Five Song Friday: Endless Temptation of the Beep Beep Boom Boom Machine
This Week: Sudsy Bliss, Uber Losers and Swashing Buckles
I feel bad for my brain on days like today.
The poor thing is just trying to function, but the world is closing in from all sides.
Outside, it’s a goddamn gorgeous day full of sunshine and songbirds. The world is green and alive. Every tree is daring me to climb it.
But alas, I am stuck inside.
In front of two computers and three monitors with a high-speed internet connection to a vast wasteland of infinite nonsense information.
I’ve also got a supercomputer in my pocket that taps me on the shoulder once every 2 minutes to tell me about lost gimpy dogs, gun shots in the neighborhood and a new series on Netflix that it believes I will be incapable of resisting.
I am a distraction addict surrounded by dealers.
And not the cliché, trenchcoat-in-the-shadows, “psst-hey-pal” kind of schoolyard pushers. These are apex predators.
Timeshare salespeople. Car dealership commission cowboys. Hardcore closers who don’t take NO for an answer.
All of them see my attention as the injured wildebeest straggling at the back of the pack.
They know I have to be online all day for work, so they wait for me at the water hole. Cocked back on their haunches. Smacking their lips. Waiting to pounce.
It’s never a matter of IF I show up, so much as WHEN.
They chum the water and cast the bait.
PING!
“Users of two ancient toilets in Jerusalem were not healthy, an analysis of poop samples shows”
Thank you, CNN. But no thank you.
PING!
What’s that, Twitter? You say that Star Wars came out 46 years ago yesterday and you want to show me the original trailer that I’ve already seen 342 times? I’d be delighted, thank you.
PING!
Oh no! Someone I know died. I’m sad! Let’s brew a fresh cup of coffee and mourn!
PING!
Hey! That band I like is going on tour and tickets go on sale today! Get my credit card and a calendar!
PING!
Oh look, a person I sort of know is somewhere kind of nice doing something relatively fun and/or interesting. I am sad? Jealous? Indifferent?
PING!
Word of the day? Did I subscribe to that? Brunoise? (Finely diced vegetables that are cooked in butter and used to flavor soups and sauces). I don’t think I subscribed to that.
PING!
What’s that Apple News? More dirt from the Vanderpump Rules reunion and the “Scandoval” controversy? I’m sorry, I have literally no idea what you are talking about.
And so it goes and goes and goes.
I think I’m clever because I spend all day running through my online tasks in a zigzag pattern to avoid the sniper fire.
But I forget that the ground is littered with land mines and booby traps. Those who prey on my attention have rocket launchers and tanks and drones.
They have ALGORITHMS.
And algorithms are basically the Predator (a relentless and scary alien manhunter that first appeared in a 1987 film of the same name starring Arnold Schwarzenegger).
They have heat vision and can turn invisible. They wear human skulls as jewelry.
All of these apps and platforms have their own Predator algorithms.
My attention doesn’t stand a chance.
The Distraction Merchants have unlimited resources and I’ve already given them everything they need to stay one step ahead. Every mouse click and every second of my attention has taught them how my big dumb brain works.
And my mind is not as complicated as I’d like to think.
That’s why I feel bad for it on days like today.
The poor simple bastard is torn between the tempting vista of a sunny start to a long holiday weekend and the psychological puppet-master fuckery of the beep beep boom boom machine.
I’m doing my best to maintain the illusion of self-control and free will.
But I’m only human.
What am I supposed to do when YouTube offers me a 30-second Donald Trump orange juice commercial that someone created using AI?
Stay strong friends. Stay safe. Thanks for reading.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Five Song Friday 065
“I’m Alive” - Johnny Thunder
I recommend that you play this song at maximum volume inside of your car with the windows rolled down… while going through a drive-thru car wash. It’s EXHILARATING (but also expensive). So maybe don’t do it? But also maybe do it. Your call. But you should definitely do it.
“Typing” - Pozi
This is a great song to listen to as you work at your computer doing the very thing that the song says. It makes for a very meta experience, all that actual typing while the song says “Typing!” over and over again. But don’t get too excited, because every time I listen to this song while pressing the letters on my keyboard, the only word I manage to write is “typing.” Like a million times. It was honestly very weird and unsettling.
“Hello Take Me Anywhere” - Night Shop
I said this once to an Uber driver and I ended up two blocks from my house. TWO BLOCKS! I could still see my mailbox. I was so disappointed. I said, “Is that the BEST you can do? I said ANYWHERE!” He started crying, so I consoled him with an autographed copy of my book, How to Overcome a Crippling Lack of Creativity and Ambition. I also gave him a $2 tip and a 5-star review before getting my luggage from the trunk and walking home.
“CHA-CHING” - Royal Cinema
I’m not sure, but I think this song was inspired by the sound that a cash register makes after a sale. Either that or the sound of two swashbucklers sword fighting. Or the sound of one swashbuckler winning a jackpot at an old fashioned slot machine that pays in coins. But it’s most likely inspired by the sound of two swashbucklers fighting, then calling a truce and ending the night toasting each other with top-shelf Appletinis. Cha-ching!
“Moira Jane’s Cafe (Edit)” - Definition of Sound
Somebody let me know that “Moira Jane” was slang for “Mary Jane” which is also slang for marijuana. I’m letting you know in case you have a problem with marijuana or slang. In which case, this is definitely not the song for you.
Listen on Spotify
Listen on YouTube Music
That’s all for now!
“I refuse to believe that Hendrix had the last possessed hand, that Joplin had the last drunken throat, that Morrison had the last enlightened mind.” ― Patti Smith