Five Song Friday: How to Survive Canada
Episode #121: Racist Distractions, Bearded Longhairs and Sexy Bridges
Listen to me if you want to live.
Hello America! I have returned from an extended trip deep inside our Northern neighbors and I have some sage survival advice for anyone who may be headed the same way.
Don’t worry! When I say “survival,” I don’t mean to suggest that Canada is a dangerous place. It’s not. Nothing bad ever happens there and nothing ever will.
Canada is a lovely country and my wife and I just adore the crap out of it.
Part of what we love is the unspoiled natural landscapes, the legendary decency of its people and its refreshing lack of Americans.
They measure temperature in Celsius, distance in kilometers and gasoline in liters!
Their money has fun names like “Loonie” and “Toonie”!
And man oh man, just wait until you check out the snack aisle!
Our most recent trip also felt we were familiarizing ourselves with the route we’d need to take once things down here go full Handmaid’s Tale.
You can never be too prepared.
This go round, we stuck to New Brunswick, Nova Scotia and Newfoundland (aka “The Maritimes”), but most of these tips apply countrywide.
Unless you’re headed deep into the Northwest Territories or the Yukon. In which case, you should familiarize yourself with how to handle feral lumberjacks and make sure you’re up to date on your shots for Beaver Pox.
Border Jokes
They may be all smiles at the border checkpoint, but don’t be fooled by those big teeth and adorable accents. This is NOT the time to make jokes. Nothing about maple syrup bootlegging or smuggling hockey pucks full of hashish. Nothing about digging up the bones of Anne Murray.
And definitely don’t say you had a really big breakfast and the one bomb you’re carrying is meant for the hotel bathroom.
The only person who finds that funny is the guy in the back with the Rush t-shirt and Wolverine sideburns who brings his own latex gloves and seems way too into cavity searches.
Geography Quizzes
You’ll strike up plenty of conversations along the way with friendly Canadians on holiday. When they tell you where they’ve traveled from, just nod along like you know exactly where Alberta is.
You have two choices: you can actually learn enough about Canadian geography to keep up or you can perfect a dead-eyed facial expression that communicates you don’t know, don’t really care and are not at all interested in further explanation.
If this makes you feel like a bad person, that’s okay.
It IS kind of lazy and rude to not learn the general lay of the land. After all, there are only 10 provinces and 3 territories.
But you’ll feel better when you tell them where you’re from and they just nod, glaze over and tell you about the one time they went to Orlando.
Danger Moose
In heavy moose areas, you should not drive at night.
Roadway accidents are common because moose are notoriously hard to see in the dark. Their eyes and fur do not reflect light very well.
One fellow traveler actually told us that not only do moose not reflect light, they ABSORB it… along with all forms of matter and energy. He said moose are basically black holes with antlers. Four-legged gateways into oblivion and nothingness.
He said it’s impossible to hit one with your car because something about spacetime continuums and automatic transmissions. I stopped paying attention.
—
That’s about it!
The only other thing I’d add is not to get too cocky. Be respectful. Keep that inner Ugly American on a short leash.
Oh, and respect the native cuisine.
I say this because of something that happened over a plate of poutine.
Poutine is basically french fries with gravy. Sometimes it comes with a bunch of other stuff like Canada’s version of nachos. It definitely has the potential to be delicious.
But if you get poutine at a middle of the road restaurant, it’s going to look a lot like diarrhea fries. And you might be tempted to call them “diarrhea fries” out loud.
The next thing you know, you find the sound of the words “diarrhea fries” hilarious and you can’t stop saying them and giggling like a 9-year-old.
Do not do this.
They REALLY don’t like it.
Five Song Friday #121
“Take the Skinheads Bowling” - Woog Riots
I think the logic here is that if you take the skinheads bowling, you keep them busy doing fun stuff instead of letting them get bored, because when they get bored they get angry and that always leads to violent racist stuff. But if you take them bowling, they get into the game and order hot wings and maybe drop a few bucks into the Lord of the Rings pinball machine in the lobby and once they start laughing and having a great time, nobody cares about master race this and master that.
“Shimmy Shimmy Ya” - Mountain Head
Two bearded longhairs in cowboy hats with fake gold grills covering the Wu-Tang Clan could go one of two ways. You either think to yourself, “What a wacky mashup of styles and genres! I love the unsubtle subversion of expectations here!” Or you default immediately to “Groan. Hard pass.” But I suggest you let yourself land somewhere in between. Because if you close your eyes and use your imagination, this could just as easily be a couple of Dutch DJs dropping a late night dance floor smoke bomb.
“Karma Chameleon” - Drew Love
Look, I know that whistling + ukulele + Culture Club has “rom-com roll credits needle drop” written all over it. But I dare you to not want to be at the make-believe party when the horns and hand claps kick in.
“I Would Die 4 You” - Mariachi El Bronx
This band is a side project of Los Angeles punk quintet, The Bronx. Let this be a side project lesson to every other band in the world. If you really want to do something different? Don’t just shuffle band members around so your drummer can finally do his Phil Collins vocal impression. Don’t just team up with other groups to do mopier versions of the same songs with a weirder band name. Go BIG. Get matching embroidered jackets and sombreros. Grab those maracas with both hands and GO FOR IT.
“How Soon Is Now?” - Mike Viola, The Section Quartet
Maybe I’ve already told the story of the first time I heard the Johnny Marr guitar riff from “How Soon Is Now?” I was a teenager in bed with headphones and the ceiling opened up, God picked me up by the scruff of my neck, looked me straight in the eyes and said, “How do you like them apples?” I said I liked them very much. I still do. Especially when you mix those apples with a string section and stretch those sweet, sexy bridges out so long they feel like the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel dipped in hot fudge and caramel.
“Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice guy, I like him just fine / But he’s a mouth breather” - David Yow (Born August 2, 1960)
Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete