Five Song Friday: Have Yourself a Movie Little Christmas
Episode #139: Hide and Seek Soul, Fishing Gear and Masculine Hugs
Dear High-Ranking Netflix Executive,
I’m writing because I want to share brilliant Christmas movie ideas that I believe will benefit all of humanity and make the world a better place.
These ideas come from a genuine place of love, free of cynicism and any taint of insincerity. They are fueled by the pure, innocent magic of the holiday season and in that spirit of giving, I offer them to you for absolutely nothing.
My only wish is that you give them the greenlight, rush them through to casting and production and get them on the platform by November of next year so that they may bring joy and laughter to the masses.
Do not send any money.
Just kidding! I definitely want to be paid, so don’t even THINK about stealing any of these (my lawyers already have copies of the scripts).
I know you’re super busy lighting cigars with your Squid Game money, so I’ll spare you any more wind-up and get right to the pitches.
Hold on to your jingle bells!
7 Can’t-Miss, Instant Classic Romantic Christmas Movie Blockbusters for 2025
When Donner Met Blitzen
People love movies where animals fall in love: Lady and the Tramp, King Kong, The Muppets Take Manhattan.
But is anyone else tired of the same old, hairy, hetero snooze fest? Is anyone else wondering, “Where are my same-sex hoofed mammal hookups at?”
They’re at the North Pole, that’s where!
This movie will answer the age-old question of “Can two magical reindeer just be friends?”
Spoiler alert: Nope! And Santa’s stables get steamy when these two sleigh-pulling coworkers find out just how much heat they can generate together!
You’re probably wondering if there’s even an audience for an erotic holiday drama starring two computer-generated female reindeer. And honestly? I don’t know.
But there’s only one way to find out!
Fleas Navidad
When Rachel comes back to her rural Canadian hometown to start a mobile dog grooming business, she finds more than she bargains for when Grizzly Greg, the local wilderness hermit, shows up with two raccoons who REALLY need a bath!
When it turns out that his “pets” are just two river rocks wrapped in ferret pelts, Julie feels sorry for Greg and gives him the deluxe treatment, including shampoo, trim and blow dry.
It turns out that underneath all that hair and filth, Greg is a bonafide hunk! Freshly scrubbed and shaved, the homeless weirdo rediscovers his mojo and goes on this crazy shopping montage. He tries on so many outfits and crazy hats and the old ladies in the town are like, “Oh my goodness!”
Even the very wealthy, cosmopolitan wife of the mayor develops a crush on Greg. Now that he’s not so Grizzly, the whole town is competing for this guy’s affection! He gets voted the King of Christmas and as leader of the annual parade, he has to choose a Christmas Queen.
Everybody thinks it’s going to be Rachel, but at the very end, he shows up with a burnt log wearing a wig and is SUPER into making out with it!
The moral of the story? Sometimes you can’t hide mental illness with a makeover!
Baby, It’s Cold Inside
Jakob and Stacy live in the same building but have never met. She works the day shift at the hospital and he spends his nights behind the bar at Whiskey Dick’s.
But this year, it’s a stormy and snowy Christmas Eve and they both have the night off.
When they meet for the first time in the hallway, sparks literally fly because the building’s fuse box explodes and the two perfect strangers are forced to spend the evening huddled together inside Jakob’s apartment as temperatures outside dip dangerously below freezing.
That one magical night turns into weeks because the entire building is covered in six feet of solid ice! The couple quickly go from cuddling to cannibalism when they are forced to eat the frozen carcasses of their elderly neighbors who were not strong enough to survive alone.
I know it sounds dark, but it is actually very charming!
My favorite scene is when they both start laughing because they realize they are eating the actual hands of the building’s handyman.
Olaf’s Off-White Christmas
Olaf is a Norwegian man who visits New York City to meet the parents of his pen pal girlfriend. Because he lives in the Land of the Midnight Sun, he is very pale. Olaf is so pale that when he tries to leave LaGuardia airport, the cab drivers refuse to give him a ride because they think he’s a ghost.
Will he be stuck at the airport forever? Why are the children so afraid of him?
Worried that he’ll miss dinner with his sweetheart’s family, Olaf tries to convince everybody that he is actually a real man by darkening his complexion. He rubs dirt and grime on his face, but this comes across super racist and things get REALLY bad from there!
Does he ever reunite with his lady friend? Yes, but only after getting punched a whole bunch and learning some hard lessons from a panhandling Santa who tells him to “start running or start bleeding.”
Did I mention this one is a musical?
Snowball’s Chance in Hell
Fred Snowball despises his dead-end office job and hates his name even more. The tumor in his brain is acting up again and his wife just left him. Now he’s facing Christmas alone.
Things seem super bleak and sad until Fred remembers the enormous lottery jackpot. This year’s drawing is on Christmas Eve and Fred figures his luck couldn’t get any worse, so he spends his entire Christmas bonus hoping to win the $2 billion prize.
He doesn’t. And the rest of the movie is him crying in a motel room while the prostitute he hired plays games on her phone.
Christian Bale would be really good in this.
The GingerBrad Man
Polly is an international sports attorney who is running late to catch her flight home to Miami from Paris. She has a blood sugar thing and always needs to eat or else she gets dizzy and cranky (one time she just passed right out).
Because the line at the French Sbarro is too long, she keeps moving and soon spots an old woman by the restrooms selling home-baked gingerbread men. She buys two and eats one on the way to the plane. The other one goes into her purse.
What she doesn’t know is that a terrorist on the plane drops some nuclear material in her purse so he doesn’t get caught. Somehow Polly makes it through security, but the leaky radioactive juice gets all over the gingerbread man.
What happens next? Let’s just say that when she shows up for her ladies book club with a 6-foot Gingerbread Stud named Brad in tow, the bawdy hilarity begins.
Somebody pass the milk!
Nog, Nog. Who’s There? It’s Me… LOVE!
Neil is a down on his luck, door-to-door eggnog salesman. Grace is a perpetually depressed and lonely homebody who is severely lactose intolerant.
On paper, these two shouldn’t work. Not in a million years. But in this movie? Gasoline on a bonfire! They hit it off big time.
Neil explains that if he doesn’t meet his sales quota this week, he’ll likely lose his job and be unable to pay his elderly mother’s oxygen bill.
Grace is completely smitten and agrees to buy everything he’s got… if he agrees to take her to the town’s Annual Christmas Dance.
Neil says, “You got a deal!” and kisses Grace right on the lips. But he’s been swigging nog all day and when Grace tastes it, she pushes him away and says, “Oh no! I’m going to have terrible diarrhea tonight for sure!”
Neil pulls her close and says, “Correction, WE’RE going to have terrible diarrhea tonight.”
There’s also a really funny part at a Christmas tree farm when she accidentally eats yogurt.
Those are just the tip of the iceberg.
I look forward to hearing from you!
Happy Holidays!
Five Song Friday #139
“Business Man” - The Shovels
Hey Business Man, why don’t you stop doing evil? You think it makes you seem cool? You think lying and cheating and stealing is COOL? Because it’s not. It’s hurtful and mean and it makes you look weak. So maybe instead of tearing down forests and dumping toxic waste in the water supply, maybe you stop and take inventory of your soul. Make sure you still have one. Doublecheck, because sometimes your soul can get stuck behind your pancreas. If you still can’t find it, look under the kidneys. No? Keep looking… we’ll wait.
“Strawberry Sunscreen” - Lostboycrow
I always loved the smell of sunscreen, but the taste left something to be desired. That’s why I no longer eat sunscreen and I strongly advise you not to eat it either. Whine all you want, but you know I’m right.
“La La La La La” - The LaSalles
Who needs lyrics when you can just make noises? Writing words to go with the music seems really hard and it’s much easier to just do random mouth sounds. Not everybody has to be Bob Goddamned Dylan.
“It Was Electric” - Bait Bag
I’m not judging, but when you pick a band name like Bait Bag, are you really thinking of the long game? Sure it’s funny at first, but eventually that name is going on t-shirts and baseball caps. Is that what you want up there in lights on a marquee? What if you get really popular and kids want lunchboxes and backpacks? Is it going to be easy to explain to their parents what a “bait bag” is? Because it sounds absolutely filthy. Even if it is a fishing thing, you know there are some grandmas out there who are going to swear it has something to do with drugs or butt stuff.
“I’m a Man” - Smoove
You aren’t a man until you can stand up and declare it. For years, all I could do was whisper it under my breath. I couldn’t even look into my own eyes in the mirror. But today, thanks to this song, I am comfortable in my manliness. I can give my machismo a great big bear hug. I wrap myself in the weighted blanket of masculinity. It fits me like a snug pair of footy pajamas. Pajamas decorated with guns and beer cans and also trucks and more guns.
“You can’t disco in jackboots.” - Mike Watt (Born December 20, 1957)
Five Song Friday Xmas 2024 Bonus Playlist!
Thanks for reading!
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete