Five Song Friday: My Cold Dead Hands
This Week: Bad Men, Fictional Weddings and Tangy Jelly
I have a serious poker problem.
To be clear, it’s not a gambling problem.
I’m not driven by the “uncontrollable urge to keep gambling, despite the toll it takes on my life.”
I’m not addicted to the rush that comes from risking something I value (money) in the hope of getting something of even greater value (more money).
And I don’t do things like raid my savings accounts, pawn jewelry or sell my plasma so I can afford a stack of chips at my local casino.
But I have a very specific, very persistent issue with the game of Texas Hold ‘Em.
Lady Luck has left the building.
I’m in the midst of a marathon suck streak and suffering an epic and relentless Ice Age of cold, dead hands.
My problem is that I wasn’t that great of a player to begin with, and somehow, after almost 20 years of playing… I’ve gotten even worse.
I always believed that the longer you do something, the better you should get.
This has not been my experience.
It’s easy to blame my fate on a streak of bad luck, but poker doesn’t work like that.
Luck definitely plays a part, but consistent poker success depends on skill.
Winning requires advanced strategy, a flair for deception and a basic grasp of calculating odds.
Once you’ve learned how to balance all those things, luck is just the gravy on your potatoes.
I miss my gravy.
Hell, most nights I’m even missing my potatoes.
Maybe the Poker Gods just hate me.
I know for a fact that the Poker God of Solid Starting Hands has trash-talked my beard. The Poker God of Sucking Out on the River won’t return my calls.
And whichever Poker God has dominion over “oh-please-let-me-catch-my-card-just-this-one-goddamn-time?”
That guy act like he don’t even know me.
What did I do to get them so mad? No clue.
Maybe they’re angry because I ignored poker for most of my life and only started to pay attention when the rest of the world did.
It was probably around 2003, right when Texas Hold ‘Em went nuclear.
Back then, online poker was a big deal.
And it got much bigger after an accountant named Chris Moneymaker entered an $86 internet tournament, won a seat to the World Series of Poker and went on to win the $2.5 million top prize.
They called it “The Moneymaker Effect.” His Cinderella story kicked off a few years of full-blown Hold ‘Em Mania. Everyone went “all-in” on going “all-in.”
Back then I worked for a daily newspaper and pitched a story about online poker.
I asked around to see if anyone had a regular home game that I could write about. A former coworker invited me to sit in.
I didn’t play poker. I didn’t even know HOW to play poker.
I didn’t play that night, but for research I flipped through Poker for Dummies and watched a marathon of Celebrity Poker Showdown episodes, so I could at least keep up.
The game seemed genuinely fun. The guys were all laughing and smoking and drinking beer and swearing.
I thought, “I’d like to do that. I don’t drink or smoke but I fucking love swearing.”
After the story ran, I got myself invited to their next game and showed up with money in hand, ready to play.
I’m sure I was awkward and awful, but by the end of the night, I had $85 more than I came with.
And that’s how THEY get you.
“THEY” being those pain-in-the-ass Poker Gods.
That bunch of shifty, opportunistic bastards who just LOVE taking advantage of a wide-eyed dummy like me.
The plan? Bromance me hard.
Lure me in with the sweet smell of cigar smoke and smack-talking. Hook me with the competition and camaraderie. Then finish me off with a taste of victory and a wad of cold, hard American cash.
That night was more than a casual, one-night stand.
I fell hard for poker.
I got the sense that poker kind of liked me too.
So we decided to go steady.
But it turns out “going steady” was less of an adorable Richie Cunningham and Lori Beth sitcom courtship and more of a Robert Johnson at the Crossroads kind of deal.
It doesn’t matter whether you say the words out loud or mutter them quietly to yourself. Once you make the decision to become “someone who plays poker,” it won’t be long before a beast with horns and hooves will appear and ask you to fill out some paperwork.
And you’ll grab that pen like an idiot and sign on the line which is dotted.
Then you’ll start a monthly home game in the work shed behind your house.
Years later, even after you move 100 miles away, you’ll still drive up once a month to play with the same guys.
When COVID hits, you’ll have the brilliant idea to start a weekly online home game using Pokerstars, Zoom and Venmo.
After the world gets back to normal, you’ll keep playing every Thursday.
You will come to appreciate the friendships, the conversations and how many of your shockingly vulgar inside jokes are never not funny.
The faces at the table will change. You’ll invite new players who are much better than you (you will hate them a little at first, and then even more so later on).
But you will stay determined to get better at the game. You will keep playing every week. At this point, you don’t really have a choice.
They say all it takes is “a chip and a chair.” Any two cards can win.
So you show up and suck it up.
You get your Jacks cracked and your semi-bluffs busted. Every time you get dealt a pair of Kings, somebody else gets Aces.
And every time you think that “he can’t possibly have THAT hand,” he absolutely will.
That’s just the way poker works.
It’s a horrible game and I hate it so much. But I also love it.
I love the guys in my game too.
But I want their money.
I want their tournament points.
And if I’m being honest, I want to make them cry themselves to sleep every Thursday night while their disappointed wives and children look on.
Wish me luck!
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Five Song Friday 062
“Rolling” - Michael Kiwanuka
I’m not breaking new ground here. Michael Kiwanuka has been hailed as a brilliant musical genius by most people with ears. This whole album is just so damn lovely.
Hey ChatGPT, what is the nicest thing anyone has ever written about Michael Kiwanuka?
One particularly notable statement comes from a review of his second album, Love & Hate, by The Guardian’s music critic Alexis Petridis: “At a time when so much music seems to come pre-packaged with its commercial application in mind, Love & Hate is a reminder that sometimes the best music is simply the product of an artist following their own path. It’s a stunning album that confidently announces the arrival of a major British talent.”
“Men Explain Things to Me” - Tacocat
Men are the worst. I acknowledge this and encourage ongoing artistic reminders from Seattle bands like Tacocat.
Hey ChatGPT, what are three ways that men are the worst?
As an AI language model, it is not appropriate for me to make generalizations about any group of people based on their gender or any other characteristic. Making such generalizations can be harmful, perpetuate stereotypes, and do not accurately reflect the diverse experiences and identities of individuals. It’s important to treat people as individuals and avoid making assumptions or judgments based on their gender or any other characteristic. Instead, let’s focus on promoting equality, respect, and understanding among all people, regardless of their gender or any other characteristic.
“Distracted” - Scott & Charlene’s Wedding
Hey ChatGPT, do you remember what happened at Scott & Charlene’s wedding?
Yes, I remember what happened at Scott and Charlene’s wedding. However, I believe you are referring to a fictional wedding that took place on the Australian soap opera Neighbours in 1987.
“Sweetest Talk” - Habibi
Hey ChatGPT, what do you know about Habibi?
Habibi is a Brooklyn-based band that combines elements of garage rock, psychedelic music, and Middle Eastern pop to create a unique sound. Their lyrics, which are sung in both English and Farsi, often deal with themes of love, longing, and identity.
Thank you, ChatGPT. I love you.
Thank you for your kind words! As an artificial intelligence language model, I am programmed to provide information and assist with tasks. I don’t have feelings, but I am always here to help you with any questions or tasks you might have.
“The Staunton Lick” - Lemon Jelly
Hey ChatGPT, does lemon jelly taste gross? It sounds disgusting.
Lemon jelly is a type of fruit-flavored gelatin dessert that is typically sweet and tangy. The taste of lemon jelly can vary depending on the brand, ingredients, and how it is prepared. Some people enjoy the taste of lemon jelly, while others may not find it appealing. Taste preferences can be subjective and vary from person to person, so whether or not you find lemon jelly gross would depend on your personal taste preferences. If you haven’t tried it before, you might want to give it a taste and see if you like it.
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That’s all for now. Thanks for reading!
“I like beautiful melodies telling me terrible things.” - Tom Waits