Five Song Friday: True Tales of Horror
This Week: Funky Bangers, Youthful Rage and Existential Holes
Americans love to get fake scared.
And the spooky season has become more lucrative than ever.
This year, people in the U.S. will spend a record $12.2 BILLION on Halloween. That’s up 15% from 2022 and explains why we’re seeing so many more one-story skeletons, animatronic spiders and inflatable corpses on front lawns.
But what are we all REALLY afraid of?
Something has to be driving our growing national obsession with the grotesque and gory. Something deeper has us running for the dark.
Maybe make-believe monsters are easier to face than our own reality.
It certainly seems like we’re more hooked on horror than ever before.
Slasher films and monster movies used to be fringe fare for dark and moody weirdos. Now anything with a demonic nun or possessed doll is destined to reap box-office gold.
Every October, the networks and streaming services embrace our thirst for the fantastically frightening by serving up a month-long buffet of its most twisted, blood-spattered movies and shows. Most people just can’t get enough.
But I’m not that much of a horror movie fan.
Sure, some things will ALWAYS be scary…
When you find a strange man in your basement standing in the corner.
If you see the vampire from Salem’s Lot floating outside your window.
And if that normally unoccupied old well in your backyard suddenly has a pale Asian girl with long black hair climbing out of it like a backwards crab.
That stuff is a great big bowl of NO THANK YOU.
But here’s my issue…
As an adult, I don’t live in constant fear of ghosts and ghouls and deep-fried child molesters with ugly sweaters and Ginsu fingers.
I’m not worried about hordes of shuffling background artists with latex head wounds and hobo clothes.
And I don’t have to check under the bed for monsters because I know the only thing under there is a giant Tupperware bin for wrapping paper, two odd socks and a crap-ton of dust.
I’ve never craved the adrenalin rush of jump scares. I don’t enjoy the squirmy stress of waiting for a machete/pitchfork/poker to skewer the next co-ed camper.
I don’t need more nightmare fuel because my tank is full, thanks.
There are plenty of things that keep me up at night and none of them have fangs or glowing red eyes.
And I don’t think I’m alone.
That’s why, once Hollywood’s labor woes are settled and they get back to making movies, I humbly suggest they consider something different when it comes to horror.
I’m not asking for the genre to turn its back on sexy vampires, masked serial killers and Babadooks, but if they think outside the Lament Configuration Box, they could come up with some truly scary stories for people like me.
I’ll make it even easier for them.
Here are some can’t-miss, realistically scary movie ideas:
The Random Dermatologist
So there’s this thing called an annual full body skin check, where a doctor has to look over every inch of your ridiculous, middle-aged body. We’re talking “Full Monty” in the harsh light of day. Yikes, right? But even worse is when you don’t have a regular dermatologist and you have to wait to see who walks through the door with purple gloves and a magnifying glass. It could be anyone! And sometimes they bring an intern! Buckle up!
Help! I’m a Teenage Girl!
What happens when a gypsy at the DMV puts a body-switch curse on you and your teenage daughter? I’ll tell you what happens, you have to go to high-school until things get sorted out because if you miss the AP Chemistry midterm, your/her GPA may never recover. The problem is that it’s her body but YOUR dumbass brain and you have no idea what you're doing and OH MY GOD THERE’S CALCULUS TOO? In between classes, you’re expected to keep up with the group text chat, which is full of boy drama and modern slang that may as well be in goddamned Mandarin. Also, homecoming is next weekend! Good luck!
The Basement
Basements have always been terrifying because that’s where you usually find the secret murder room, the evil clown lurking in the shadows or the hidden portal to Hell. But this movie will examine the real horror of a basement from the perspective of a not-so-handy homeowner. What is that SMELL? Why is that pipe always wet? Why are there SO MANY WIRES? Should I try to paint down here or just board up the door and pretend this place doesn’t exist? It’s just a hot water heater… it’s NOT smarter than me!
Late for Everything
One day a man wakes up super tired and realizes he MISSED A ZOOM MEETING! That’s not good. The next day, he oversleeps and MISSES HIS FLIGHT. Oh no! And then it just goes downhill from there. Court dates. Dinner reservations. Concerts. Eventually, he is late for so many things he just drops dead from excessive tardiness, and because of a mix-up at the morgue, is four hours late to his own funeral. I know it doesn’t sound that scary, but believe me, for people who like to be on time, this movie will have to come with a “Don’t poop your pants!” warning label.
Thanks for reading!
Let’s be careful out there.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete
Five Song Friday 085
“Take a Chance” - Naked Giants
I’m not saying that if you love ABBA’s “Take a Chance on Me” you will automatically fall for this danceable banger from Seattle’s Naked Giants. But if I were a gambling man, I’d wager good money on the fact that you would find it at least mildly irresistible. I’m also willing to bet that after repeated listens, this song will energize the funky inner child trapped within your crusty, grown-up outer shell. What does that even mean? I don’t know, I’m not your therapist. Go ask your mom.
“Protest Anger” - Noah and the Loners
Ever notice that young people are mad about EVERYTHING? Like somehow they’ve discovered the world they live in was not how it was pictured in the brochure and they have to yell and stomp until they get their money back? They are very quick to throw a fist in the air and wave it around like they really DO care. And I’m okay with that. Youthful rage is their right. Let them make signs and chant the F-word while they can. Soon enough, all they will want is comfortable chair and loose-fitting pants.
“Mr. Soul’” - Buffalo Springfield
I blame classic rock radio for fueling the myth that there were only like 100 songs made before 1980. When it came to Buffalo Springfield, all we got served was the one hit. And even that tune was surrounded by mystery, because for decades I assumed the name of it was “Something’s Happening Here” or “Stop, Hey (What’s That Sound?)” or “Everybody Look What’s Going Down.” If you told me it was “For What It’s Worth,” I would have bet every dollar of my paper route money that you were insane and full of shit. And if we wanted to hear tracks like “Mr. Soul,” we had to find them on our own.
“Some of Us Are Brave” - Danielle Ponder
Danielle Ponder is a musician and a lawyer. I don’t think she works much as a public defender these days, but if she did, she could win every case by turning her closing argument into a smoky, soul-stirring, heart-crushing R&B ballad: “I’m going to rest my case, your honor, but first I’d like to introduce my band.”
“After Destruction” - Descartes A Kant
Three things sold me immediately on Descartes A Kant.
They are described as Mexico’s premiere indie rock collective. Yo quiero!
The liner notes of their latest release looks like an ad for a 1983 computer system and includes the headline, “Now you can fill your existential holes.”
“No matter how corrupt, greedy, and heartless our government, our corporations, our media, and our religious & charitable institutions may become, the music will still be wonderful.” ― Kurt Vonnegut