Five Song Friday: The Curse of Black Friday
This Week: Whiny Mumbles, Liberal Ladies and Circus Murder
We love buying stuff we don’t need and sharing that useless crap with others.
But our habit has become an addiction that is killing the world and smothering humanity.
Therefore, the only way to get our planet (and ourselves) back in balance is by wholeheartedly rejecting the urge to spend, shop and consume.
Just kidding!
Shopping is awesome and I DARE you to find a better way to spend $20 than lightsaber chopsticks.
I bet you thought this was going to be one of those holier-than-thou rants against the evils of consumerism.
You probably assumed I was going to funnel all of my anti-capitalist rage into a finger-wagging shamefest and end with a humdinger like, “Don’t BUY gifts this year. Instead, use that money to DO something truly meaningful in the name of the ones you love.”
Nope!
I can’t think of anything more meaningful than a Ghostbusters Ghost Trap Incense Burner.
Who you gonna call? I know I’m going to call whoever came up with the idea to combine 80’s movie nostalgia with my love for making my room reek of smoky patchouli… to say THANK YOU HERO!
What am I going to do with a 2-foot tall boat replica of the Black Pearl from Pirates of the Caribbean? I’m going to gaze upon it with mine eyes every day and thank the heavens that it exists inside my house.
Do I NEED a life-size Endgame Nano Gauntlet? Probably not. But somebody does. And until I find that person, it will stay here inside my backlit trophy case.
Yes, our current diet of stuff is unsustainable. Yes, I know that the sheer tonnage of plastic waste will eventually bury us under a tsunami of tchotchkes and trinkets, but what a way to go!
I can’t imagine a better fate than being crushed by the weight of a massive pre-Christmas Amazon delivery. Buried in boxes full of Rick & Morty slankets, Thor’s hammer bottle openers and ironic adult coloring books? Yes please.
Tragic? Perhaps. But also awesome.
It could happen like this…
One morning, the doorbell rings. I shuffle downstairs in a half-awake state.
I open the door to a looming wall of cardboard half-smiles. My heart swells with pride and a sense of accomplishment.
But then I get woozy. My body goes limp and I stumble forward into the stack so perfectly that the Jenga tower of assorted brown squares caves in on itself.
I awaken pinned beneath the awesome weight of my all-night, online shopping binge. I’m barely able to wriggle myself some breathing room.
I can move one hand, so I try to reach the utility knife in my pocket to start hacking my way through the cardboard and bubble wrap to find daylight.
But there are too many boxes of things I needed to have. Too many deals that could not be denied. And the small knife proves useless against packages of cast iron Pokemon cookware and realistic-looking Mandalorian cos-play armor.
None of my neighbors hear my cries for help. My family is away, shopping the outlets for at least the next four days. I’m going to have to hack off my own arm.
The blade is rusty and this is going to hurt. But I have no choice if I want to live.
The good news?
I know at least one of the boxes has a 3D-printed cybernetic arm I ordered from Etsy.
Happy Black Friday. Let’s be careful out there.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Five Song Friday 040
“Over and over Again (Lost and Found)” - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
This song made me so happy when it came out in 2005. It still does.
It’s a delightful tune that I hope fills your life with a dollop of joy in these difficult times. But if the whiny, mumble-ness of it rubs you the wrong way? I get that too.
Not everybody digs the David Byrne-on-a-double-dose-of-Benadryl sound.
“Door” - Nice as Fuck
Nice as Fuck. What else would you name an all-female indie supergroup that made its debut at a fundraiser for Bernie Sanders?
LLL Cool B? (Left-Leaning Ladies Love Cool Bernie)
The Estrogen & Socialism Experience? Fair Wage Females?
I could go on, but I have the feeling that if I do, I’m going to dig myself a hole that will be impossible to get out of.
“El Rey y Yo” - Los Angeles Negros
If you can ignore the fact that this South American band has an unfortunate-sounding name before translation (Los Angeles Negros = The Black Angels), you’ll be rewarded with a quirky, late-sixties gem that would absolutely kill it at karaoke night.
I haven’t bothered to translate to figure out what these guys are singing about, and it doesn’t really matter to me.
Once you hear that goofy calliope carnival intro, one of two things is about to happen…
Either you’re going to get two minutes of campy Chilean pop music, or… you’re about to be murdered by a clown.
“Cherry Lips” - Archie Bronson Outfit
This song comes from an album called Derdang Derdang.
It’s a bang-on proper rock song about lips.
I trust that no further explanation is required.
“Hardcase” - Hoodzy
What do I like most about this song from the New Zealand rapper? No swear words.
Look, I’m no prude. I probably like swear words in songs more than most, but some female rappers these days can be… extra salty. It took me months to muster the courage to listen to “WAP” and I still had to bail after about a minute.
So it’s refreshing to hear a young woman get her rhyme on without dropping lines that make me feel like I just walk into the ladies restroom by mistake.
Listen on Spotify
Listen on YouTube Music
That’s all for now. Thanks for reading!
“Virtually every writer I know would rather be a musician.” - Kurt Vonnegut