Five Song Friday: Orange Crushed
Episode #133: F-Bombs, Rollercoaster Nausea and Heavy Eyelids
Guys, we’ve made a terrible mistake.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but a majority of Americans just elected a rotting orange to be the next President of the United States.
A literal piece of moldy fruit.
How is that even possible?
I’m no governmental scholar, but hasn’t almost every one of our past presidents been a real human being with arms and legs and a face?
Yep. Just Googled it.
No food.
Did anyone check the rules? Or can politicians do whatever they want now?
Sure, part of the American dream is that anybody can be president. But I assumed that “anybody” meant a natural-born citizen over 35 who studied hard their whole life and helped others and cared about making the world a better place. A leader. A role model.
I didn’t think “anybody” meant “anything.”
And definitely not some gross globoid you’d find rolling around in a supermarket dumpster.
How did over 73 million people NOT realize they were voting for a piece of garbage?
Look, I’d maybe get it if the orange was ripe and delicious-looking. If it was plump and vibrant and had a couple of adorable green leaves up top. If it was shiny and had some of those sexy dew drops like in the juice commercials.
But this is a piece of putrid produce I want nowhere near my mouth.
What we did would be funny if the consequences weren’t so serious.
Just wait until the rest of the world hears about this. We’re going to look like a bunch of total dum-dums!
England is going to LOVE this. Germany will be brutal.
And France… they’re going to be the fucking WORST. You think their jokes about American food were insufferable before?
Wait until they hear we made a piece of fruit the Leader of the Free World.
If we survive the relentless teasing from Europe, then we’ll have to start worrying about the rest of the planet.
Russia is going to love that our Commander-in-Chief won’t be able to launch a nuclear counterstrike. It’s a rotting orange that can’t even say the word “nuclear.”
China is going to party like it’s 1949.
How is this even going to work?
Will they try to pass this thing off as a person? Put a bad wig on it? Stick it in an itty-bitty fruit suit?
I’m trying to picture a spoiled orange in the Oval Office. Are they going to put it in the chair or on top of the desk?
If it gets a phone call, are they going to just hold the receiver near it and pretend that it’s having a normal human conversation?
For press conferences, do they stick it on the podium and all the reporters just stand around and pretend this is normal?
It’s a rancid orange that is incapable of answering questions. It’s a FRUIT that knows jack about shit! This thing has no heart or brain, there’s nothing inside except mushy, sour pulp and a couple of withered seeds.
I’ll never understand how 73 million did not see that.
Oh well. What’s done is done. There’s no going back now.
Let’s just hope that the orange doesn’t mess things up too bad.
In the meantime, we’re stuck with its repulsiveness.
Its portrait will hang on the walls of government buildings across the nation, like some sad, post-apocalyptic still life.
We’ll watch it on cable news for the next four years as it slowly falls apart. It will get moldier and more shriveled. It will leak and stink.
And then the flies will come.
Five Song Friday #133
“Unfuck the World” - Prophets of Rage
Yes, there’s a bit of a theme with the music this week. A little dark, but mostly defiant. And when things go sideways, the voice I always find comfort and power in is that of Mr. Chuck D. Prophets of Rage is the sassy supergroup he formed with guitarist Tom Morello and fellow rapper B-Real from Cypress Hill. This song goes hard, but there’s no better way to gird yourself for the fight for democracy than with some monster riffs and a heaping portion of F-bombs.
“The Doom Loop” - Original Mark Edwards
One of the best things I’ve done since election night is opt out of the media rollercoaster. No cable news. No social scrolling. I realized I don’t even like rollercoasters. They can be scary, violent and almost 100% of the time, I’m left feeling nauseous for the rest of the day. If anyone needs me, I’ll be binge-watching The Great British Bake-Off for the next three weeks.
“Immigrant Song” - Dread Zeppelin
Dread Zeppelin does reggae covers of Led Zeppelin songs with an Elvis impersonator as their lead singer. That’s exactly the kind of diversity that makes America great.
“All You Fascists Bound To Lose” - Resistance Revival Chorus, Rhiannon Giddens
Okay, so they didn’t lose THIS time. But according to these ladies, defeat is coming. Maybe not tomorrow or next week, but eventually. I can hold on if you can.
“Rebellion (Lies)” - Arcade Fire
I’ll leave you with this… “Sleeping is giving in / No matter what the time is / Sleeping is giving in / So lift those heavy eyelids.” Wake up, people. Time to go to work
“No man knows till he has suffered from the night how sweet and dear to his heart and eye the morning can be.” - Bram Stoker (Born November 8, 1847)
Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete