Five Song Friday: Send in the Clowns
Episode #151: Scream Talkers, Road Kill, and Cookie Lust
Hey friend, let’s turn that frown upside down.
I know everyone is upset about “the nonsense” right now.
It’s a bummer watching democracy get drawn and quartered while your investments are melted down for scrap.
Innocent citizens are getting “disappeared” and valuable public services have been gutted.
Yes, disaster is imminent. Everyone who has been dreaming about post-apocalyptic anarchy since The Road Warrior? You fished your wish!
I figure it’s only a matter of months before our enemies smell blood in the water and pull a Red Dawn while we’re all arguing about drag queens and the price of eggs (for those keeping score at home, that’s TWO 80s movie references in the same number of paragraphs).
Even more likely? Some DOGE douche shuts off the power to the containment unit that holds the world’s deadliest viruses, letting them loose on an unsuspecting planet like that scene in Ghostbusters (hat trick!).
Oh well. America had a good run. One way to deal is by doom-scrolling and ugly-crying until you run out of tears and snot.
But sometimes the best way to cope with a difficult situation is with laughter.
Filled with existential dread? A snicker will set you at ease!
Stuck in the fetal position? Giggle yourself back into verticality!
Science people say laughter releases the same positive chemicals as hard drugs or sexual intercourse. So if you’re looking for a free and easy way to supplement the rush you get from coke-fueled orgies, chuckle up buttercup!
Laugh like nobody’s watching. Laugh like your life depends on it.
If you’re thinking, great, I’ll just sit on the couch and tickle myself into a state of euphoria.
Sorry, no. Humans lost the ability to self-tickle back in prehistoric times. You’ll have to find other ways.
I watch YouTube videos of people falling down their front steps. You may prefer cats get startled by cucumbers (those idiots think the cucumbers are snakes) .
I listen to audiobook versions of Three Stooges episodes.
You might prefer bootleg video tapes of backyard clown fights.
Whatever your favorite flavor of funny, desperate times like these demand we get out of our comedy comfort zones. Leave no silly stone unturned.
Try pranks. Put some fake dog poop on the conveyor when you’re checking out at the supermarket. Pretend to have a heart attack at Chipotle. Drive the wrong way on the interstate while wearing a funny wig and google-eye glasses.
Swear like a sailor. Nothing is funnier than dropping f-bombs and c-words in places like the pharmacy, your child’s school or on a work Zoom call.
Take an improv class. Learn how to mildly entertain a dozen people by pretending to be Abe Lincoln on a Tinder date or an alien who can only speak in fart noises. Use your entire body acting out hilarious scenarios like “pastor needs to pee while giving a sermon,” “slow motion disco dance contest,” and “cat startled by cucumber.”
If all else fails, get you some jokes.
Because sometimes the only way to get past a terrible situation is to laugh yourself through it.
Here are some fresh ones to get you started…
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
ICE
ICE who?
ICE see your visa has expired so we are here to send you to a prison in El Salvador.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To set the Tesla on fire.
What did the Fox News reporter say to the President’s butt hole?
Hell-loooo gorgeous! (smooching noises)
What do you call the imported fruity spread that now costs 120% more at the grocery store?
Tariff-ic jam.
Did you hear about the Yemen war plans accidentally texted to a journalist on the chat app Signal?
Yeah, that was messed up.
Why doesn’t RFK Jr. believe in vaccines?
Because he’s terrible.
What has six legs, three chins and zero empathy?
Donald Trump in a chair.
Yo MAGA is so dumb, he thinks he discovered the word “groceries.”
Yo MAGA is so fat, he takes selfies with Google Earth.
Yo MAGA is so old, he will be dead soon.
Five Song Friday #151
“I Don’t Smoke” - Kenny Gray
You know those people. The “only smoke when I drink” people. Those people who live life on the straight and narrow until the lights go down and the Kenny Chesney comes on. They are whoopers, shot drinkers, scream-talkers. They live life on the edge, if the edge was a curb covered with puke that smells of vodka and nachos. Those people exist. You’ve seen them. Maybe you are one of them. If so, please don’t offer to high-five me when I’m trying to get to the bathroom. Thank you.
“Life Is A Motorway” - Welly
Life is a lot of things. I guess you could say it’s a motorway because it’s long and winding and it has potholes and sometimes dead animals. When we’re on it, we constantly ask, “Are we there yet?” We get mad at other people for not driving right. Sometimes we get sleepy and crash into a tree. Yes sir, that’s life alright!
“Speeddance” - Reptile Youth
If you’re young enough to be able to speed-dance, go for it. Enjoy yourself. Be safe. Personally, I don’t understand the hurry and would never risk running out of steam halfway into a song. You don’t get to be my age without understanding the importance of pacing. Slow and steady wins the race. It also prevents lower back injury.
“CRUISING TO SELF SOOTHE” - Ecca Vandal
It’s been a long week. Self-soothing sounds like a fine idea right about now. You hear that, box of Girl Scout Cookies in the pantry? I’M COMING FOR YOU.
“All I Need” - Maribou State, Andreya Triana
Sometimes all you need is the love of another person who loves you back. But sometimes you need that person AND a sandwich. Not to diminish the whole soul-mate, love thing, but there’s nothing like a great sandwich.
“You don’t have to think about doing the right thing. If you’re for the right thing, then you do it without thinking.” - Maya Angelou (Born April 4, 1928)
Thanks for reading!
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete