Five Song Friday: Trigger Happy Accidents
This Week: Helpfulness, Bobbleheads and Stupid Math
A bad thing happened in America again and (spoiler alert) it involved guns.
After the Kansas City Chiefs victory parade shooting incident, newscasters asked questions about the motive.
Was it planned? Was it terrorism? Why did this terrible thing happen?
Why do these terrible things KEEP happening?
Okay. Are we still doing that?
Are we still asking big, serious questions and pretending to NOT know the answers?
Guns are dangerous and people are stupid.
That’s about it.
I know that sounds like a cranky old man thing to say, but the older (and crankier) I get, the more I realize all those cranky old men were on to something.
To be honest, I haven’t read deeply about the Kansas City incident. It’s been a busy week, so I’m just going off snippets I overheard from Lester Holt and NPR.
I heard one person was killed and 22 people (including a bunch of kids) were wounded.
I understand the shooters themselves are pretty young. And I watched a shaky internet video of one of them being tackled by the crowd.
I heard the word “altercation.”
Which leads me to believe this ugly business was less the work of criminal masterminds and more just a bunch of dudes with short tempers and sidearms.
A “meet me after school in the parking lot” situation. With hints of High Noon and Reservoir Dogs.
Somebody had beef with somebody else and the best way they figured to settle it was in a crowded public place with poor marksmanship.
It doesn’t make sense in the same way that all of the shootings and murders on the evening news don’t make sense.
But all violence happens for a reason. Some switch goes off that says, “I’m going to take this knife from my pocket and put it into that guy’s chest.”
Things go sideways when people get hurt, scared or mad.
There is always a triggering (pun intended!) incident.
I used to be upset that coverage of local killing was limited to a bulleted list (pun intended!) of basic facts, B-roll of police lights and crime tape, followed by a mugshot.
But I’m glad they don’t always follow up.
Because if you think a daily cavalcade of corpses is depressing? Just wait until you hear WHY people use lethal force.
I’m not sure how many prompter reads I could handle like, “You remember that murder we told you about last week? It turns out one guy didn’t get this other guy the kind of burrito he liked. So he shot him in the face!”
“That murder-suicide? The husband was sick of watching Jeopardy.”
“Road rage shooting update: Assailant had a bad day at work and really hates Volkswagens!”
I’m kinda glad we only get the tips of these awful icebergs.
Because the “rest of the story” is even more depressing than that bloody sheet-covered body sprawled on the asphalt.
People are irrational and absurd and emotional. And dumb.
And sometimes when those dumb people get upset, the least good thing for them to have is a machine that puts holes in people.
If you are personally fond of guns, you might want to say “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”
Don’t say that.
Or do, I don’t care.
(Just remember to send me an apology when OpenAI and Glock announce their new SmartPistol partnership.)
But if it wasn’t for guns, we wouldn’t have heard anything about the incident.
If it was two guys who were really bad at punching and missed each other with every single swing and hit a bunch of women and children with haymakers?
We wouldn’t hear about it.
Because the people who were bad at punching would be besieged by other people who were very good at punching.
The grand finale would be a tsunami of fists from the husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, boyfriends, girlfriends, brothers and sisters etc.
Then if we were lucky, it would turn up on YouTube with the title, “Two Careless Idiots Who Are Super-Terrible at Punching Get Properly Pummeled by Chiefs Nation.”
Instead we get the standard “tragedy footage” from a dozen different angles with muffled pop-pop-pops and then pandemonium. People in the crowd say it sounded like fireworks. Broadcasters shake their heads and bemoan the gosh-darn tragedy of it all.
You guys, this is not going to get any better.
The Kansas City mayor looked exhausted at the microphone, but his message was pretty clear, “This is what happens with guns.”
There was a ton of security for the parade with more than 800 officers, security everywhere and eyes on roofs.
The mayor also said, “Parades. Rallies. Schools. Movies. It seems like almost nothing is safe.”
And as long as people keep packing heat… and those same people get murder-level furious over fast food orders, turn signals and bad manners?
Our forecast remains cloudy with a chance of bullets.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Five Song Friday 102
“City of Police” - Stuck
I know this seems like an angry song about law enforcement, but I believe that if you change the way you listen, it could also be a fun anthem about community service and helpfulness. It might even make a great viral video. Can you imagine different police departments lip-synching and dancing along? So cute!
“Heart It Races” - Architecture in Helsinki
You want quirky? This is like a two-foot tall Dagwood sandwich of quirky and I double-dog dare you not to bounce your skull like a dashboard bobblehead.
“Monday I Looked Like Death” -MEMES
We’ve all had those crazy weekends. Three days of debauchery and excess that leave you feeling like a hollowed shell with sunken eyes and non-stop dry heaves. Trying to recall the 72-hour blur of body parts and bright lights and maybe a three-legged dog at some point? Your mouth tastes like stale whiskey and hot and sour soup. And somebody left nachos in your bathroom. The last thing you want to see after that kind of mayhem? That smug motherfucker named Monday. I hate that guy.
“Johnny Was a Son of a Bitch’” - Magon
I heard things about Johnny, but wouldn’t go so far as to besmirch his momma.
“3,6,9” - Cat Power
I’m allergic to math and avoided this song for years because I thought it was going to try and teach me the times tables or something equally annoying. Good news! It’s not about stupid math! It’s really fun and talks about monkeys and wine!
“Don’t cling to fame. You’re just borrowing it. It’s like money. You’re going to die, and somebody else is going to get it.” - Sonny Bono (Born Feb 16, 1935)