Five Song Friday: How to Survive Life After High School
Episode #116: String Bean Limbs, Armpit Noise and Sweaty Bellies
Hello and congratulations to the Class of 2024! You did it!
Thank you for choosing me to deliver your commencement speech.
Now hold on to your buttholes because I’m about to inspire the crap out of you.
[hold for laughter and applause, wink at the faculty]
Let me start with a story…
You hear the one about the two young fish swimming along who meet an older fish?
Older fish says, “Morning boys, how’s the water?”
The two younger fish are confused for a moment, like they don’t fully grasp the concept of “water.” They are on the verge of rethinking their entire existence.
But the moment passes and instead, they just beat up and rob the older fish. The older fish eventually succumbs to his injuries and dies.
The two fish are never charged and go on to live however long fish live, which isn’t very long.
[dramatic pause]
Moral of the story?
That’s how it is out here in the real world. No joke.
You never know when someone is going to step to you. Keep your eyes on everybody.
Even fish.
Here’s another one…
Everybody thinks Thomas Edison was a brilliant inventor, but the thing he was really good at was FAILURE.
According to a famous commencement speech by Oscar-winning actor Denzel Washington, Edison failed 1,000 times before inventing the lightbulb on attempt 1,001.
That number seems a little on the nose, but whatever.
The point is that not everything he did was great.
Sure, lightbulbs are super dope. So are movie cameras and record players. And yeah, his studio was the first to make a funny cat video.
But Edison spent most of his time being sad and shaking his fists at the sky. He screwed pooches. He shat beds.
He failed a lot and so will you.
Especially THIS guy in the funny hat.
[point at a specific person in the audience, pause for laughter because they are ALL wearing funny hats]
One more quick one…
Earlier this year I was diagnosed with pre-cancer.
Talk about a wake-up call! It made me realize my time was limited and I didn’t want to waste it living someone else’s life.
My doctor gave me two weeks.
TWO WEEKS.
So… two weeks later I came in and had the pre-cancers removed.
[pause for relieved laughter because the audience probably thought I meant that I had two weeks to live!]
It was a benign skin thing. No big deal.
But during my ordeal I Googled “cool people with cancer” and found a 2005 commencement address by turtleneck enthusiast Steve Jobs.
His speech ended with the words, “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.”
Powerful, right?
But that kind of idealistic nonsense comes easy for a billionaire genius.
The truth is that if you “Stay Foolish,” you will “Stay Hungry.”
If you want to survive in this world, you need to get serious.
Can I get real with you for a minute?
I’m standing here on stage looking out at thousands of hopeful, inspired faces.
You are all (rightfully) proud of how far you’ve come and eager to get on with the rest of your journey.
You’re beaming with pride and brimming with possibilities.
And honestly, a few of you look super high.
This is a big day for you. You are on the precipice of greatness, looking down into the chasm of the rest of your life.
Some of you are going to jump. Some will be pushed. Others will trip and tumble hilariously over the edge.
But none of you will survive without a parachute or a bungee cord or one of those flying squirrel suits.
Here’s the thing, if it’s a regular cliff, you probably don’t have enough room to deploy a chute. You’ll hit bottom and that thing will just become a silky wrapper for your mangled corpse.
And bungee cords need a bridge or some sort of man-made structure. If you think looping it around a tree will work? Good luck living the rest of your life as a torso!
If you’re standing here jumping off the cliff into your bold and promising future, the only way you come out of this alive is with one of those flying squirrel suits.
You don’t have one of those? You’re dead.
End of story.
I don’t care where you’re going to college or what your GPA is or how good you are at sinking three pointers…
You don’t have a flying squirrel suit? Game over.
[dramatic pause, slowly walk to edge of stage]
But I don’t want any of you to worry… because I have left something very special for each of you under your chairs.
[cue pyrotechnics, needle drop “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins]
YOU get a flying squirrel suit! YOU get a flying squirrel suit! YOU get a flying squirrel suit!
EVERYBODY BODY GETS A FLYING SQUIRREL SUIT!
[mic drop]
Five Song Friday #116
“Hellbound” - The Breeders
There are 3 reasons why this song is on this week’s playlist… 1. The Breeders debut album, Pod has been bubbling up again lately in the aftermath of producer Steve Albini’s passing and I was reminded that it’s really great. 2. I saw The Pixies last weekend and missed Kim Deal’s magically ethereal vocality. She is not dead, just no longer part of the band. 3. It’s been 34 years since this record came out and I still have no idea what’s going with the cover. I always assumed it was some kind of banana man with ghoulish string bean arms. Maybe you have an idea.
“Mr. Broccoli” - Tall Dwarfs
These two guys from New Zealand are credited with kicking off the lo-fi pop revolution. What is lo-fi pop? It’s when you can’t afford real instruments or a professional studio, so you bang on pots and pans and make funny sounds with your armpits into a Radio Shack Cassette Recorder.
“Hide & Seek” - The Jesus Lizard
You guys! Jesus Lizard lives! The band is back and this song is brand-spanking new! I have fond memories of hoisting lead singer David Yow in the pit back at the tail end of the 20th century. We had a lovely move that involved me getting underneath him and hoisting him by his sweaty, shirtless belly using my face. Good times.
“Mas Y Mas” - Reyna Tropical
Reyna Tropical began in 2018 when Fabi Reyna and Nectali Díaz met and started making music together. This song is from their self-titled debut EP. Nectali died in 2002, but Fabi has kept the band going to honor her missing musical partner. There’s no joke here. I probably should have re-written this with less of a bummer ending.
“The Fifteenth Floor” - Skint & Demoralised
In case you didn’t know, “skint” is British slang for broke. Busted. Money-less. If you already knew that? Good for you. Bloody good for you mate.
“I like constructive criticism from smart people.” - Prince (Born June 7, 1958)
Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete