Five Song Friday: Are You Ready for Some Football?
This Week: Cheap Tourists, Prolific Producers and Goddamn Gorgeous Hair
I’m happy for the USA Men's soccer team and I’ll be rooting for them to knock out the Netherlands tomorrow.
But it’s only a matter of time before America ruins football for the rest of the world.
We love to spoil sports by turning competition into content.
And if we allow “The Beautiful Game” to get manhandled by the same grubby meat paws that have mucked up major league sports in the states, then we should be ashamed.
That’s why we need to slow down.
Yes, I know that world football is a monster of money, hype and media madness. Countries treat their star players like modern day gods. And Cristiano Ronaldo has more than half a BILLION followers on Instagram.
But it doesn’t feel as cheap and stupid because it’s European.
I know that’s a terrible, shallow argument. It’s a bit like whining and stomping my feet because I don’t want my favorite indie band to have a top 40 hit and start playing stadiums.
Except football isn’t some obscure indie band, it’s the biggest sport on the planet.
To me, it just feels cooler everywhere else.
America makes things silly. We make things dumb.
It’s already happening.
Those Peyton Manning and David Beckham commercials.
Lester Holt ending every evening news broadcast by sliding on his knees.
And my wife was quick to point out that the World Cup coverage on Fox has the stink of NFL hype all over it. You know the stuff: bloated, self-indulgent, macho animations and graphics with robots and lasers and shit.
The NFL needs that nonsense because the televised game has become a bloated jumble of stop-start on-field action that happens between ads for beers, chips and trucks.
Instead of just showing the score and clock in the corner, every graphic and transition has to look like a whiz-bang sizzle reel of CGI from some dude auditioning for the next Transformers or Marvel movie.
It needs it to FEEL more exciting, so we forget that the 3 hours of TV we’re watching only contains about 18 minutes of rushing, running and passing.
One of the things I love most about football is the pace.
Once the clock starts, it doesn’t stop until half time and the final whistle.
Somehow, some way, American companies and networks will find a way to mess that all up. Pop-ups. Picture-in-picture. Or maybe they’ll just give away a free second TV so they can feed you ads on one while you watch the match on the other.
Look, I know I’m venturing into soapbox territory and you may be wondering who am I to speak up?
I’m nobody.
I’m a late blooming football fan who always loved the World Cup and started watching the English Premier League during COVID.
But I wanted to remind everybody that the United States of America doesn’t have to dominate everything. It’s okay to just be okay. We don’t have to bonk football over the head and drag it back to our cave.
We made Bruce Springsteen and Taylor Swift. We gave the world basketball and jazz. We should be proud.
Why not let Ghana and Morocco have a turn?
It’s probably too late to change our fate anyway. We’re going to ruin football.
Lionel Messi is headed to Inter Miami for a gazillion dollars.
And the United States is hosting the next World Cup in 2026.
I hear there are already plans for a halftime show featuring a special live episode of The Masked Singer hosted by Morgan Wallen and the Minions.
The official mascot will be a cartoon AR-15.
And everybody gets a trophy.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Five Song Friday 041
“The South” - Bummers
Bummers is a rock and roll four piece from Columbus, Ohio.
I don’t know what business they have singing about the South because Ohio is most definitely part of the North. I know this because I can read maps.
Also, I used to be a valet at a resort hotel in Virginia Beach. And whenever a car would pull in from Ohio, the family would get out and say, “Greetings from up North!”
They would never tip and also smelled of cheese doodles.
“Too Much Money” - Automatic
Automatic is a Los Angeles trio of ladies with very cool names.
Prove it, you say? Okay… Izzy Glaudini, Halle Saxon, Lola Dompé.
BOOM. Told you so.
Also: Lola is the daughter of Bauhaus drummer Kevin Haskins and the band is named after a Go-Gos song.
Want more random facts about Automatic? Too bad. That’s all I got.
“Drumma Man” - Daddy-O
I was curious about this man they call Daddy-O.
Turns out his real name is Glenn K. Bolton, a rapper and record producer.
He is the second cousin of soft-rock crooner Michael Bolton.
Glenn also founded the hip-hop group Stetsasonic. And as a producer, writer and guest artist, he left his musical fingerprints on a whole mix of stuff from the late 80s through the 90s with credits on songs and albums by Queen Latifah, Boyz II Men, Third World and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
It’s all true.
Except the part about Michael Bolton.
I’m sorry. I don’t know why I lied. But it was probably so you would like me.
“On Parade” - Electrelane
When it was time to record their second album, English indie rock band Electrelane brought in Steve Albini. You’ve heard Albini even if you’ve never heard OF him.
The guy recorded some of the biggest indie artists and albums of the 90s including Nirvana, PJ Harvey, Jesus Lizard and Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, just to name a very few.
He was like the Quentin Tarantino of alt-rock. The Jim Jarmusch of indie-punk. Or the Paul Thomas Anderson of math rock.
You could also call him the Michael Bay of stoner metal, but that would be taking things too far.
“Love Supreme (Work Togther!)” [A Reimagined Claudius Mittendorfer Mix]- Ron Gallo
I don’t know which I enjoy more, the music of Ron Gallo or his hair.
As a man who’s shaved his head for over 20 years, I rarely miss combs, shampoo and trips to the salon. But if a genie popped out of my Keurig right now and offered me three wishes, I have to say one of them would absolutely be to cop Gallo’s badass bouffant.
I’m not saying a hairdo like that would change my life and make me nigh unstoppable, but I’m also not saying it wouldn’t.
Listen on Spotify
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That’s all for now. Thanks for reading!
“Virtually every writer I know would rather be a musician.” - Kurt Vonnegut