Five Song Friday: Empty Your Mind
This Week: Technicolor Fog, Boogie Shoes and Beat Dips
Welcome to your guided morning meditation.
If you take this seriously, it could be the most relaxing three minutes of your life.
But if you goof around, get all giggly and make rude hand gestures with your buddies?
You will see ZERO benefit.
Okay then… let’s begin.
Bring your awareness to your breath and start with a heavy exhale.
Use your lungs to PUSH that negative energy out… WAAAY outside of your body where it belongs.
Exhale for five full seconds and then HOLD for two…
And… INHALE for three seconds.
No sipping! I want you to really SUCK UP all the positive energy that’s just floating around in the air, waiting to work its magic.
Nice job.
And now, let go with a BIG BIG breath out to make sure none of those bad vibes are left loitering inside your chest.
GOOD.
Feel better?
GOOD.
(If not, then you’re probably doing it wrong.}
Now… let’s RELAX your entire body, starting at the top of your head.
If you have hair, let it all go limp.
Imagine putting each individual strand to bed like a small child.
Tuck it in, read it a story. Bless its dreams.
Repeat that for all 100,000 hairs or so.
If you’re bald? Focus on your eyebrows.
Once all hairs are relaxed, let’s bring your awareness to your eyeballs.
FEEL your eyelids as heavy metal garage doors.
Press the clicker thingy and watch them close slowly.
But not all the way!
You’ll want to stop the doors before they close all the way, because you can’t keep reading with closed eyelids and the next part is super important.
Excellent.
Now let’s shut down that brain of yours.
Clear your mind. Wipe your weary mental white board clean.
Turn on the very bright lights and tell all your thoughts, anxieties and fears that “they don’t have to go home, but they can’t stay here!”
Picture an open meadow. An empty beach. Chick-fil-A on a Sunday.
Don’t let ANYTHING back in, except the words on this page.
That tingling sensation? That’s INNER PEACE.
Alright, alright.
Next up is your mouth.
Let your jaw drop. Pretend your chin weighs a ton and there is no possible way you can hold it up any longer. You are Jay Leno. You are Mac Tonight.
Let’s just go ahead and say your neck is worthless too. Imagine it as a pool noodle holding up a bowling ball.
At this point, your head should be flopping around like a sack of wet sand.
It’s important that you are not eating or drinking anything during this guided meditation because you will make a MESS.
If you’re reading this in the morning with a mug of hot coffee?
Stop drinking! I do NOT want to be responsible if scalding liquid spills out of your super slack jaw into your lap and burns your downstairs parts!
Also, you should NOT be driving or operating heavy machinery while on this guided meditation.
The effect that my carefully chosen words have on your system is the same as if you were mixing prescription sedatives with hard seltzer or box wine.
Now that you are in a complete Zen state from the neck up, let’s focus on the body.
It’s all downhill from here.
DROOP your shoulders. DROP your arms.
Imagine your powerful, muscular core is more like a soft and mushy sack of carbs.
If you are standing? Pretend your legs don’t work and fall to the ground.
Make yourself COMPLETELY LIMP like a rag doll dummy or the guy from Weekend at Bernie’s.
Note: If you are in public, it helps to shout, “I’M MEDITATING!” before collapsing, otherwise passersby may call for help.
I find it’s best to do this at home, in a seated position.
That way, when you get to the part where you completely relax your body, you can slide slowly out of the chair, feet first.
Again, if you have family or a significant other nearby, don’t forget to yell “I’M MEDITATING!” before slipping into a pile on the floor.
Once you are on the ground, DO NOT MOVE.
Keep your mind clear and imagine yourself without bones.
FEEL the warm waves of relaxation wash over your body.
If you have pets, lock eyes with them.
Ask them questions with your mind.
If they don’t answer, make up answers for them using funny voices.
Almost there…
Remain boneless and motionless until the sound of white noise becomes deafening.
That means all the stress is GONE.
Congratulations! You have reached MAXIMUM RELAXATION!
I knew you could do it.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Five Song Friday 090
“The Truth Will Be Heard” - Gizmo Varillas
My advice is to enjoy this two minutes and twenty seconds. Let Gizmo paint a soft, poppy picture of a magical world where the truth refuses to remain silent. Allow yourself to get lost in the technicolor fog of fantasy and integrity. Because eventually, this song will end and you will have to come back to the real world where the filthy lying liars can’t stop punching facts in the face.
“Esta Si Esta No (Asi Me Gusta A Mi)’” - The Glimmers
Resist the urge to go to Google Translate. You don’t need to understand Spanish to get this song. The Glimmers are fluent in the international language of “Funky,” which does not recognize flags or borders. All “Funky” cares about is the junk in your trunk and the boogie in your shoes and how much you are willing to put them both in and shake them all about.
“Blossom (Got To Get It Out)’” - Komeda
I won’t bore you with the origin story of Komeda, as it’s yet another tale of Swedish indie bandmates who started as the pit band for a Buster Keaton silent film festival in their hometown of Umea (the 13th largest city in Sweden). I’ll just cut to the chase and admit that this song originally appeared on the soundtrack for The Powerpuff Girls. Does that make it more or less endearing? That’s for me to know and you to find out.
“But Anyway’” - Grip Grand
It’s hard for a Gen X knucklehead like me, who was raised on 20th century rap, to hear the blaring horns sample and NOT get ready to “jump up, jump up, and get down.” But Grip Grand has taken the House of Pain hand-me-down (aka the first 6 seconds of “Harlem Shuffle” by Bob & Earl)and made it his own, mixing it into a 7-layer dip of big beats, samples and sprinkling it with lyrics like “Your style is so herb /
You should put it on tacos and call it cilantro.”
“Then We’ll Wave (So Long)” - Paul & The Tall Trees
Everybody who was hoping I would finish this week with a sad piano song about saying goodbye to someone you really liked (maybe even loved)? You’re welcome! Now pass the tissues!
“Don’t be afraid, just play the music.” ― Charlie Parker