Five Song Friday: Lost in the Memory Palace
This Week: Water Park Weirdos, God Socks and Manatee Fights
It was revealed this week that an 81-year-old man has trouble remembering things.
He also doesn’t do well with stairs.
And the smart money is that somewhere in his house there is a VCR blinking “12:00.”
Ordinarily, this would not be newsworthy.
But this man is the leader of the free world.
On the bright side, the damning statements about Joe Biden’s memory (released inside the special counsel’s report on the President’s mishandling of classified documents) are EXACTLY the kind of things that another, more orangey, old man was hoping would show up.
Which means that the rest of this year will be an epic battle of mumbled insults and arthritic finger-wagging!
The national stage is set for a prolonged “I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I” throwdown between two excitable and often confused old white men… aka DEMOCRACY!
To say that I’m looking forward to it would be… wildly inaccurate.
Just thinking about the next nine months makes me sad on a cellular level.
Things are going to get super weird and ugly.
If you haven’t read the report, the remarks about Biden’s mental sharpness are all kinds of “OOF.”
It’s going to take a lot of licking ice cream cones in aviator sunglasses to distract people from this.
Here’s just a sample of the shocking details from the special counsel report:
Biden couldn’t remember key milestone dates, such as when he was Vice-President or the year that his son Beau died.
He mistakenly referred to Egyptian leader Abdel Fattah El-Sissi as “the president of Mexico."
When people shout “Let’s Go Brandon!” he thinks they are talking about Brandon Walsh, the character Jason Priestley played on Beverly Hills 90210, so he gives a thumbs up because he always really liked Jason Priestley and wishes him well.
He often forgets he is married to Jill. Several times a day he points to her and asks an aide who she is. When the aide says, “That’s your wife, Mr. President,” Biden’s eyes get big and he smiles. Then he says something like “Va va va voom!” or “Ooh la LA!”
In the middle of speeches he has sometimes confused the podium microphone for a gun and will stop speaking and put up his hands. When prompted to continue, he will speak out of the side of his mouth and tell everybody to “Stay cool and nobody be a hero.”
Sometimes when he’s looking for his reading glasses… they are ON TOP OF HIS HEAD!
One night while watching an episode of The Mandalorian, Biden made a comment about Din Djarin’s childhood on Mandalore, even though he knows goddamn well that Djarin wasn’t born on Mandalore AND the Mandalorian-Jedi War nearly destroyed the planet. I mean, the Jedi literally scorched the surface during the final battle, rendering most of the planet uninhabitable!
During a state dinner at Shaquille O’Neal’s house, Biden confused a bedroom closet for the bathroom. When he returned to the table, he was wearing one of Shaq’s suits and looked visibly upset. While flapping his empty sleeves he shouted “I’m shrinking!”
If this was happening to your Pee-Paw, it would be upsetting.
But the fact that it’s happening to America’s Pee-Paw-in-Chief?
And Pee-Paw also has the nuclear codes?
That’s a lot.
To be clear, I’m not questioning the value of senior citizens. Plenty of people live vibrant, exciting and engaged lives after 80.
Indiana Jones is 81. Just last year he was punching Nazis, jumping out of airplanes and riding a horse in the subway!
Clint Eastwood is 93 and still makes his own coffee!
Dick Van Dyke is 98 and is… breathing regularly.
Sometimes age is just a number!
But sometimes, when that number gets really big, your brain needs a rest.
Forgetfulness is easy to forgive when it’s about car keys or taking out the trash.
Not so much when bombs and babies are involved.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Five Song Friday 101
“Who’s Gonna Be the GOAT?” - De Staat
I’d like to be the GOAT. But I don’t think I’m going to be the GOAT. Sigh.
“New Resolution” - Heartless Bastards
I had a whole list of things that were supposed to change in 2024. Something about sit-ups and bread being the enemy. But this song has inspired me to create some new action items that have more to do with fun stuff like dancing in public and lighting my farts on fire (in private). I’m going to grab life by the lapels and tell it to loosen up and have a drink and maybe don’t wear a suit jacket to the water park you weirdo!
“Ever See a Diver Kiss His Wife While The Bubbles Bounce About Above The Water?” -Shirley Ellis
I have never seen a diver kiss his wife while the bubbles bounce about above the water. But one time I did see a drunk guy try to fight a manatee. It did not end well.
“SAMO’” - A Certain Ratio
This 2023 song by the venerable Manchester post-punk band pays tribute to the 1980’s NYC art scene and the street poetry of Al Diaz and Jean-Michel Basquiat, who tagged the city as SAMO©. Back when I was a dumb art school student, I considered Basquiat a god. I remember looking at his paintings and feeling as if my head would explode. I started as a 17-year-old freshman the very same month that he died from a heroin overdose at 27. Today I am a dumb grown-up and his work still hits me the same way. I own a pair of socks featuring his artwork, which feels like something he would appreciate.
“Run Wild” - Twain, The Deslondes
The advice of this song is to run wild when you are young because mistakes made in your youth are not permanent unless they land you in jail or dead. It’s good advice I guess, but I was also hoping he would have some sage words for middle-aged dudes who are thinking about giving everything up for a new life as a cowboy. What’s that? [whispers to self] Go for it pardner!
“Without education, we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously.” - G.K. Chesterton