Five Song Friday: Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory
This Week: The Myth of Forever, Fake Science and Lady Limo Drivers
You can stop waiting for the future because it’s already here.
I’m wearing it on my head right now.
Don’t be jealous, but I’ve spent the last 48 hours wearing the new Apple Vision Pro goggles, and I have to say that you guys are in for a treat!
The Apple Vision Pro is a computer face helmet that blends science and sorcery to create a digital wonderland of pixels and sounds that seamlessly mix with your physical surroundings.
It’s called augmented reality.
What is augmented reality?
Just think of it as your normal life on steroids.
And also some LSD.
You know that boring old rectangular supercomputer you carry around in your pocket? The one with the apps and the high-speed network connection to all of the information that ever existed?
From now on, you can wear it on your face.
With these goggles, you are basically RoboCop or the Terminator, but instead of being programmed for shooting and murdering, you come pre-loaded with Apple Music and Safari.
SAFARI!
Instead of straining to watch all those differently sized screens in your life, now there are only two. And those two have been conveniently relocated inches away from your eyeballs!
If you know anything about anything, you understand that this thing literally changes EVERYTHING.
My home office can look like Batman’s Batcave and the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. I can take conference calls while strolling across the Rainbow Bridge in Asgard. I can compose emails on the surface of Mars.
After years of sitting down and typing, hunched over and staring at a screen like a stupid cave person, I am free at last to perform the most mundane daily tasks of my job in any fantastical make-believe setting I desire!
Apple calls it “spatial computing.”
I call it dope as fudge.
I control apps with my eyeballs! Surf the web by snapping my fingers and flicking my wrists. And if I want to write in all caps, all I have to do is shout at full volume.
I’m basically a GOD now.
And you can be too for only $3,500.
The process is simple.
You go to the Apple store. You tell them you want to see the future.
They lead you to the back lobby where you provide a DNA sample and fill out some paperwork.
They shave and numb the hard-wire connection site and when you wake up, you’re ready to rock and roll!
I do have two small nits to pick…
All of the promotional videos showed people taking the goggles on and off. But mine are bolted on pretty tight. Not a complaint, but it would have been nice to know this up front.
The unit gets hot when multiple tabs are open. If I want to binge episodes of Dateline while working in Excel and talking on FaceTime, it burns. Like a lot.
Other than that, I’m excited for my new reality.
The minor discomfort will take some getting used to and I miss my face, but it’s a small price to pay for such a huge leap in human evolution.
This does make us WAY better… right?
Right?
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Five Song Friday 067
“Changing” - Bay Ledges
The only constant in this world is change. Bay Ledges gets that, just as much as David Bowie or Peter Brady. Don’t get too comfortable. Don’t fall for the idea of forever. All things grow and die and decay and there’s just no way around it. In the meantime, just remember that “when it’s time to change, you’ve got to rearrange who you are and what you’re gonna be.”
“Sliced Tomatoes” - Just Brothers
Sometimes you need a little dab of classic Detroit soul to get your brain right. This particular song is also completely word free, which forces your head to shut up for a few minutes and let your booty take the wheel.
“Asc. Scorpio” - Oracle Sisters
I know what they say about astrology. It’s a sham. It’s witchcraft. It’s fake science designed to take advantage of the weak-minded who believe in the powers of the cosmos. But I have also read horoscopes that made me feel like the astrologer was watching me on hidden camera. I have read advice and predictions about my personality and my life and my hopes and dreams and deepest darkest secrets. I have read things addressed to “Sagittarius” that have shook me to core. So what I’m saying is that every once in a while, that shit works.
“You Say Ono” - The Wigs
The Wigs were a Milwaukee band that you probably remember best from their brief appearance in the 1986 film My Chauffeur. You remember My Chauffeur, right? The silly comedy about the unlikely romance between rich and handsome Sam Jones (aka Flash from Flash Gordon) and his quirky driver Deborah Foreman (aka Julie from Valley Girl)? Not ringing any bells? Maybe if I remind you that it also starred Howard Hesseman (aka Dr. Johnny Fever from WKRP) and Penn and Teller (aka Penn and Teller). Anything coming back to you? How about now?
“Someday I Will Treat You Good” - Sparklehorse
This is a love song for all of you slacker procrastinators out there just living on borrowed time until your relationship drives at full speed off a cliff. God bless you.
“This machine kills fascists.” ― Woody Guthrie