’t think I have a choice.

Five Song Friday 107

“Corner Cutting Boredom” - Scrounge

Boredom is a serious disease. This song isn’t necessarily the cure, but it couldn’t hurt.

“Speeding Bullets” - Soul Khan

Faster than a speeding bullet is really fast. You know what else is really fast? Your mom.

“Van Pop” - The Bran Flakes, Mildred Pitt

I could swear that somebody else ordered the funky mashup using only isolated David Lee Roth vocals, but maybe it was just me.

“Perculators” - Serengeti

Oh man, there is something about this song that makes me really happy. But it also might make some people not as happy. I’m okay with that. Namaste.

“Out-Side” - The Beta Band

The Beta Band are so great that once I asked each member of the band to be my best friend individually and not tell the others. Even though of them blabbed and ruined everything, I still love them.

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