Five Song Friday: The Heat of the Moment
This Week: Ambitious Limbs, Turf Wars and Poultry Matryoshka
Do you feel that overwhelming burning sensation?
According to the science people, this July 4th was the hottest day on the planet… ever.
It’s a record they all agree will be broken, if it hasn’t been cracked already.
These science people also believe our hot streak is thanks to global warming.
But what if it’s something else?
What if the sun is in heat and leaning in like some kind of creepo, trying to French kiss the Earth with a million-degrees of fiery tongue?
(Back off sun! We’re not that kind of planet.)
What if irregularities inside the Earth’s molten core have triggered a sort of worldwide menopause, complete with hot flashes that are slow-roasting us from Delhi to Detroit?
(Night sweats? Check. Mood swings? Double check!)
Maybe during all the global strife and armed conflict, some dumb country launched a stupid missile that accidentally blew up the Earth’s brand new Google Nest Thermostat?
(This is why we can’t have nice things.)
While all of those explanations sound plausible, the evidence points to an absolute worst-case scenario… Al Gore was right.
The sky really IS falling.
Sure, after watching An Inconvenient Truth, lots of people rubbed his tummy and called him a “good boy.” We felt bad about the whole election thing and understood he needed a win.
But we should have felt compelled to take action immediately. We should have rushed out of the theater, rolled up our sleeves and started setting things right!
And the 28 people who saw it in the theater probably did.
Unfortunately, in 2006, the rest of us were busy going apeshit over Little Miss Sunshine.
We were laugh-crying at Borat and cheering for Keith Richards as he swashed buckles in the Pirates of the Caribbean sequel.
A cautionary tale about possible (and highly likely) future catastrophes was a tough sell.
We couldn’t handle the idea that everything would go off the rails in 10 years.
America wasn’t ready for a spot-on documentary about where our country was headed.
If we were, then Idiocracy would have made more than $444,093 at the box-office.
Our bad.
Now we get to stand around being all sweaty and cranky.
My outside trash cans smell like a serial killer’s apartment.
And just walking to my car leaves me feeling like Chris Christie’s tank-top Spanks.
I make jokes, but you guys… this is BAD.
I’m seeing headlines asking if the Earth is getting too hot for the human body!
Our planet is heating up faster than anytime in history.
One shocking study predicts that by 2035, the average global temperature will be “pre-1992 McDonald’s coffee.”
By 2040, microwave popcorn will just be called “popcorn.”
And if you’re (un)lucky enough to make it 2085?
I hope you like bacon, because everything and everybody will look just like it… and NOT in a good way.
So what can we do about all this?
Not a thing.
We’re all just wieners on the grill, trying not to fall through the grate.
My advice?
Live it up. Enjoy the burn.
And take comfort from this headline by The Scientific American:
“This Hot Summer Is One of the Coolest of the Rest of Our Lives”
The COOLEST summer of our lives!?
Alright, alright, alright.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Five Song Friday 071
“This Disorder” - The Features
This disorder is called restless leg syndrome and it is 100% real. My left leg is perfectly content, but my right? It wants MORE.
“1998” - ego apartment
For some people, 1998 is all about Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton. Others remember when France beat Brazil in the FIFA World Cup. But we all know that the most significant thing to happen that year was the Sonny Bono/Frank Sinatra murder-suicide. That shit was wild.
“My Beach” - Surf Punks
Summer just wouldn’t be summer without a little locals versus tourists anonymity and threats of potential violence. I know your money helps fuel our visitor-based economy, but that doesn’t make me not hate your face. Scram!
“Opendoors” - Jitwam
I don’t know when musicians stopped caring about spacing. Maybe it was talked about in the meeting when they decided that all caps and all lowercase was an acceptable way to present song titles. I want to be mad, but I guess art will be art!
“W.F.L.” - Happy Mondays
I’m constantly discovering new/old songs from these Manchester legends. Happy Mondays is the gift that keeps on giving. Kind of, or rather EXACTLY, like a turducken.
“The heat is on (burnin', burnin', burnin') / It's on the street (woo-hoo) / The heat is... on” - Glenn Frey