Five Song Friday: Beware the Uncanny
This Week: Messiahs Gone Wild, Going Dutch and Livin' La Vida Liverpool
Hello backwards people of the past!
I am writing from the not-so-distant dystopian future with a warning.
You are all in grave danger if you continue down the path you have chosen. The road ahead is strewn with tragedy, suffering and abominations.
I strongly urge you to consider an alternate route.
You can choose to heed this warning or ignore it.
And by “heeding,” I mean DOING something.
Tweeting is not heeding. “Thoughts and prayers” are not heeding. There is no hashtag, t-shirt or rubber bracelet that will make a difference.
Please understand that I cannot be responsible for what happens if you refuse to take action.
I am only the messenger. I am but a mere harbinger of doom.
To file a formal complaint, you will need to speak to my manager Gary.
But even Gare-Bear cannot put this genie back in the bottle.
Recent events set the wheel of fate in motion.
The first domino has fallen. The fuse has been lit.
Digital ABBA has been unleashed.
That’s right, a live stage show featuring high-tech doppelgangers of the group debuted in London to rave reviews and thunderous applause from sold-out crowds of teary-eyed, booty-shaking boomers.
I know what you’re thinking.
A little “Dancing Queen” performed onstage by lifelike, computer-generated avatars never hurt anybody.
That’s true. But also UNTRUE.
The worldwide success of the “Abbatars,” will send musical superstars and promoters into a greedy frenzy. As soon as the technology becomes widely available, resurrected rock stars will headline every club, theater and concert hall.
New arenas and stadiums will be built exclusively so fans can once again see musical legends like Prince, Elvis Presley and Bruce Willis (long story, but kids in the 2030’s start listening to The Return of Bruno ironically and then it just takes off).
But then things get dark.
While the show by Sweden’s most beloved pop music foursome doesn’t incite mayhem and mob violence, the same cannot be said for all of the copycat shows that will come after.
The images from the 2038 Color Me Badd Reunion in Tampa still haunt me.
As does the brutal gang warfare that erupted in 2043 during the Beebs + Babs: Together At Last opening night in Palm Springs.
And you’ll probably be long gone, but your grandkids will never forget where they were during the Great Olivia Rodrigo Riot of 2060.
Most tragic of all? In the future, there are Grateful Dead shows that never end because Jerry Garcia’s digital self can be everywhere, all the time.
It sounds groovy, and it was for a while, until 89 people died during a six-week version of ‘Dark Star.’ According to reports, they rolled their skulls around in circles for so long that their heads just popped off.
I know this digital voodoo may sound like a concert-lover’s paradise, but it’s very much the opposite. This technology sucks the life out of live music.
In my future, flesh-and-blood performers can’t compete. Songs get stale. All hope eventually fades and civilization spirals into chaos.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like Mad Max. We’re not fighting gladiator-style over the last scraps of gasoline or drinking water. We got all that renewable energy nonsense figured out decades ago. It’s actually pretty nice here. People live twice as long and the coffee is freaking delicious.
But the music sucks. It sucks BAD.
You must correct the timeline! The future is counting on you!
I mean, it’s not depending on JUST you.
Because I’m sending this email to other people too. If you can’t help, I understand.
But if you can? That would be great, thanks.
Future DJ Crankypete
Five Song Friday 015
“Veni Vidi Vici” - Black Lips
Jesus, Buddha and Muhammad walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “Good evening boys, what can I get you?”
No response.
Bartender says, “Would you like something to drink?”
Buddha and Muhammad start giggling and push a reluctant Jesus forward.
The bartender, getting annoyed, says, “Look, you guys either order something or I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Buddha and Muhammad are still giggling, but Jesus shushes them.
He adjusts his tunic, stands up straight and steps up to the bar, “We’d like three waters please.”
What does any of that have to do with this song from Black Lips?
Not much. But they name drop Jesus and Muhammad in the lyrics, which got me thinking about my unproduced script for Messiah’s Night Out. I pitched it as a raucous, R-rated comedy to Judd Apatow.
Think of it as The Hangover meets The Passion of the Christ. Or Superbad blended with Ben-Hur. Revenge of the Nerds with a spritz of Seven Years in Tibet.
I thought this fuzzy, crunchy, sloppy joe serving of garage rock from the Atlanta band’s 2007 album would make a great theme song.
The Black Lips could also serve as technical advisors on the film, since (according to Wikipedia), their early shows were infamous for featuring “vomiting, urination, nudity, electric R.C. car races, fireworks, a chicken, and flaming guitars.”
Sounds like box-office gold to me!
“Input Source Select - Vinticious Version” - De Staat
When it comes to musical talent, there must be something in the water in the Netherlands. Which makes sense, because we already know there’s something in the air.
And that something is marijuana. Wacky Cabbage. Goofy Grass. Devil’s Weed.
The sticky, icky stuff is so abundant in Amsterdam that famous pothead Snoop Dogg once said, “I love Amsterdam.”
But here’s the thing: alt-rockers De Staat don’t come from Amsterdam.
They hail from Nijmegen, the oldest city in the Netherlands which is located near the border with Germany.
Who cares about a dumb city like Nijmegen? That’s what I said at first (except I just mumbled the name of the city because how do you even say that).
But then I dug deeper. And by “dug deeper” I mean that I clicked a couple more links and discovered something amazing.
That stupid, hard-to-say-with-your-mouth city of Nijmegen?
That’s the birthplace of… Alex and Eddie Van Halen.
[drops mic, walks slowly offstage in wooden clogs]
“My Heart is Jumping” - Bibi Tanga & The Selenites
Bibi Tanga has been around.
I bet he has so many frequent flyer miles that if he somehow could print them out, he could swim in them like Scrooge McDuck or Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore in that scene from Indecent Proposal.
Born in the Central African Republic, Tanga grew up in Moscow, Paris and New York City. His music is like a patchwork quilt of all those influences. His songs carry the marks of everywhere he’s been, like a passport book with stamps from all those exotic locations… if a passport could make sounds.
If countries were crayons? Tanga would be killing it with that 152 Crayola Ultimate Collection. (“Damn, Bibi! You got Dandelion, Goldenrod AND Atomic Tangerine?”)
This catchy little number is from the group’s 2012 release, 40˚of Sunshine. The album is a celebratory mix of West African grooves mixed with jazz, hip hop, break beat, funk, soul and Afro-funk.
Which is weird, because that’s also exactly how I described the breakfast burrito I had yesterday.
“Tim I Said No Guests!” - Jesse Dangerously feat. Timbuktu
Americans are notoriously bad at Canadian geography.
Jesse McDonald (aka Jesse Dangerously) is originally from Halifax, Nova Scotia but is now based in Ottawa, Ontario.
I can point to Halifax on a map because I’ve been there once, but the best I can do with Ottawa is tell you that it’s up there in the big main part of Canada, somewhere north of Montana and Michigan.
It’s often cold and they enjoy hockey. And I’d bet good money that if you hung around long enough, you’d see either a moose or a Molson.
“Tim I Said No Guests!” is from Dangerously’s fifth solo album, Humble & Brilliant, released in 2011.
Even if you don’t like the song, I hope you can still appreciate the shout-outs to Sasquatch, Flock of Seagulls, Street Fighter and the Keystone Kops.
“Gasoline” - The Mysterines
I need to hurry up and squeeze this one through before The Mysterines get huge and it looks like I’m jumping on some kind of alt-rock bandwagon. Let’s be clear that I’m NOT doing that.
I don’t even know what a bandwagon is. And my current record of jumping on things is me: 0 and things: 4.
The internet is abuzz with talk of The Mysterines as the next big thing in rock and roll. Reviewers are calling their new album “thrilling,” “beautifully intense,” and “invigorating.”
This song is not from that album.
“Gasoline” is from their 2019 EP, Take Control.
It’s less of a love song and more of a “love to hate you” song. That’s not me being clever, she says those specific words in the song. Quite a bit, actually.
If The Mysterines go on to earn massive, mainstream success, then good for them. And great for the city of Liverpool. Those poor, overlooked citizens of Liverpool will finally have a rock band that they can call their own.
Maybe then they’ll finally quit bragging about being the birthplace of Kim Cattrall, who played Samantha on Sex and the City.
Listen on Spotify
Listen on YouTube Music
That’s all for now.
Thanks for reading!
“Virtually every writer I know would rather be a musician.” - Kurt Vonnegut