Five Song Friday: How to Build a Snowman
Episode #141: Name Dropping, Tiny Horses and Cereal for Dinner
The secret to building the perfect Snowman isn’t a secret at all. Anyone can do it and I’m about to tell you how.
Winter can be long, dark and depressing. But I believe that as long as you have hope in your heart and snow on the ground, you will never be alone.
Harsh January storms bring freezing temperatures, high winds and dangerous conditions. But they can also deliver the opportunity to literally make new friends.
According to science, snow is the only precipitation on Earth that can become your new BFF.
But let me be clear about something… whatever you build is not coming to life.
I don’t care how many magic silk hats you have or red scarves that remind you of your dead handyman husband or harmonicas from your selfish musician dad who ignored you until the day he died.
No matter how horny or heartbroken you are, this is the real world. Snow is snow.
A Snowman sits on your lawn or sidewalk and stares lifelessly into the distance. He is just frozen water and assorted vegetables. He cannot walk or talk, laugh or cry.
Once the temperature gets above freezing, your new best friend will die.
Why does it have to be a Snow-MAN? Can’t I build something with a more fluid identity?
I’m using the term “Snowman,” but this will be a sculpture with no genitals. It will not have a ding-dong or lady bits because that would be gross.
Boobs are also inappropriate since they will be on display in front of your home where young children and immature men will see them.
If gender identity is a priority, you’re welcome to call it a Snowlady. A Snowperson. Give it a backstory and sensible shoes, I don’t care.
Right now I’m going to tell you how to build a Snowman.
Now, let’s get into the nitty-gritty…
First, you need snow. This is non-negotiable.
I know some people prefer instant mashed potatoes, but that is NOT a Snowman. That’s an Instant Mashed Potatoes Man. Completely different.
An Instant Mashed Potatoes Man is delicious, but much more expensive than just using free snow from the ground. And your kids will likely need therapy once the crows and squirrels get wind of him.
Anything that involves spray-painted yoga balls, quick-dry concrete or sculpted styrofoam is also a disqualifier. Spray paint balls on your own time.
Skip the fancy tools and gadgets.
I work bare-handed because that’s how I learned. Growing up, we were too poor to afford gloves and my dad always told me you get much better surface detail with bare fingers on ice.
Sure it hurts like a thousand hot sewing needles jabbed into your finger bones, but all that pain only adds to the pride of the finished product.
Take the snow and pack two boulders.
One big one for the body and a slightly smaller one for the head.
Only two? Why not three? Isn’t three sections the more traditional model?
Shut up.
Three-high Snowmen are for show-offs and people who don’t care about the structural integrity of their make-believe friends.
If you go for a Vince Vaughn or Liam Neeson-sized Snowman, that first big gust of wind is going to leave you with a pile of cold garbage. Keep the center of gravity low and your guy will last long into the thaw.
Clothes and accessories are optional, but lifelike eyes are a must.
Go ahead and add a funny hat if you feel it. Corn cob pipes are cliche and sunglasses are silly. If you stick a vape pen in his mouth, I’m never speaking to you again.
I always felt that stick arms were creepy, so I avoid limbs altogether. Stick with simple and uncluttered so your pal doesn’t look like a sad, wet mannequin on the side of the road.
The most important thing to remember is the eyes. The eyes change EVERYTHING.
Your Snowman deserves better than buttons or coal, so put in some effort. Give those peepers some light and life. Work until you can feel them looking into your soul.
Once you feel that spark, I want you to get on your knees, hug him tight and whisper into where his ear would be, “I love you.”
Say it like you mean it and keep hugging him until you can feel him hugging you back.
Congratulations on your new, totally alive soul mate! You did it!
I know I said that your snowman wouldn’t really come to life, but that was a lie.
I also told you to avoid boobs, but I never said anything about nipples.
Trust me, I hate lying to people, but coming in hot out of the gate usually turns people off. We live in a cynical time where people would rather stay sad and angry at each other.
They don’t want to believe in magic.
They don’t want to believe that you can take frozen water that fell from the sky and shape it into a magical, limbless being with dreamy eyes and oddly shaped nipples who lives in a walk-in freezer in your garage and loves to just sit around with you on Sunday mornings listening to jazz and doing the New York Times crossword puzzle.
They don’t want to believe in love.
And to me, that’s just sad.
Five Song Friday #141
“Seth Cohen’” - Beach Weather
I don’t know who this Seth Cohen guy is, but he sounds amazing. Or awful. I can’t really tell. Either way, the dude has a song named after him so he must be flattered, wherever he is. I have zero songs named after me. You hear that Taylor Swift? ZERO [winking emoji].
“Lock Stock and Barrel” - Schur
Do you remember when Tipper Gore got all bent out of shape about filthy rock and rap lyrics back in the 1990s? She’s probably having a hard time these days in a world where songs like “WAP” top the charts and the most popular dance move is dry humping the ground. Even though this song has its share of swear words and f-bombs, I think the former Second Lady might appreciate lines like: “I got a car full of coupons / saving like a soccer mom” and “I’m not about the Gucci / More about the Gap.” And if she doesn’t, I really don’t understand where or how she finds joy in her life.
“One and Only” - Gabriels
In my dreams I am a soulful singer who sings in such a high register that people believe I am a woman. I also own a sanctuary for old miniature horses and wear nothing but camouflaged unitards. It’s all a bit much.
“When She Goes” - The Big Push
This is a song about a guy left alone while his lady is out of town. If I wrote this song it would be all about eating cereal for dinner and getting lost in music documentary rabbit holes on YouTube.
“I Want You Back (Z-Trip Remix)” - The Jackson 5, Z-Trip
These Jackson boys can really sing! I hope everything works out for them, especially Jermaine who seems like the real breakout talent.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” - Rod Stewart (Born January 10, 1945)
Thanks for reading!
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete