Five Song Friday: Thank You for Everything
Episode #135: Phone Scams, Rabbit Holes and Hand Clap Kryptonite
I wish to thank the Universe for the things it has bestowed upon me.
My therapist says that gratitude left unexpressed can fester and spoil.
He said it can mutate and grow inside of you and become something deadlier than cancer, which makes no sense but he’s the doctor so whatever.
This is an agnostic list. My thanks are not directed at any specific deity. Feel free to imagine whatever god you call God. It is not my place to judge.
But if you asked me who I’m picturing in my head as I write this? Probably Denzel.
Thank you for my family and my friends and the roof over my head, even though every week some guy rings my doorbell and says my “shingle edges are curling” and he can fix it with three easy payments of one million dollars.
Thank you for my good health [uses air quotes] and positive mental attitude. [makes jerking off gesture] I am grateful to be living my best life! [mouths the words ‘help me’]
Thank you for toast with butter and avocado and everything bagel seasoning. If you need to kill me suddenly, please do so immediately after I eat one of those. I’d clutch my chest and go Oh NO! But also, YUM!
Thank you for sunrises, because without them I would continue to lie awake in the dark, running my brain in circles by replaying awkward conversations I’ve had with strangers.
Thank you for not letting “baby food as toothpaste” become a thing.
Thank you for making most television shows just good enough to keep us watching for hours and hours on end, but not good enough to inspire us to become better people who are compelled to act in service of our community. I don’t need that kind of pressure.
Thank you for not making sink disposals strong enough to grind human bones to dust because man oh man, so many more people would get away with murder.
Thank you for allowing me to work remotely because I’ve always dreamed of a time when I could sit at home for hours and days on end and act on the urge to eat carbs every 35 minutes. I have a soft middle now!
Thank you for internet videos of people falling down. I am greatly amused by the pain of strangers. Stairs are hard!
Thank you for climate change because the old climate was getting BORRR-RING!
Thank you for those four-legged dog robots because I’ve always wondered how human civilization would end and now I know.
Thank you for reminding me how beautiful nature can be by helping me notice the small things like rays of morning light through my kitchen windows or the abs of Lenny Kravitz.
Thank you for coffee because GOD DAMMIT THIS STUFF IS DELICIOUS!
Thank you for being a friend. You’re a pal and a confidant.
Thank you for powerful and inspiring songs that remind me of when I was a young man full of hopes and dreams and anything was possible. I’m looking at you Ace of Base!
Thank you for certain vegetables and most fruits. Dairy can fuck off.
Thank you for reminding me of my own mortality by sometimes giving me sharp neck pains when I put on a t-shirt too quickly. Message received! Seizing the day!
Thank you for the laughter of children, which is so much nicer than their screams of terror.
Thank you for the soft, floppy ears of puppies, which are perfect for rubbing and snuggling and (allegedly) delicious when deep fried and served with a creamy honey mustard sauce. I said allegedly!
Thank you for heavy things because without them my wife would not have much use for me.
Thank you for giving me the power of flight in my dreams. And not to sound ungrateful, but why am I always without pants? Again, I really appreciate the ability to soar over buildings and dance among the clouds, but being naked from the waist down makes it weird and inappropriate.
Thank you for sometimes making me forget that I already took a pill I was supposed to take so that I could swallow another one. Bonus medicine!
Thank you for giving me an inner voice who’s an insufferable asshole instead of an enthusiastic and positive cheerleader, otherwise I’d be walking around all day smiling like an insane person.
Thank you for mild salsa, because I don’t always need to set my mouth on fire with Carolina Reapers or Trinidad Scorpion Peppers. Sometimes all I want is a jar of chunky tomato water.
Thank you for helping me realize long ago that hair is just a way for shampoo companies and barbers to steal my money. Hey Vidal Sassoon! Get stuffed!
Thank you for not making me a half man, half manatee thing because how would that even work?
Thank you for giving me more socks than I could possibly wear in my lifetime. Not to brag, but I have at least 25 pairs (not counting singles). Hashtag blessed! Hashtag toasty toes! Hashtag totally bragging!
Thank you for my beard, which has become my closest and dearest companion. He listens to me when I’m down, encourages me to be a better person and loves sharing things like mayonnaise and queso. Yes, you can pet him!
Thank you for giving me so much to be thankful for even though I have been sitting here for 15 minutes trying to think of the next thing to be thankful for.
Oh! Thank you for THOSE! [points to bananas]
Five Song Friday #135
“Amplifier” - The dB’s
I like to imagine that the dB’s were all standing around wondering what to sing about and one guy said, “Let’s sing about this electric box where the sounds come out.” Everybody laughed except for this other guy who got super serious and said, “That’s crazy enough that it just might work!” And it did.
“Ya Ya Power” - KingupingU
I’m not going to pretend I understand this song. If you offered me $20 to correctly pronounce the name of this band? You would still have that $20. What I can tell you is that I have a soft spot for hand claps. Hand claps in songs are my Kryptonite. But keep in mind that it doesn’t work in real life. Like, if you wanted to drain me of my powers and make me all drowsy and whatnot? Applauding does nothing. But you are welcome to give it a shot anyway. I’m always looking for an excuse to bow.
“88 Vibes” - Masia One
I got a call the other day from an 888-888-8888 phone number but didn’t answer. It seemed suspicious. Who has a phone number that is basically just one number? Personal injury lawyers. Timeshare salespeople. Organ thieves. I know better than to pick up on a call like that. You want to fool me? You have throw in at least a few different numbers. And make it show up on my phone with a regular person’s name like “John.” I know lots of Johns. I might pick up if I think it’s one of the Johns I know. But I’m still not giving you one of my kidneys.
“Trendy (Yes It’s Trendy, Oh It’s Sooo Damn Trendy to Be Cool. Yes It’s Trendy. Oh It’s So Damn Trendy to Be You)” - niko+, Clans
I like to pretend that I’m better than social media. I agree that all of these apps make us worse people. Shallower people. I believe that we have done irreparable harm to our children. I hear a song like this and I’ll say, “Preach brother!” But I will also doom scroll until my eyes roll back into my head. I will tumble down a Reels rabbit hole and get drunk on 20-second clips of talk shows and nut shots. I will say it’s dumb and bad and I can stop any time but not right now. Not until I find out why Matt Damon is laughing so hard.
“You Can’t Lose” - The Knux
“You can’t lose if you ain’t playing at all.” Which is exactly how I feel about golf and pickleball.
“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.” - Rodney Dangerfield (Born November 22, 1921)
Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete