Five Song Friday: Let's Get Spooky
This Week: Dumb Vampires, Indie Beefcake and Sad Taffy
You can’t go out looking like that.
This is Halloween. You need to do way better than a fright wig and a plastic machete.
Is your t-shirt supposed to be covered in blood? Because it looks like you forgot how to eat soup.
Am I supposed to believe that you have a sucking chest wound? Or that you lost control of a spicy marinara meatball?
Jesus, we have some work to do.
Look, the keys here are relevance, cleverness and commitment.
You can’t just roll around in the dirt, rip your clothes, splash on fake blood, smear on some white face paint and call yourself a soldier in the army of the undead. That whole business of sticking the word “zombie” in front of a profession is so 2016.
We’ve all moved on.
Nobody remembers the Zombie Accountants and Zombie Plumbers.
You want to leave an impression? I’m here to help.
Now, I’ve always been a big fan of the “ripped from the headlines” approach. But these days the news is scary enough.
Forget Fox News and CNN.
We’re skipping straight to the entertainment section.
We’re going to find inspiration in Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood.
Mario Lopez is our muse.
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce
This white hot power couple is going to be BIG. That’s why we need to think outside the end zone.
Guys: Wear the full Kansas City Chiefs outfit and carry around a fake, severed lady arm. When people ask, “Where’s Taylor?” You say, “I ate her.”
Ladies: Dress like Taylor Swift and carry around a fake bloody heart. When people ask, “Where’s Travis?” You say, “He is playing football.” When they ask, “What’s with the bloody heart?” You say, “A girl’s gotta eat!”
Ladies Alternate: A giant, glitter covered football costume with leg and arm holes cut out. Wear some wicked sexy heels and carry around a microphone. Sing Taylor Swift songs while sacking random strangers.
Men’s Alternate: Dress like Taylor Swift and carry a football. When people ask, “Where’s Taylor?” You say, “She is performing at a concert, but I enjoy wearing her clothes.”
But is it spooky? Yes, because if these two go on to conceive a child, that baby will eventually control the world. And even if they don’t make it, every day they’re together is another day that our children can use the word “Swelce” in a sentence.
The Golden Bachelor
Everybody loves this tall drink of water widower who is working his way through a mansion of horny grandmas in search of true love. Masquerading as the oldest reality show stud is easy. Put on your best church clothes, pop in a couple of hearing aids and invite all of your mother’s book club friends for a ride in your stretch Hummer. Don’t forget the white wine slushies!
But is it spooky? Only if you’re afraid of lusty older folks. In which case, yeah. Big time.
Actor on Strike
Make yourself one of those picket line signs you see all over Hollywood and put on your normal clothes. If people ask which actor you are supposed to be, just say, “I’m that guy/gal from that thing.” If they persist and ask, “No, really… what have I seen you in?” Just say, “Your mom” and RUN!
But is it spooky? Only if the idea of leaving your professional life in the hands of Fran Drescher is upsetting. (Did you hear the laugh in your head? Because I hear the laugh EVERY time).
Jada Pinkett Smith
This one is super easy. Get a name tag and write “Jada Pinkett Smith” super small. When you’re out and people ask who you are, point to the name tag. They will lean in and read it, “Jada Pinkett Smith?” Then you can slap them and say, “Get my wife’s name out of your motherfucking mouth!” Hilarious! And also… RUN!
But is it spooky? Did you see the stare she gave Chris Rock? Yeesh.
Britney Spears
I don’t mean to be insensitive, but if nobody takes the opportunity to don a bikini and dance around with a pair of butcher knives this year, then what are we even doing?
But is it spooky? Yep. Look at her eyes… lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes.
And here’s a bonus if you absolutely, positively need to go political this year…
G-Ron DeSantos
Based on the B-movie horror classic, The Man with Two Heads, this is a two-person costume combining all the smarmy charm of Florida Governor Ron DeSantis with pathological liar and New York congressman George Santos. Accessory options are endless: a burning book, a random baby, a volleyball. Knock yourself out.
The best part will be the all-night contest to see which of you can be the most annoying, obnoxious and self-deluded. Make sure to bring along a spray bottle to keep Ron’s upper lip moist and George’s face wet with flop sweat and crocodile tears.
Is it spooky? I guess. But mostly it’s just sad.
Good luck out there!
If all else fails, you could always roll around in the dirt, rip your clothes, splash on fake blood, smear on some white face paint and call yourself Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Happy Halloween!
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Five Song Friday 087
“Devil Town” - Daniel Johnston
The great thing about this Daniel Johnston song, besides its simplicity and brevity, is that it can apply to whatever town you want. Cleveland? Sure. Richmond? Okay. Austin? Why not. Almost any geographic location can be the depressing “Devil Town” Daniel sings about. And all its dum-dum citizens can be the vampires that really bring you down. (Not valid in Colorado, Utah and New Mexico).
“Season of the Witch’” - Luna
One night, many years ago, Luna lead singer Dean Wareham was watching television. Specifically, he was watching Halloween III: Season of the Witch and thinking “Oh my, this is scary.” The 1982 sequel didn’t include stab-happy villain Michael Myers and focused instead on a story of witchcraft and evil masks. Inspired (and still a bit frightened), Wareham wrote and recorded an original song based on the movie. But when he was finished, people told him that he’d actually just done a cover of a Donovan song from 1966. Spooky!
“Spirit in the Sky’” - Bauhaus
The original version of this Jesus-loving song by (very non-Catholic) Norman Greenbaum was a huge UK hit in 1969 and hit the US charts just as America kicked off the seventies. According to funeral directors, “Spirit in the Sky” was the second most requested song after “Danny Boy.” UK goth rock OGs Bauhaus covered it much later and their version became the most requested song at moody, forest parties held in the middle of nowhere for mascara-wearing sourpusses dressed in black. Angsty!
“Skulls” - The Lemonheads
If Evan Dando wasn’t such a dreamy hunk of indie beefcake, these lyrics would be terrifying. But as it stands, his fun and folksy cover of the Misfits’ serial killer love song lands like the kind of cheeky serenade you’d hear at a super hip house party in the 90s. “Did you hear that guy out by the keg on the back porch with the acoustic guitar? He’s singing about hanging corpses and severed heads! I’m gonna go home with him!” Yikes!
“Creep (Hungover at Soundcheck in Berlin)” - Amanda Palmer
Radiohead’s first breakout hit is catnip for cover-lovers and nobody wails it and nails it quite like a hungover Amanda Palmer. She stretches each line like sad taffy and you hardly even miss the thunderous CHA-CHUNK-CHUNK of the original. If you’re wondering exactly what kind of existential crisis you can have with a ukulele? The best kind. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
“Kill the brain and you kill the ghoul.” - Night of the Living Dead