Five Song Friday: Father Son Time
Episode #148: Bold Statements, Corpse Carpets, and Sex Pests
Hey there champ, how are you holding up?
Mom told me you had a rough day at school. You want to come out from under the bed so we can talk?
No? Okay, no problem. I’ll talk. You listen.
I heard some boys at lunch said a few not-so-nice things. They called you names and made fun of your clothes.
Things got physical and one of the boys socked you in the eye with his fist.
I also understand that at some point, your pants came down… and then all the way off. The whole cafeteria saw your bits and bobs and then these boys hoisted you headfirst into a trash can.
Now your John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt is internet famous.
First of all, I am so sorry that happened. Mom said you weren’t seriously hurt. You have a shiner and some bruises, but you’ll live.
Those things will heal. But I’ll be honest with you, the embarrassment is gonna sting for a while. Heck, you were more than embarrassed… that was Grade A humiliation.
Son, let me tell you something about bullies. They are weak. They play strong and act tough and talk with plenty of bluster, but it’s all an act.
Deep down they’re damaged and cowardly. Once upon a time, someone hurt them and now they feel the need to pay that pain forward.
Remember when I told you that it’s wrong to judge people because everybody is dealing with something?
Take these boys. Maybe they act out because life at home is hard. Maybe one of them is angry because his grandma is sick. One’s daddy drinks too much. Or maybe they’re all mad because they just aren’t as smart as you.
What I’m saying is: sometimes a bully is just a broken person who needs love.
Sometimes the best thing to do is take the higher road, acknowledge their humanity and offer them the healing they need.
Sometimes the best revenge is empathy.
But not this time.
So what we’re going to, me and you, is find out where they live.
We’re going to wait until their families are asleep and then we’re going in with zip ties, duct tape and baseball bats. The whole kit and kaboodle.
We snatch up every one of those boys and bring them back here to the basement.
Your mom has cleared out her scrapbooking corner and Uncle Paul is lending us his dog crates. I brought home a set of old dental tools from the office and I’ve already let Peggy know to cancel all of my patients for the next two days.
The way I see it, you can be the bigger man until you’re blue in the face.
But if we keep going high when they go low, we’ll never get the chance to meet them on their level, face-to-face, where a swift head butt can split noses open like lobster tails.
There comes a time when, just like our beloved pup Porkchop, you need to send civil discourse off to a farm where it can run and be free. This is that time.
It’s time to take the gloves off, knock those smug smiles off their faces and collect all the loose teeth to make your mom a fancy-schmancy necklace.
So what do you say champ?
Ready to spend the weekend “getting medieval” with your old man?
Five Song Friday #148
“Exclamation Point’” - Latryx, Forrest Day
This is my favorite piece of punctuation! And definitely the most overused! But God help me, I can’t get enough! I mean, it’s just one line with a dot at the bottom, but… WHAT A LINE! Let’s hear it for ALL CAPS too! Now I’m SHOUTING! I’M REALLY, REALLY LOUD! Let’s get even LOUDER! BOLD ALL CAPS WITH TRIPLE EXCLAMATION POINTS TO FINISH!!! OUCH! MY EARS!
“Love You” - Syd Barrett
Thank you Syd. I know you wanted me to say “I love you” back, but I’m just not there yet. You seem like a nice young man. I mean, you’re not young anymore. You released this song in 1970, five years after you co-founded Pink Floyd and two years after they kicked you out. I’m pretty sure you’re dead by now. [Checks Wikipedia] Yep, you’re dead. Sorry about that. And I’m also sorry that I can be hard to read emotionally. It’s not you. You’re great. I like you, but I don’t LIKE LIKE you. You get me? Shine on you crazy diamond. RIP.
“Burn and Rob” - The Mattoid
I know it’s probably a sin or something to share a song that goes so hard against Christians when the Pope is in the midst of packing for his one-way trip to Eternal Salvation Summer Camp. But the church is tough and I’m confident they can survive one Finnish guy singing about taking drugs, screwing and murdering his neighbors while listening to Christian records played backwards.
“In Control” - Baker Boy
Just a reminder that despite the chaos that unfurls every morning like a rolled up carpet filled with dead bodies delivered to your doorstep… you are in control. You are in control of everything from your attention to your emotions. You control what you say, what you do and where you spend your money. You have the wheel. You don’t have to fall in line. So when Netflix starts playing another movie IMMEDIATELY after the movie you just finished? You don’t have to watch it. Raise a fist. Resist. And turn that shit off. That will show them.
“Yes Chef” - Ariel Sharratt, Mathias Kom, Shotgun Jimmie
I fell in love with this song when I heard the word “ramekin.” A boombox playing an old Black Sabbath cassette? The dish pit? Sitting on buckets? Anyone who’s ever worked in restaurants will appreciate the attention to detail. I was lucky enough to get out before the Great American Foodie Boom, so saying “Yes, Chef” wasn’t really a thing. Nobody was called an ARTISAN except the one waitress who was good at doing the chalkboard sign. No such thing as culinary CULTURE. And there wasn’t as much reverence for the CULINARY CRAFT. It was mostly just a bunch of cranky alcoholics, addicts and sex pests and I miss them all very much.
“I just need an overwhelming amount of love. And a nap. Mostly a nap.”
― Townes Van Zandt (Born March 7, 1944)
Thanks for reading!
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete