Five Song Friday: Death Race 2025
Episode #146: Self-Reliance, Hot Dog Water and Raspberry Disappointment
Imagine you’re driving on the highway at night.
Two headlights flash in your rearview and somebody roars past in a car that looks like the Batmobile and sounds like a fighter jet with exhaust problems.
You’re heading to dinner. You’re in a good mood. This aggression does not phase you.
You think to yourself, this poor guy is just asserting his vehicular dominance.
He needs to make the interstate his bitch.
Anybody who ponies up for the full undercarriage neon is not messing around.
So after he zags around from behind you and stomps on the gas—and you can almost hear his volley of f-bombs through the tinted glass—you laugh.
You laugh because you know he’s ridiculous.
But you’re also a little annoyed because he’s driving like life is a video game. He’s not signaling or obeying the speed limit. He’s blatantly reckless while most everybody else is following the rules.
Your first thought is, where are the cops? It would be great if the police could swoop in with their blazing blue lights and put this guy in his place.
They’d be all over YOU. You go one day with expired tags and you may as well be OJ Simpson in a white Bronco. Why does this jag wagon get to go wild?
Seeing Stroker Ace pulled over on the side of the road would be sweet. It would be solid proof that actions have consequences. Bad things happen to bad people.
When the cavalry doesn’t come, you have a second thought.
You think, this guy is going to hurt somebody.
Because there are only three ways this lunatic’s night can end.
Mock Mad Max gets a citation and a flashlight lecture from Johnny Law.
Dollar Store Vin Diesel cruises home to his condo without incident.
Or Mr. Toad’s wild ride ends in blood and broken glass.
That’s when things get dark.
For a split second, you picture him zagging too hard, losing control into a concrete divider and then flipping ass over teakettle into a ditch. Maybe he wraps himself around a pole or does a header off the bridge.
If he can do any of those without side-swiping a church van or plowing into the ass of a family SUV? That might be okay.
It might be okay for this guy to have a terrible accident because consequences. Karma. At least that’s what you think before realizing you’re not a monster.
You don’t know what’s going on with this guy’s life.
Maybe he’s rushing a sick kid to the hospital. Maybe his wife is home alone and she called because there’s a masked killer outside her window and he’s racing home to save her. Or maybe Baby Driver is late for his volunteer shift at the soup kitchen and he’s supposed to bring the ladle.
Whatever the circumstances, you don’t really want him to get hurt.
But if he keeps driving like a maniac, something awful is definitely going to happen.
His need for speed will wreak havoc and end lives.
One day he’ll zig when he should’ve zagged and spark a chain reaction pile-up that will end with a fuel tanker exploding and elementary school buses catching fire and innocent human beings (some of which you may know and love) going through windshields like floppy-armed missiles. Nobody will be safe, not even dogs and babies and kind older ladies who drive with their chins on the steering wheel and signal one mile before the exit.
His recklessness will kill nuns and grandpas and that one checkout lady at the grocery store who is always happy to see you.
His disregard for the laws of the road will turn the asphalt red with blood and leave the lanes and shoulders scarred and scorched.
Because while his ride may look like a ridiculous cartoon of what a dim-witted simp thinks is tough and cool, don’t let the lighted rims and polished chrome nut sack dangling from the “KNG-SHT” license plate fool you.
The guy behind the wheel of this clown car death wagon has a full tank of gas and a teeny weeny peeny and he doesn’t care about anyone else on the road but himself.
Buckle up!
Five Song Friday #146
“Pull Yourself Together’” - Hefner
Why should I have to do all the work? Don’t make me grab you by the shoulders, shake you and then slap you across the face. Pull YOURSELF together! This is your kindergarten graduation. You wanna be treated like a BIG BOY? Start acting like one.
“Man Made of Meat” - Viagra Boys
Did you know that Chandler Bing spent his time drinking hot dog flavored water on a popular TV show called Tub Girls? Neither did I. I guess we’ve both learned something today. Thanks Viagra Boys!
“Open Fields” - Captain Qubz
Look, sometimes you need to take a break from the words and let the beats speak for themselves. Sit down and relax. Bob your head, snap your fingers and let all your troubles shimmy and sway away.
“I Knew” - Lightning Dust
Here’s the thing, when I asked who ate my yogurt and you looked me right in the eyes and said, “I have no idea,” I knew it was a lie. I KNEW. I saw the little twitch in the corner of your mouth. I heard the upward lilt of your voice. But most of all, it was that little dollop of raspberry in your beard. I’m not so much angry as I am disappointed.
“This Time (Studio Demo)” - INXS
Want to feel old? Listen Like Thieves by INXS turns 40 this year. That’s bananas. And if you’re too young to know or care what that means? Shut your goddamn baby mouth.
“What kept me sane was knowing that things would change, and it was a question of keeping myself together until they did.” - Nina Simone (Born February 21, 1933)
Thanks for reading!
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Thanks for the story and the (mostly) new tunes. I am old enough to have owned INXS's Listen Like Thieves (and Kick) on cassette and built many skateboard ramps while listening to them both.
Also, sorry about not using my blinker. I really, really had to pee.