Five Song Friday: Clear and Present Danger
Episode #137: Kung-Fu Chickens, Jiggle Masters and Buck Wild Babes
When a man and a woman love each other very much, they exchange gifts.
This is not a euphemism.
I’m talking about actual presents, wrapped in boxes with bows.
Get your mind right, you sex pest.
Sometimes these gifts are deeply sentimental and sweet. They can be grand or small. Expensive or thrifty.
But sometimes these gifts fall so flat and fail so miserably that the giver is left to question his mental capacity and whether the fabric of reality has folded in on itself.
These are the gifts that shit the bed.
When opened, these gifts are greeted with awkward silences.
Silences that the gift-giver rushes to fill with a backstory. He launches into rambling monologues that usually begin with the phrase, “Well, I know you like X…”
Well, I know you like birds, so I figured you’d love this 1/6th scale ceramic emu with a hollow chest for storing candies or spare change or whatever.
Well, I know you like food, so this is a wall tapestry illustrating the history of potatoes.
The longer the silence, the more elaborate the story.
So I met this man on a trail in the woods and he said, do you know anybody who has feet? And I was like, I sure do! So we walked to his pop-up store under the overpass and he sold me those slippers made from 100% recycled llama hair! Cool, right? So authentic. I know how much you like authentic stuff and you’re always talking about your cold toes, so I figured this was a win-win! And yeah, it does look and smell like human hair but the guy said it totally is not.
If the story isn’t helping, sometimes the gift-giver will pivot to sharing his internal dialogue.
So I was there in the store thinking, I know she doesn’t like bright colors OR silky materials. I know she doesn’t currently own any clothing with Disney characters, but I wondered if that was only because nobody ever gave her a set of silky Disney pajamas? So I stood there just holding these things for like 15 minutes trying to decide yay or nay. I’m not kidding, I was literally SWEATING I was thinking so hard. And then… I saw the Finding Nemo fleece footy pajamas and I was like, YES! Because that time we went to the aquarium!
Sometimes the explanations force the recipient to journey backwards in time, many months (or years) ago, to recall the precise, random moment they made an off-handed comment that would haunt their holidays forever.
Remember that one time we were watching Jeopardy! and there was a “20th Century Women Painters” category and you said you loved Frida Kahlo? I took that as a sign you wanted 23 coffee table books, three mugs, four t-shirts, two tote bags and this bobblehead. You are WELCOME!
There are the gifts that come with ominous preambles...
Okay, before you open this, I need to explain a few things and that’s why I’ve put together a Powerpoint presentation. Please check your email.
Wait! Before you look in the envelope, please know that I love you and this will in no way change that. Also, you’ll need to free up every Wednesday night in February, get a pair of sexy-but-sensible cowboy boots and update your vaccinations.
None of these tactics can cushion the blow of a Christmas morning face plant. Some failure is inevitable. The best you can hope for is avoiding a “Maximus Gift.”
“Maximus Gift” sounds positive but it’s definitely not.
The name comes from the famous Marcus Aurelius quote uttered by Maximus (Russell Crowe) in the first Gladiator movie, “What we do now echoes in eternity.”
Maximus Gifts are unpolished turds with odors that linger on long after the holidays. Stone-cold stinkers that survive as inside jokes or family slang for “disappointment.”
They’ll hang around the house for maybe a year, hiding in closets or stowed away in drawers. Every month, they’ll inch closer to the door until the coast is clear.
One daythey appear in a box of thrift store donations, stacked on top of each other like cord wood or corpses with the price tags still attached.
Goddamnit. You had such high hopes. You thought you nailed it.
I’m sorry I failed you, fuzzy vintage coat that was too small.
Forgive me, glass mannequin head from Pier One.
And don’t worry, rusty-metal-gate-thing-that-I-thought-would-look-good-in-the-garden… I will avenge you.
I will AVENGE YOU!
Five Song Friday #137
“Chicken Strut” - The Meters
In case you weren’t aware that chickens had a theme song, they absolutely do. If you keep yardbirds, do NOT play this song for them unless you like it when domestic fowl suddenly realize they have more power than they ever thought possible. When hens hear this, it’s like Neo at the end of The Matrix. Everything snaps into place. They see what was previously unseen. They know kung-fu. If you’re into poultry empowerment? Go for it. But definitely hide the handguns and the whiskey.
“Walkie Talkie” - DJ Shadow
This is who I am inside my head when I’m wearing my cans and rocking the stand-up desk. I am a DJ of great talent and renown who can move seas of people with a scratch of vinyl and the flick of a switch. I loom over the sweaty, writhing masses from my tower of power. Two turntables, a microphone and more buttons and knobs than I know what to do with. I drop the beats. I move the feets. I jiggle their seats. And by “seats” I mean butts.
“Tiny Spark” - Brendan Benson
This would have been a great place for a joke about how I’ve loved this song ever since I heard it in the Ben Stiller-Jennifer Aniston comedy, Along Came Polly. But I never saw the movie and pretending I did isn’t really much of a joke. Maybe it was good? I always felt that in 2004, people were a little Stillered out, you know? Dude was in SIX movies that year. So let’s just say that I’m more than 20 years late to the appreciation party for Benson’s sophomore album and leave it at that.
“Everybody Get Up” - Ian Post
This is a fun song, but it’s not the boss of you. This song is not your mom. You don’t have to get up if you don’t want to. Maybe you’re comfortable. Maybe you have a sleeping dog or a baby in your lap. You don’t owe this song any explanation. Stay seated. Remain defiant. Fight the power.
“Broke a Couple of Rules” - Dan the Automator
If you haven’t seen the movie Booksmart, what are you even doing with your life? I saw it and liked it, even though it’s about two studious high school girls deciding to go buck wild right before they graduate. I’m not a teenage girl! I’m not a lesbian! I wasn’t studious! I’ve never gone buck wild! Yet… I ENJOYED this film! What does that tell you about the ability of great art to touch different people in different ways? Who knows. Who cares.
“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright (Born December 6, 1955)
Reminder: It’s Bandcamp Friday for those who celebrate! Today is the day when you can buy music from artists on Bandcamp and the site waives all of its revenue share so that 100% of the money goes to the artists. It’s a great day to stock up on all the mp3s, vinyl, CDs, cassettes and merch for the musicheads on your holiday list. Or don’t… and just buy vinyl at Target like some kind of monster. It’s your life.
Once again, my Spotify Wrapped has landed like a wet fart. While the rest of the world is super excited to see a recap of their year in streaming songs, I gird myself for disappointment. Here’s the thing, I listen to movie scores and instrumentals all day while I write. I have huge playlists for this very purpose and usually start at the beginning. So my recap is a bit skewed.
In 2024, the first album on my writing playlist is the score for David Fincher’s movie, The Killer, done by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross (spoiler: I’m listening to it right now). Apparently I’ve streamed it 66 times since January (now 67), which puts me in the top 0.005% of listeners globally. One more zero qualifies me for stalker status.
When I share this fact with my wife, she thinks the album sounds dark and disturbing and doesn’t know how I can listen to something like that over and over again. When I tell her that The Killer score also features the sounds of fighting, grunting, gunshots and at least one murder? She looks me over and says, oh, that makes sense now.
Thanks for reading!
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete