Five Song Friday: Love to Love You Baby
Episode #145: Lawless Fondling, Aussie Beards and Taco Bell Romeos
I want to show you how much I love you with things I bought with money.
That’s right, sweetheart, I traded real American dollars for assorted treasures that represent our physical, emotional and spiritual bond.
Are you ready?
First, let’s address the literal elephant in the room.
His name is Jumbo and yes, he is the biggest stuffed animal you’ve ever seen!
My feelings for you are too massive for an ordinary-sized fuzzy friend. Also, nothing says “I will never forget you” better than an enormous plush African bush elephant with a 5-foot long trunk and googly eyes the size of dinner plates.
I borrowed the neighbor’s truck to get it here. It will probably stay there in the corner because it got wet in the rain and now it’s super heavy.
Please ignore the smell, which should be gone in a week or so.
In the meantime, please enjoy these chocolates!
The plush velvet box is in the shape of a heart because an ordinary square cardboard box is for men who don’t care enough. This heart-shaped box was expensive and the more expensive something is, the more it proves how much one person loves another person.
It’s called human love math and they don’t teach it in schools. You learn it on the streets.
Yes, the chocolate inside was mass-produced in a factory, but I have it on good authority that, of the millions of confections shuffled down the assembly line and placed inside corresponding candy cubby holes by robots, this specific assortment of 24 Swiss Artisan Chocolates was deemed the MOST special and the MOST delicious.
Just like you!
Maybe don’t think about the fact that each piece is 500 calories and 42 grams of sugar and that’s like packing a musket with Fun Dip and Gobstoppers, sticking the barrel in your mouth and pulling the trigger.
Science people say sugar is more addictive than crack, so maybe don’t eat them all in one sitting. Spread it out over a few weeks. Pace yourself.
Save them for weekends and special occasions like we do with our cocaine and ketamine.
What next? Oh, not much, only a DOZEN RED ROSES!
They look and smell amazing, right? Such a powerful symbol of the unique beauty of our relationship. Fiery red to represent our passion. Fragile, but also thorny, like how you are sometimes when you don’t get enough sleep.
I know this bouquet won’t last, but that’s the nature of factory-grown, chemically treated, flash-frozen, artificially colored flowers. Their beauty is brilliant but fleeting.
Which is the exact opposite of our love, which will NOT wither and die in a week to ten days. It will last forever and ever until eternity.
Sure, I paid $99 for what will eventually become a vase of dirty water and dry sticks. Big deal. That’s what people who love other people do. It’s called romance.
You know what else is romantic? These diamond earrings!
Yeah, they’re small, but you’re always telling me “small is sexy.” And unlike regular men, I remember almost all of the words that you make with your mouth.
Not only are these twinkly little studs sexy, but the jewelry guy said they were blood diamonds… which are supposed to be the BEST diamonds!
When I asked him why they are the best, he just laughed and then I laughed and it was really quite funny. Once we caught our breath and shook out all the sillies, he grabbed my face with his hand and squeezed tight and said, “Do NOT Google it.”
It would have been scary if he didn’t wrap up by booping me on the nose and kissing my forehead. I think we’re best friends now.
I also got you this greeting card!
I got it from the store where people buy cold medicine, Q-Tips and condoms. Just a heads up: the words inside were not written by me, but I totally could have written them if I had a pen and fifteen minutes to think about it.
And just to be clear, the photo on the front of the old timey couple riding the tandem bicycle? That’s supposed to be us.
Is there more? Well we do have reservations tonight at the fancy place where they dress lobsters in tuxedos. Then afterwards, we can come home and snuggle on the couch while watching a snowy Swedish murder show.
But that’s pretty much it.
I think I covered everything…
Elephant. Chocolates. Flowers. Jewelry. Card. Lobsters. Snuggles.
Yep! Those are all the requisite things that prove, without a doubt, that I absolutely and utterly love you to bits.
Oh wait! There is one more thing!
[reaches inside chest, pulls out still beating heart]
I almost forgot this!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Five Song Friday #145
“Love Vigilantes’” - Iron & Wine
A vigilante is someone who takes the law into their own hands. Vigilantes ignore due process and dole out justice swiftly, violently and without mercy. I’m not clear exactly what a “love vigilante” would do, but my guess is that it involves a great deal of unsolicited physical affection. Like, instead of shooting muggers on the New York subway, Bernard Goetz just grabbed their butts and tried to stick his tongue in their ears? I’m not comfortable with any part of that scenario.
“How Deep Is Your Love” - Wes Reeve
I’m big enough to admit that I have a soft, nostalgic sweet spot for the Bee Gees inside my cold, black Gen X soul. Their songs were always on the radio and provided the soundtrack to my late-seventies life. I was too young to know (or care) anything about their disco-singing, beard-wearing, Australian backstory. I didn’t have a favorite Gibb brother, although if you had kidnapped me and put a gun to my head, I would have said Andy. I know he’s not an official member of the Bee Gees, but the dude was a total smoke show. Remember when he dated Victoria Principal? Back in 1981 they warned people that looking directly at the couple could cause instant blindness. Fact!
“Love Will Tear Us Apart” - Amythyst Kiah
Yes, love will tear you apart, but in a good way. It’s exhilarating and painful. Sweet and sour. Peanut butter and bananas. Honey mustard and avocado ranch. Habanero honey and cold cottage cheese. You feel me?
“Do You Love Me Now” - Shovels & Rope, Rhett Miller
It’s a pretty straightforward question. You loved me before. Do you love me now? I know this is your job and Taco Bell doesn’t want you dealing with personal business during work hours. And yes, I understand that there are 12 cars behind me in the drive-thru lane, but will you please just answer me? My parents are in the back seat if you want to say hello and I can give you this Edible Arrangement now or I can park the car and come inside.
“Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” - The Afghan Whigs
Okay, not everything. I could do with a lot less ice chewing.
“We are in the process of creating what deserves to be called the idiot culture. Not an idiot sub-culture, which every society has bubbling beneath the surface and which can provide harmless fun; but the culture itself. For the first time, the weird and the stupid and the coarse are becoming our cultural norm, even our cultural ideal.” - Carl Bernstein (Born February 14, 1944)
Thanks for reading!
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete