Five Song Friday: Talkin' Bout a Resolution
Episode #140: Time Machines, Stranger Selfies and Gravy Confessions
You want the secret to keeping your New Year’s resolutions?
Get someone to hold you accountable.
Sure, you could ask your partner or a friend. Any family member or colleague would work fine, I guess. But the problem with real people is that they have the potential to let you down.
The last thing you need is another flawed human being watching your back.
That’s why I recommend Ceramic Celebrity Egg Headz®.
After making and breaking resolutions for decades, nothing has worked better to keep me on track than these handcrafted, amazingly lifelike little motivators.
How do they work? Simply place them in conspicuous areas around your home (or wherever you need a reminder) and go about your business. That’s it!
Trust the process and you’ll be amazed by the results.
Apologies if I sound like a pitch man right now. Yes, I am a loyal customer who receives a 15% discount in exchange for “occasional light promotion.” But even if I wasn’t saving a dime, I’d be singing their praises from the rooftops.
Ceramic Celebrity Egg Headz® are a miracle.
My washboard abs would not exist without Fat Joe (pictured above).
Last January, when I made the promise to myself to get in “Marvel movie shape,” I had high hopes. But my sit ups regimen lasted only two weeks before I went back to mindlessly dunking donuts in pudding and ordering footlong butter and mayonnaise subs from Wawa.
I even kept a bottle of ranch dressing in my desk drawer and sipped it from a coffee cup while working. My rock bottom came when the CFO asked about my milky white mustache on a Zoom call.
There’s no easy way to bounce back from that.
My fitness resolution was dead and I’d accepted defeat. But just before I clicked “Buy” on a bulk order of XXL sweatpants from Temu, something caught my eye.
Fat Joe looked back at me from the “You May Also Like” section of the website.
His eyes said, “Don’t give up. You can do this!”
I wasn’t even a fan of the Latino rapper who lit up the charts in the early 2000s with hits like “Lean Back” and “Make It Rain.”
But the look on his face showed that he was a fan of mine.
I added to cart. Temu shipped. And the rest is history.
Since he arrived, my garage workouts have been inspired. He sits on a nearby shelf and encourages me to squeeze out those final reps. His glossy glazed mug helps me push through the pain to realize massive gains.
Inside the house, he stands guard in the fridge to keep my diet in check.
He can’t actually talk, but if I reach for a slice of late night pecan pie, I hear his voice loud and clear in my head: “DON’T DO IT HOMIE! THINK OF THE CALORIES DOG!”
He “speaks” to me constantly, reminding me to keep the promise I made to myself.
At night, he’s there on my bedside table whispering words of encouragement and tough love as I drift off to sleep. Do I wish he would use less profanity and refrain from using the n-word? Of course.
But he curses because he cares.
My Fat Joe may be an inanimate “work of art” from China, but he changed my life and significantly reduced my waistline. He’s always been there for me and he can always be there for you too.
If you don’t want or need a foul-mouthed Puerto Rican rapper from the Bronx? He’s got friends.
You want to quit smoking? The Yul Brynner Ceramic Celebrity Egg Headz® can help.
Just try lighting up while the 5-pack-a-day, lung-cancer-addled star of The King and I stares you down. It’s impossible!
You want to get better with money? Go for the Jeff Bezos.
Looking all day at his dumb billionaire face will motivate you to get your finances shaped up in no time.
The list goes on and on, with a Ceramic Celebrity Egg Headz® to fit any need.
There’s a Vin Diesel for your car dashboard. A Stanley Tucci for your kitchen counter. And a Dalai Lama for your meditation room.
Keeping those New Year promises to yourself isn’t easy, but it’s less hard if you ask for help. Anything is possible when you partner up.
This year, instead of asking the people who like (and maybe even LOVE) you, why not just invest in a piece of pottery that looks like somebody famous?
And it would be super helpful if you could use the promo code 5SONGFRIDAY when ordering.
Thanks and good luck!
Five Song Friday #140
“Motorin’” - The Saturday Knights
Here’s some catchy Seattle hip-hop from 2008. You remember 2008, right? It was the year Iron Man kicked off the Marvel Universe, Breaking Bad debuted and Barack Obama was elected president. It was a good year for good things that didn’t make us sad and worried all the time. If you’d like to join me in returning there, please contribute to my Pete Builds a Time Machine GoFundMe.
“I Wanna Be Famous” - Scorpio Loon
The more I hear about being famous, the less interested I am. It sounds like a hassle and frankly, more trouble than it’s worth. Why would I want to trade my ability to walk through this world anonymously judging others for the constant chaos of millions of screaming fans wanting to get close to me? I have better things to do than to spend hours signing things (and people) with Sharpies and taking selfies with strangers. It’s already hard enough to get through the airport. Can I just eat my nachos in peace?
“Bad Dream” - Paul Simon, Edie Brickell
You can go ahead and call these Paul Simon’s twilight years. It’s not mean if it’s true. Dude is 83 years old. He’s already activated “the Robert Plant protocol,” which is when a legendary older musician teams up with a younger female musician to create some soft, country-twinged folk ballads. Simon adds a twist by recruiting his wife, Edie Brickell, so they don’t have to leave the house. I know it sounds like I’m being an asshole, but honestly, I’m here for it.
“Dear Diary” - The Alright Alrights
I never had a diary, but I’ve been writing pseudo journal entries in my Google Docs for years. If you hacked into my computer, you could read pages and pages of me just asking myself questions and listing all the crap I should be doing. Sometimes I mention the weather or a movie I watched or somebody who just died. In terms of deep dark secrets and soul-baring confessions? It’s kind of light. But if you’re looking for the Infinite Jest of negative self-talk and way too many gravy references, my personal writing folder may be your jam.
“This Will Be Our Year” - The Zombies
Let’s end this one on a positive note. I had a few doomsday conversations over the holiday break, but a little part of me wants to think that God has an uplifting M. Night Shyamalan twist in store for us in 2025. Maybe the darkness we’re fearing is all overblown and things will be fine and dandy and sweller than hell. Fingers crossed! See you on the other side!
“When I was young, I believed in three things: Marxism, the redemptive power of cinema, and dynamite. Now I just believe in dynamite.” - Sergio Leone (Born January 3, 1929)
Thanks for reading!
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete