Five Song Friday RERUN: My Get Up is Gone
This Week: Face Zippers, Open-Minded MeeMaws and Motivational Twerking
I used to bound out of bed every morning like a goddamned gazelle.
Shot from a cannon like some kind of good morning superhero.
But the script has been flipped. My zip is more zilch.
And I do not like it even a little bit.
I can still remember the energetic old days.
I sang in the shower. Played air guitar. Choreography and the whole nine yards.
Lathered, rinsed and repeated like I was live at the Hollywood Bowl.
“Make some noise for me Los Angeles!”
Getting dressed was an eighties movie montage. Pop songs. Quick cuts. Funny hats.
A sassy wink and double finger guns into the mirror when I finally nailed my look.
Then I was out the door like a whirling dervish, opening credits Mary Tyler Moore, all spins and smiles as I faced the big, bad world with pluck, spunk and all caps ENTHUSIASM.
Give me your best shot Monday! I’m not scared!
I double dog dare you to try and slow me down!
These days, getting out of bed is more like moving a corpse.
I am a normal size person who just murdered an NBA player and have to dispose of the body by myself.
There’s no way these legs are going to fit in my trunk. How can someone so skinny be so heavy. Why is he slippery?
I used to take stairs two at time. I could jump from several feet without incident.
But today, getting out of bed is the wall and I am Lisa Eilbacher from An Officer and a Gentleman.
And I have no Richard Gere shouting at me to “PULL YOURSELF OVER.”
I’m more like Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket and R. Lee Ermey is screaming at me to “GET THE EFF OFF” his obstacle.
Except he doesn’t use “EFF,” he shouts “fuck” and is super mean about it.
What I’m saying is that getting up and out of bed is way harder than it used to be.
Like booting up an old computer. Or starting one of those old timey cars that you crank by hand.
Sometimes I lie there and imagine myself outside of myself.
Like I’m calling the shots from a control booth. An omniscient director with a headset and a wall of monitors.
The red light is on and we’re filming another episode of “Jesus Christ, Is It 7am AGAIN?”
This show is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
[APPLAUSE]
“Camera one, close up on the eyes.”
“Cue alarm.”
One lid opens like a stubborn, sticky window.
“Throw to eyelid two.”
Same deal.
I swat at my phone to shut it up. But I need to put on my reading glasses to hit the right button.
[LAUGHTER]
I sink my fists into the memory foam and force my torso upright with a sloppy fake push-up.
Cue the lightning and thunder. “It’s ALIVE!” My body lurches sideways and all sorts of sounds come from my insides.
First, a chorus of cracks and pops. Old tree limbs in the wind. Glaciers cleaving in half.
Then, with every step, my mouth makes noises. Guttural nonsense. The sounds of a sumo match played back at half speed.
A vintage episode of Wrestlemania on VHS just as the machine eats the tape.
Muffled grunts and moans. Sharp barks. A bad actor improvising a scene to the audience prompt “sunburned old man walking on hot lava.”
I wish I was kidding.
But at this point, I’m up. I did it.
[APPLAUSE]
“Follow him to the bathroom.”
I am a mummy relearning how to walk after 5000 years.
Bare feet slap on hardwood floor. Hold the wall for balance.
I got this! Make way for the stumblebum!
I catch a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror. Oof.
(This next line is delivered like Jerry Seinfeld greeting his postman nemesis)
Hello… MORNING.
[LAUGHTER. APPLAUSE.]
“Throw to commercial.”
“Great job everybody. That’s a wrap. We’ll see all of you back here tomorrow.”
[GROANS]
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Five Song Friday 098
“Tv Movie” - Sex Mask
Be careful if you Google this band. Be sure to include the words “song” and “music” and “NO gross stuff,” otherwise, oh boy. Some people. I’m not passing judgment. I’m just wondering if you really need all those face zippers.
“Hatchet” - Langkamer
This song is about growing old and not having enough time to read all the books you want to read. In other words, it’s about my fourth greatest fear. The one that comes right before “snake-filled sleeping bag,” but just after “porta potty accident.”
“Give Your Love” - Da Break
Awful things are afoot in this world. So many people have lost hope. Will the fighting ever end? Is our environment doomed? Does Trump have syphilis? We could all use a little positivity in our day, so here is a delightful 3-minute ditty about sharing love and being funky. You are welcome!
“Shake It Down’” - C Turtle
I feel like I need to warn people that there are some screamy parts in this song just in case you listen early on a Sunday morning over tea and toast. It’s best to avoid if you’re feeling more lite jazz than indie London lo fi. Your older relatives and small animals may not enjoy it. But maybe they will. Who am I to say? You could have a very open-minded MeeMaw. Maybe your Yorkie likes to get its ya-yas out with some crunchy guitar. Forget I said anything. You do you.
“Get Up Get Out” - Born Dirty, jstlbby
If you’re okay with swear words and hyper-aggressive positivity, then say hello to your brand new jam. Think of it as a version of Stuart Smalley saying, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me” that you can twerk to. Do I love this song so, so much? You bet I do.
“After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say I want to see the manager.” -William S. Burroughs