Five Song Friday: The Not-So-Greatest Show on Earth
Episode #142: Corn Teeth, Drug Wars and Word Crimes
Donald Trump’s second inauguration could have been amazing.
This country could have had its mind blown with a spectacle of unparalleled grandeur and full-throttle American badassery. We could have been a nation united by thrills, chills and fountains of hot cheese.
But we’ll never see a running of the bulls down Pennsylvania Avenue because SOME people can’t see the genius for the trees.
I submitted a proposal last summer when it was clear that Trump had victory by the giblets. It made it through all the right channels and onto the desks of all the right people.
Thanks, but no thanks, they said.
As it stands, January 20th will be another boring swearing-in, swaddled in pomp and circumstance with the occasional fist-pump and some country dingleberry murdering the national anthem.
It could have been swaddled in a dozen motorcycles crashing through a flaming border wall. Flyovers by the New Jersey Drone Squadron. A performance by RFK and his Amazing Dancing Baby Bears.
But no. No thanks. Go sell your brilliant visionary plan somewhere else, they said.
Sure, you could make the argument that I was too ambitious and idealistic.
Or maybe THEY were too narrow-minded and cowardly.
Trump’s team talked a big game on the campaign trail, but now that they’re in power, they don’t want to ruffle any feathers? They want to play it SAFE?
What is this? Biden 3.0?
Did the “grab them by the P-word” guy just get possessed by the ghost of Mike Dukakis?
I’m sorry, but the Donald I watched this year would have been giddy at the idea of a parade led by Kid Rock in a top hat and tails, dancing with patriotic strippers on top of a garbage truck to his 1999 smash hit, “Bawitdaba.”
THAT is how you kick off an inauguration.
Which would you rather have? A lady poet talking nonsense like, “the new dawn blooms as we free it, for there is always light if only we’re brave enough to see it, if only we’re brave enough to be it.”
Or a lyrical genius from Detroit spitting solid gold like, “Bawitdaba, da-bang, da-bang, diggy-diggy-diggy / Said the boogie, said up jump the boogie”?
Inauguration Day sets the tone for the next four years. If Trump wants to be remembered, he needs to go BIG. Shock and awe. Double finger-guns blazing.
That’s why I told his team that the Trump 47 parade should “make Macy’s Thanksgiving look like a sad parking lot circus that can’t afford lions or tigers, so they put costumes on dogs and the ring leader wears mom jeans.”
I figured Trump would jump at the opportunity to upstage a New York legend. I spelled it all out for him and included all his best pals and biggest fans.
It would be a parade to end all parades. Think Macy’s and Coachella mixed with Brazil Carnival and Mardi Gras, with a side order of Mad Max: Fury Road.
My parade line-up felt like a slam dunk.
Marching bands that only play versions of “Ave Maria”
Shriners in mini Tesla Cybertrucks doing donuts and figure eights
A Fox News float inspired by The Human Centipede
Close-up magic from master illusionist Rudy Giuliani
The Elon Musk “Make It Rain” float, featuring leaf-sized piles of $20 bills and large industrial fans
A dramatic halftime show with Kevin Sorbo as Hercules in a mock battle against the Demons of the Deep State, the Antifa Cyclops and the Four Horsemen of Wokeness (BLM, LGBTQ, ACLU and DEI)
The “Big Boy Barrons,” a stilt-walker troupe of stone-faced jugglers in ill-fitting suits
And one of those water cannon riot trucks, custom-painted so it says “Liberal Tears” to hose down any left-wing troublemakers
Did I pitch any giant parade balloons? You bet your ass.
How does a massive Hulk Hogan sound? Followed by a Roseanne balloon, a taco salad balloon, a fetus, Tiffany Trump, Steve Bannon’s head and a really sexy sofa balloon (for JD Vance).
More music? Of course.
The main stage will be totally LIT with live performances from:
Carrie Underwood, debuting her new single, “USA Freedom God America Freedom (Freedom, Freedom)”
Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz with a rousing cover of “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”
The Village People playing a medley of their greatest not-at-all-gay hits including “Fire Island,” “Sodom and Gomorrah” and “Sex Over the Phone”
A moving performance from Scott Baio performing with a hologram of his former Joanie Loves Chachie co-star, Erin Moran (RIP). The same technology that brought Tupac back will leave America bedazzled by the pair’s 1982 gem, “Too Young to Know”
And of course, for the grand finale, Lee Greenwood (featuring Waka Flocka and Da Baby) bringing down the house with a funked-up rendition of “I’m Proud to Be an American,” complete with Jewish Space Laser Light Show
All that was just the first page.
I’m telling you, it would have been epic.
But if Trump wants to be boring and predictable, that’s his business.
I just figured after four years of Sleepy Joe, he might want to bring a little more excitement to the White House.
Oh well, whatever. Wake me up in 2029 and tell me how everything turned out.
Five Song Friday #142
“Floatin’” - Cool Company, Nic Hanson
You ever have those dreams where you’re walking around in the mall and you just start floating up and to keep yourself from getting stuck in the atrium like a lost balloon, you need to grab onto the sunglass kiosk? But the reverse gravity is so strong that you start lifting the kiosk off the ground and the guy is yelling at you because all the fake Guccis are spilling onto the floor? Then you realize you forgot your pants and you’re late for a job interview and all your teeth are made of corn? Me too!
“Brother” - Oh-Ok
Oh brother, am I right? Anybody here have brothers? They are just the WORST. Always telling mom the stuff you did and getting you in trouble. Always stealing your clothes and your records. And they can’t keep their grubby little hands off the hard drugs you keep in the cigar box in the closet. Don’t they know that you count all the pills and weigh each of those bags every night? They think they can pull one over on YOU? That’s why sometimes a brother got to get stabbed. And stop whining, it’s just your butt cheek you big baby.
“ManWomanBoogie” - Q-Tip, Amanda Davis
I’m not sure what Q-Tip has against spaces between words, but it’s a pretty bold artistic choice. Like when artists misspell words on purpose? Or use all lower case? Or use all caps? I love that stuff, because it’s creative and let’s people know that when it comes to the rules, you aren’t afraid to tell the Grammar Police to fuck all the way off.
“Excalibur” - Sort Sol
Go ahead and TRY to pull this sword out of the rock. I dare you. Oh yeah, you look pretty cocky right now, but you’re going to feel real stupid in a minute.
“Fond Farewell” - Seth Avett & Jessica Lee Mayfield
Here’s a cover of a very sad song from a very sad man sung in a super sad way. Try to keep it together.
“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer.” - Jim Carrey (Born January 17, 1962)
Thanks for reading!
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete