Five Song Friday: Dear Mister Garbage Man
This Week: Eighties Robots, Seen Songs and Sex Swapping
I was there and I saw what you did. I saw it with my own two eyes.
And now that I’ve caught you, I’m going to make you feel sorry for what you did.
I watched you toss a paper coffee cup from your car into the street.
That’s incorrect.
That’s not where empty cups go.
That’s not what decent people do.
Ergo, you are a monster.
I was willing to write it off because accidents happen. Maybe it slipped.
But there was that flick of your wrist.
That flick showed premeditation. Criminal intent.
That’s what REALLY bothered me.
The cold, casual way you used the outside world like your personal rubbish bin.
Your lazy wrist flick was a clear “fuck you” to planet Earth.
Screw the rules of society. Screw the environment. Screw the sustainable future of every screaming, goop-covered baby who was just born.
You want to destroy the world? Why not be a MAN about it?
Take a flamethrower to the rainforests. Drive an oil tanker into the Great Barrier Reef. Go punch a polar bear in the snowballs.
At least your obituary would be a better read.
Because right now, all it’s going to say is that you were a miserable asshole who didn’t understand how trash cans work.
I know what you’re thinking, it was just ONE coffee cup.
Why is this guy so angry about ONE coffee cup?
I wish I knew, buddy. I really wish I knew.
The world is full of terrible people doing awful things, but for some reason, littering is the one misdemeanor that makes me INSANE.
If I see a fast food wrapper chucked from a moving car, I have to resist the urge to use my car like a battering ram.
Something about watching such a callous, lazy crime turns my face all squinty like Dirty Harry when he knows that some shit is about to go down.
It’s silly right? But I can’t help what I feel.
And what I feel is white hot rage.
That’s why I followed you home, tackled you and turned you into a duct tape mummy.
I’m going to make an example of you.
I want to send a message to everyone who’d rather clutter the Earth with their idiot litter than fill the floors of their car with garbage like a normal person.
Don’t ask me how, because I’ve never taken it this far before.
And now that I’m standing here, looking at you all wrapped up like a shitbird burrito, I’m kind of stumped. This may have been a big mistake.
Doling out vigilante justice seemed much more fun in my mind.
Maybe more than anything, I want to understand your motivation.
Why do you do it? What are you thinking? Are you even thinking at all?
I mean, I get that murders sometimes happen because people snap. Crime of passion. Heat of the moment.
Killers usually have a motive. Jealousy. Insurance money. Eating a human liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
But you? You were sitting at a stoplight without a care in the world. It was a nice day.
I know we live in a divided, angry time, where people can’t agree on anything and we’d all rather stab each other with forks instead of listen to each other…
But even today, while the entire world feels caught in a tornado of hot farts and idiot noise, 99.9% of human beings know that you don’t throw coffee cups from your car.
What makes you special?
Why did you think it was okay to DROP GARBAGE in the street?
Do you not understand where things go? How civilization works?
I know I’m asking a lot of questions and you can’t respond because of the ball gag, but I want you think to about about your answers while I figure out what I’m going to do next.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Five Song Friday 093
“Ungawa” - Chow Nasty
I love when a band is steeped in mystery. Take the San Francisco trio known as Chow Nasty, who call this song “Ungawa.” Is that supposed to be a real word? If so, what does it mean? What are they trying to say? To solve the riddle, you could read the smattering of things written about them online or you could do what I did and go directly to the source. Here’s what the band’s official website has to say: “Error. Page cannot be displayed. Please contact your service provider for more details. (27)” Oh man, that is classic Chow Nasty. Always keeping you guessing!
“Shake Ya” - Hacienda
This band is from San Antonio, Texas, the very same city that Peter Weller, Henry Thomas and Oliver North once called home. What does a trio of eighties cultural luminaries have to do with the damn fine bluesy rock that Hacienda dole out on this song? Not a goddamn thing. But I figured there was no better way to honor their musical talent than to mention the guy who played RoboCop was from their hometown. “I’d buy that for a dollar!”
“ILLANOISE’” - NXTMIKE, PRESTXN, TRAPSHIP COLLECTIVE
Full disclosure: I am not a trap music expert. If you held a gun to my head and asked me to define trap music? I’d say, please don’t point that gun at my head. And also, I don’t know. What I DO know is that I like it. It has a beat and I can sort of dance to it.
“This Is What I’m Doing’” - Dick Stusso
Sometimes a song comes around that feels like an old friend. A song that sounds as if it was written for you, about you, in a way that captures the very essence of you-dom. For me, this is that song. Once I heard the lyrics, “And I know I know I know it’s not what I should be doing / But this is what I’m doing,” I felt seen.
“Age of Consent” - Cayetana
Sweet fancy Moses, I do love me a cover song! Make it a cover from one of my most beloved albums of all time, swap the sexes and put some modern indie pep in its step? Ladies, you had me at “Won’t you please let me go.”
“Trash, pick it up, don’t throw your love away” - New York Dolls