Five Song Friday: Never Trust a Toddler
This Week: Drum Love, Dad Rock and Bald Warbling
I’m not too big to admit that I made a terrible mistake.
This week was kind of hectic, so I asked my neighbor’s kid if he could write this week’s email.
I spend a lot of time whining about grumpy old man stuff like armageddon, dangerous technology and yacht rock. Why not introduce some younger, more hopeful voices?
He’s small, but he knows lots of words and seems pretty sharp.
I’ve seen him put on velcro sneakers without help.
And if he can ride a bike, he can write an email.
So we had a quick chat last weekend while he was whacking a tree with a stick.
“Nothing too fancy,” I said. “Talk about whatever is on your mind.”
“Make a few jokes.”
“Try to end on a positive note.”
“Sound good?” I asked.
“GOOD!” he said.
He goes potty like a big boy now, so I thought this would be a simple ask.
Easy peasy, right?
Nope.
Little man bungled it BIG TIME.
Dropped the ball and completely whiffed the deadline.
Ghosted me like a chump.
I should have seen this coming after he rang my doorbell yesterday.
Since I was home alone, I had to come ALL THE WAY downstairs. I calmed the dogs and squeezed out the door so they wouldn’t escape.
Kid looks up at me with a wide smile and hands me a toy school bus.
“TRUCK,” he says.
Jesus, this is a bad sign.
I kneel down to look him square in the face and put the toy back in his hand.
“BUS. This is a BUS.”
He looks down and doesn’t say a thing.
“Shouldn’t you be back home writing?” I ask. “You know I need this to go out in the morning. Tomorrow. Right after night night.”
He blinks at me, looks down at the yellow vehicle in his hand, then pushes it back at me.
“TRUCK” he says.
Okay, I get it, he’s stalling.
He couldn't think of anything to write and just needed a short walk to clear his mind.
I’m okay with that. It’s all part of the process.
But I had to get back to work. And so did he.
I patted his head, gave him a little hand puppet wave and said, “Bye bye now. BYE BYE.”
As I locked the door, I watched while he carefully lowered himself down each of the front steps like he was scaling a wall.
On the way across my front yard, he got distracted by a butterfly.
He was still chasing it when I headed back upstairs to my office.
I should have trusted my gut at that moment and cut him loose.
I should have listened to the little voice inside me that whispered, “Never trust a toddler.”
Maybe I was naive in thinking it would all work itself out.
Maybe I overestimated his potential, his vocabulary and his ability to compose an 800-word Google doc and email it to me by morning.
Is he just a tiny idiot who can’t tell the difference between a truck and a bus?
Or am I a giant moron for thinking it matters?
Either way, he didn’t do a lick of work and I ended up having to write this whole thing.
And right now I’m stuck inside at a computer for the next 8 hours while he’s outside… shirtless, giggling and blowing bubbles in the summer grass.
Who’s the dummy now?
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Five Song Friday 076
“Don’t Wanna” - Washed Out
Drums, baby. I love them so much. That is all.
“Traveling at the Speed of Thought” - Ultramagnetic MC’s
Hip-hop unofficially turns 50 today. In lieu of cake or presents, why not take a few minutes (or all day) to bask in the genre that is a magical, musical medley of badass beats, ridiculous boasts, dope samples and even doper rhymes? Here’s some vintage 1988 Kool Keith and company to get you started.
“Monkey Stones” - Frenic
This odd little ditty by UK musical mixologist Frenic is from Dr. Dad, an album project based on samples from his father’s record collection. It answers the age-old question: Can you make an entire song using only the first 30 seconds of “Monkey Man” by The Rolling Stones?
“Dance Now” - Girl and Girl
I appreciate the message of this song because every single time I make plans to dance later, it never happens. There always seems to be something more “urgent” or “appropriate” that comes up and prevents me from keeping my appointment to shake my moneymaker. When the urge to boogie hits? You gotta scratch that thang!
“No Man’s Woman” - Sinéad O’Connor
Back in high school, I owned a cassette of Sinéad’s debut, The Lion and The Cobra. It lived inside the crappy stereo of my 1977 Dodge Ramcharger. If I gave you a ride to school, that’s what we listened to. Yes, the epic warbling and wailing of a bald Irish warrior woman wasn’t the typical start to a teenage school day, but it always made the hair on the back of my neck stand at attention. She never lost that power. RIP.
“I never sleep ’cause sleep is the cousin of death” - Nas