Five Song Friday: Gorgonzola Fever Dream
Episode #114: Unsober Angels, King Crack and Basement Fuzz
We’re jumping up and down on the bed when she turns to me and says, “Maybe we shouldn’t do this.”
“Of course we should,” I say. “This is what mattresses were made for.”
“This doesn’t feel right. This jumping up and down.”
“But this is the reason mattresses are so springy. This is why God made mattresses soft and bouncy.”
“God didn't make this mattress,” she says.
And we stop jumping just like that.
My legs go stiff.
I'm bobbing up and down as the mattress settles and she is already off the bed.
She reaches under the comforter and pulls out a tag.
“What do you mean? Of course God made this mattress,” I say.
“No,” she says. “This mattress was made in China. It says right here.”
She’s right. It does say ‘Made in China.’
Right there in plain English.
“Why wouldn’t they write that in Chinese?” I ask.
“Good question,” she says.
We sit on the floor and feel ashamed.
I can’t believe I fell for that old Chinese mattress trick.
How am I ever going to explain this to my kids?
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” I ask.
“Only if you’re thinking that we need to get rid of this mattress right away.”
And of course, that’s exactly what I’m thinking.
But there’s no way it will fit out the window. It’s way too big too flush down the toilet. And burning it would probably just catch the rest of the house on fire.
So we make a plan to shred it into tiny pieces.
But how? Scissors? Razor blades?
“CATS,” she says.
“Brilliant,” I say. “But we don’t own any cats.”
“Cats are easy to get. I see cats outside all the time,” she says. “We just need to go into the alley with food and lure some cats into our special cat basket.”
“One problem,” I say. “Actually... TWO problems. One, we don’t have any cat food. Two, we don’t have a special cat basket."
She laughs at this like it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard.
And she keeps laughing until I start laughing too.
So we’re laughing and laughing and rolling on the floor laughing and then she slaps me hard across the face.
“Get it together,” she says. “I’ll weave a special cat basket. You find cat food. Google what cats like to eat. If that doesn’t work, just make tiny sandwiches.”
I can still feel the sting in my cheek, but I’m excited by our plan.
If we can get enough cats, this just might work.
Getting them to shred the mattress should be easy because cats love to shred things and from what I’ve learned on the internet... they hate mattresses.
But between the two of us, there is still one unanswered question.
A lingering doubt that neither of us has to courage to make real by speaking out loud...
If our plan works, where in the world are we going to sleep tonight?
Five Song Friday #114
“Keep It Movin” - Wax Tailor, D Smoke
I had an elderly neighbor named Walter who was a real character. He used to say, “You should always start things out a little funky.” This song is a tribute to his indomitable spirit and joie de vivre. I know if he could hear this playlist from heaven, he would be smiling. He would also be super drunk, because he was always super drunk. He once told me he was looking forward to death because they have the “best hooch in heaven” and you could “drink all day long and pee-pee on people from the clouds.” He also said some other stuff that I can’t repeat. Good old Walter!
“Take Me Higher (Who Let the Devil In)” - Sargeant X Comrade
Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Queen of Lo-Fi Soul. Not only do I really dig that moniker, but I had to stand and slow clap for the lyric, “Ever since the Old Testament/He’s been testing my temperament.” Respect.
“I Punch Above” - Floating Action
You don’t hear much about people punching above their weight these days. We’ve become a nation of soft bullies kicking others when they’re down. Harassing online. Talking smack behind people’s back. Pulling a gun any time we feel disrespected. I miss the old days of David and Goliath or Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed. What happened to rooting for the underdog? We created America by punching above our weight and kicking the King of England in the butt crack. Sure, we stole the land and oppressed an entire nation of indigenous peoples, but we had spunk! SPUNK!
“A New England” - Billy Bragg
Full confession? I’ve slept on Billy Bragg. I filed him away in my head as a political guy. I figured his music was mostly songs with lyrics that rhymed with “proletariat” and other words I’d have to Google to discuss intelligently. I assumed he was busy making concept albums about labor struggles in Manchester and not singing about love and hope and loss and regret and… humanity. My bad.
“Your Genius Hands” - Everclear
Once upon a time you could tune in to MTV and hear music that you never heard before. I remember one day back in nineteen hundred and ninety three, during a program entitled “One Hundred and Twenty Minutes,” I caught the video for “Fire Maple Song” by Everclear. My brain sent a thumbs-up emoji message to my body and I immediately drove myself to the music store in search of a physical, compact disc copy of World of Noise. This is the first song off that album, an album that was only supposed to be a demo and it sounds exactly like what you hope three guys in a basement using a blown Fender amp would sound like.
“A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.” ― Bob Dylan (Born May 24, 1941)
Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete