Five Song Friday: No News is Good News
Episode #144: Primate Politics, Scorpion Rhymes and Chest-Thumping Sidewinders
I know the world feels hopeless right now, but watching the news is not going to help anything.
You don’t have to do this.
Step down off the coffee table.
Put the remote down.
Back away from the television.
Trust me, once you hit that button, there’s no coming back.
You think as soon as the news comes on that everything is going to make sense?
You think Wolf Blitzer has this shit sorted out?
Keep dreaming.
Those TV people are just as freaked out as you, but they have a job to do. They can’t just put on sweatpants and assume the fetal position.
They have to sit there in fancy clothes and pancake makeup and pretend that this is all normal. Everything is fine. Nothing to see here.
Anderson Cooper doesn’t have answers. All he can do is talk in circles and ask other people for opinions and educated guesses.
We’re all in the same boat now.
What happens next? Did he really say that? Can he do that? How will this all turn out?
I saw Jake Tapper at Home Depot last week and asked him those exact questions and all he could do was shrug and take a long drag of his comically large joint.
At the bowling alley on Monday, Rachel Maddow wouldn’t even look at me. And we’re on the same team!
The struggle is real for the liberal media.
A friend of a friend told me that Norah O’Donnell is dealing with rage issues and “accidentally” paralyzed one of her grappling partners in jiu-jitsu.
And we all heard about Whoopi Goldberg punching that baby in Wal-Mart.
Everybody is going through it right now.
You should hand me the remote. Don’t turn on the news. There’s nothing to gain and everything to lose.
Consider your partner. Think of your family.
Look at your dogs in their big dumb eyes.
All of these people in your life prefer the version of you who doesn’t yell at the screen. They don’t like the exasperated, incredulous and gobsmacked you.
Turn on the news now and it will hook you faster than any hard drug known to man.
Crack? Heroin? Entenmann’s Crumb Coffee Cake? Forget it.
These networks are 24-hour dopamine machines who know exactly how to get you from zero to Network in no time.
My advice is stick with the headlines you read or hear accidentally. Let other people tell you what’s happening.
Let the infinitely terrible facts float around you and flirt with your consciousness instead of jamming them into your brain like a competitive eater double-fisting buns and weiners.
There are plenty of other things to do besides diving ass over tea kettle into the abyss.
If you’re like me, there’s a Jenga tower of books on your bedside table that have been collecting dust. They sit there patiently, lit by the glow from your phone, only to be ignored night after night.
Grab one and get lost in the words.
Read about the birth of the universe or the making of The Sopranos or whatever Buddhist creativity bullshit Rick Rubin is stroking his beard about.
Ignore the dings and alerts and WTF-just-happened headlines.
Go outside and look at a tree. Stare at the clouds. Or watch a bird, those crazy fuckers are everywhere.
Lift heavy things. Run until you sweat and chafe.
Meditate on your front lawn.
Just do what you need to do to avoid the doom spiral. Step off the poop-chute carousel.
Just because you have a ticket doesn’t mean you need to take the ride.
I’ve found solace in the words of Tangina, that weird little lady from Poltergeist who said, “Now clear your minds. It knows what scares you. It has from the very beginning. Don’t give it any help, it knows too much already.”
I’m not suggesting you bury your head and wait for 2028. I don’t want you to give in, give up or spend the next four years in a folding chair just watching the daily parade of cruelty, incompetence and greed.
Go get involved. Protest, donate, run for office, or leave a flaming bag of turds on the steps of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue if that will make you feel better.
But when it comes to the TV news, you don’t HAVE to watch.
“Not watching” has been thoroughly enjoyable. I find ways to stay informed without getting spun up or strung out and I still allow myself the indulgence of late-night monologues.
But when it comes to binging the breaking-news-and-talking-heads circle jerk of CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, News Nation and C-Span?
Tangina said it best, “Do NOT go into the light. Stop where you are. Turn away from it. Don’t even look at it.”
Amen.
Five Song Friday #144
“Not Enough Bonobo’” - Funke and the Two Tone Baby
For those keeping score, this is the second week in a row in which the first song had a significant shout-out to primates. I prefer to mix it up, but I could not resist the urge to share a song with the lyric, “Not enough Bonobo and too much Chimpanzee.” I’m no ape expert, but that sentiment seems fitting for today.
“Have You Ever Heard a Digital Accordion” - The Lovely Eggs
You had me at rhyming accordion, scorpion, beef bourguignon and Richard Brautigan. I’m in. I’m all the way in!
“Oregon Shore” - Hemlock Ernst, Height Keech
Wait? Seriously? I just looked this guy up and he’s the goddamn lead singer of Future Islands! The same legend who chest-thumped, sidewinded and pantomimed his way into musical Valhallah with this performance on Late Night with David Letterman. Small world!
“Summer in Paris” - Bea Parks, Garo Nahoulakian, Oliver Horton
Speaking French sounds fun!
“Marina Gasolina” - Bonde Do Role
If there are any engaged couples still looking for an incredibly poignant and romantic first dance song… you’re welcome!
“If you are pissing people off, you know you are doing something right.” - John “Johnny Rotten” Lydon (Born January 31, 1956)
Thanks for reading!
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete