Five Song Friday: How to Win Christmas
This Week: Mumble Screams, Unspoken Rules and Dribbly Drawl
This is not going to be one of those warm fuzzy takes on Christmas.
Because December 25th is not a holiday.
It’s not a heartwarming, wholesome time for family togetherness.
It’s a contest. A battle. A brawl.
The squiddiest of Squid Games.
And that cozy living room on Christmas morning, the one with the twinkling tree and all those presents?
That’s the arena. The octagon. Thunderdome.
You want to WIN Christmas? You have to BEAT every person in that room.
Not with your fists or giant candy canes, because that would be horrible.
You need to pummel them with the best, most thoughtful gifts.
Whup their pajama-wearing asses with consideration and kindness.
Seriously, you’ve got to give it to them and give it to them GOOD.
If you aren’t ready to bring the pain with a person-sized pile of perfect goddamn presents, you should absolutely stay in bed until the New Year.
Stay out of the ring. This is grown folks business.
Don’t come with that weak, artisan candle nonsense.
If you think anybody’s excited about sniffing hot cinnamon and sandalwood farts, the only thing you’re going to smell is disappointment.
Mother Theresa once said, “It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.”
Sweet, right?
Sure, Terry was a wise old nun who did an enormous amount of good for millions.
But she had no children and never saw the look on a kid’s face when all the presents were gone.
Christmas morning is serious business.
You need to knock socks off and blow minds.
What you do that day will echo in eternity.
Here are a few quick pointers to save you from embarrassing yourself.
First Rule: Forget about money.
Let me make this clear: winning Christmas has NOTHING to do with spending a specific amount of money on gifts.
Forget about trying to match the “national average” ($923) or keep up with the champagne tastes of your fancy lawyer friends down the street.
Worrying over how much to spend is a fool’s errand.
Because on Christmas, there is no budget.
You need to spend it ALL.
If you don’t wake up on Christmas Day with a negative balance, you didn’t try hard enough.
And it will show. Your half-assed efforts will let people down.
It’s likely that your family will no longer love you.
Second Rule: Sentimental is for Suckers
“Nice” is not a compliment.
In some cultures, “nice” is a crime punishable by face punch.
Trust me, you don’t want “nice.”
“Aww shucks” really sucks. You want “shock and awe.”
If you’re not ready to drop jaws and make people squeal, you should just call your mom to come pick you up.
Ask her to bring a change of underwear.
This ride is too scary for you.
Because real Christmas players don’t settle for gently plucking heartstrings. Real Christmas players wail on heartstrings like they just told an insensitive joke about their wife’s haircut.
Real Christmas players don’t play.
Your goal is to give gifts that buckle people’s legs. Cause fainting spells. Release raw, primal emotions.
Remember that scene from Twin Peaks when Sarah Palmer gets the phone call that her daughter Laura’s been killed?
You want that, but with happy tears.
Nobody screams like that for a foot scrub gift box.
Third Rule: Never Show Weakness
Stop apologizing before they even get the wrapping paper off.
Stop explaining. Nobody wants to hear the funny story about your trip to the mall or your haggling with Ebay trolls.
The more you talk, the more it says, “I am not confident about my gift.”
Keep your mealy-mouthed excuses to yourself. Let them open your package in complete and uncomfortable silence.
You did all the hard work of thinking, shopping and wrapping. Now lock eyes and buckle up for the ride.
Let THEM worry about how to hold their faces or what noises to make to conceal their disappointment.
If they look curious or confused, don’t talk.
Just shut your mouth and be cool.
Don’t tell them why you got it and what you thought they could use it for. This is no time for an omniscient narrator.
It happened. You gave them a box and they opened it. No going back. No do-overs.
Hold your tongue. Sit up straight. Eye of the tiger.
Look, Christmas is right around the corner, so you don’t have much time.
But you still have a few days, so take comfort in the words of another great warrior, General George S. Patton, who said, “A good plan, violently executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week.”
I hope these tips help.
I hope you can pull it off.
Because Christmas failure is the one gift you can’t return.
Either way, thanks for reading.
And for those who celebrate, I hope you “have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.”
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Five Song Friday 094
“L.U.V.” - Catholic Action
I have no idea what this song is about, but I like the way it swings. And I’m okay with not knowing. I’m secure in my mumble screaming. Life is better with mystery.
“Blood on Your Bootheels” - Caroline Rose
I’ve officially abandoned my unspoken, self-imposed rule to not repeat artists in this newsletter. The floodgates are officially open. I have also abandoned my unspoken, self-imposed rule to create unspoken, self-imposed rules. From now on, everything gets printed and goes in to the binder! Everything!
“Poor People’s Store’” - Shinyribs
If Shinyribs is singing about a good old-fashioned thrift store? I’m in. I’ve got a soft spot for sad collections of discarded goods put on display like an outsider artist’s take on a Macy’s department store. They usually smell funny and some of the book covers are sticky, but something about it feels like home.
“WILLY” - nobigdyl., Andy Mineo
Nobody says you have to sit up and have good posture to rap. If you want to lay back and put your feet up? Go right ahead. Maybe you’re worried because you recently took cold medicine. Not a problem. The slow, dribbly drawl of lyrics is all the rage these days, so you’ll do just fine. Nobody even watches videos anymore, so just thank God you don’t have to do all that MC Hammer choreography and whatnot.
“Everything Is Bullshit” - Particle Kid
Want to listen to a quick summary of the folly of human existence in the form of a cranky indie strummer that includes talking about poop, the eating of said poop, hallucinogenic mushrooms and the invention of smartphones and social media? Of course you do.
Hey! It’s a BONUS PLAYLIST!
In lieu of another collection of Christmas songs, I put together a quick, 25-song Cavalcade of Non-Christmas Covers for you to listen to after all the chaos has settled.
LISTEN: THE CAVALCADE OF NON-CHRISTMAS COVERS
“Winning is the most important thing in my life, after breathing. Breathing first, winning next.” - George Steinbrenner