Five Song Friday: Welcome to Our Fridge
Episode #128: Bucket Hats, Heavyweights and the Pluck of the Irish
Hello new friend! Welcome to our fridge!
You’ve received this email because you are either a refrigerated item purchased from a grocery store or an unfinished restaurant meal (we don’t use the L-word).
I’m sure you’re a little overwhelmed by your new surroundings, but we’re confident you’ll settle quickly into your new home.
Our goal here is to build a true community of consumables. You’ll find this is an inclusive fridge, where diverse flavors and ingredients combine without prejudice.
We celebrate edible equity!
We also believe in giving every food item a voice. We LOVE feedback!
Here’s a list of recent questions submitted by our residents.
I’m sharing to give you some insight into how we all work together as a family. A delicious democracy, if you will.
If you have any concerns or questions not answered here, feel free to submit a request by responding to this email.
REFRIGERATOR RESIDENT Q&A
I just arrived. Are there assigned shelves and/or drawers?
Yes and no. While we do have designated sections for groups like cheeses, spicy sauces and produce, you will find yourself moving around quite often.
Will you leave the light on when you close the door?
Unfortunately no. The light goes off as a factory-set function of the refrigerator and we have no control. We find most items eventually get used to the cold, cold dark.
Is that shriveled green pepper going to be okay?
Probably not. He is likely deceased. He will be removed soon. Please avoid the area.
I’m lactose intolerant. Can I NOT be placed near or around dairy items?
Nice try, Costco Jar of Pickles. You’re too big to fit anywhere else. Maybe try to be more accepting of items that are different.
I heard from some of the others that the two containers of miso have been around for a while. What’s the deal? Are they going to stay here forever?
Thank you for your question. It is our policy not to discuss meal planning. And unless your name is Miso, it’s none of your goddamned business.
I read that refrigerating bread can make it go stale faster. Maybe if you didn’t have the sliced wheat in here, the rest of us could have more room.
Was that a question? Because it didn’t sound like a question. It sounded like sass coming from a gourmet peach salsa that should shut the funk up. I know you were $7, but don’t kid yourself… you’re still just tomatoes, fruit and spices.
I’ve noticed that the door gets open and closed more frequently during the day on weekdays. Why is that?
I work from home and sometimes I get snacky. Knowledge work is harder than it sounds. I’m not going to explain myself to a tub of Organic Whole Milk Vanilla Yogurt.
I am a tiny jar of hot pepper jelly that arrived two Christmases ago. I can’t feel my legs and I miss my family. In the name of all that is holy, can you just eat me or throw me in the garbage?
I would love to end your suffering, but it’s not that easy. Gift foods can only be eaten or evicted by the recipient. It’s a complicated two-step process that takes time. Hang in there!
I’m ketchup that was purchased for a cookout this summer, but I haven’t been touched since. Should I be concerned?
To be honest, we’re not a big ketchup house. And you’re not helping yourself with all that crusty stuff around your squirthole. Super gross TBH.
Did you seriously call what you do “knowledge work” a few questions back?
Wow. Are you for real right now Whipped Philadelphia Cream Cheese? How DARE you? You better check yourself before you get double whipped, if you know what I mean.
How come all the Asian sauces get the top door shelf? They don’t speak English and none of them come to the weekly All-Fridge meeting.
I hear you Organic Free-Range Cruelty-Free Dozen Eggs. I also think you sound a little racist right now and I am NOT a fan.
So are you saying someone like a plumber DOESN’T use knowledge on the job? Only people who sit at home and make “CONTENT”?
We’re not doing this now Cream Cheese.
No, screw that. You want all of us to get along and make nice nice, even though EVERY single leftover-doggy-bag you drop in here is an absolute A-hole who thinks they are better than us. You have TWO Mason jars of home-pickled god-knows-what in the back that are scaring the crap out of all the kids. And there is death EVERYWHERE I look. Have you seen what three weeks does to a shrink-wrapped English cucumber? It’s not pretty. In fact, it’s pretty fucking horrible.
I think you should leave.
Fine with me. This place is bullshit.
Five Song Friday #128
“White Lightning” - KC Booker
Look, I know the album cover looks like someone doing Beck cosplay mixed with the Krofft Superstars and the New Radicals. But before you judge a song by it’s album cover, you should first sample the sweet, funky tang and twang and THEN decide. Sure, my man sounds like he drinks Mellow Gold by the gallon and dude isn’t afraid to show up to the party with two turntables and a microphone. Who cares? It gets my knees bouncing. Personally, I long for the good old days of 2006, when we all wore flared corduroy pants and bucket hats. It was a simpler time when everyone thought Pluto was a planet, the Wii went head-to-head with the PS3 and it seemed like The Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift was as good as it was going to get.
“Weight of the World” - Dee
According to Dee, “the weight of the world is heavy like the love of a girl.” I’m not great at science stuff, but if we’re talking sheer poundage? The Earth would be pretty heavy if you put it on a scale. Think of all that water, the mountains and every SUV on the planet. All of the heavy people on TLC. Plus how many sleeper sofas are still around? Moving those things is like trying to lift Thor’s hammer! The whole entire Earth must weigh like a billion pounds at least! Am I right? No seriously… am I?
“Walkin’ In The Sun” - Fink
Dear God, is it too much to ask for the ability to play a guitar and sing like a gosh darn angel? I mean, what would life be like if I could just pick up an instrument and rattle off a little ditty like this? I’d be so much fun at parties! I promise I would use my powers for good and I would never write or perform songs that encourage drug use or rude behavior. And if I became a big-city subway busker who regularly moved commuters to tears and I went viral with a clip of me performing an acoustic mash-up of “Down with the Sickness” and “Candle in the Wind,” I would totally give you credit.
“Do What I Want” - WizTheMc
Update: It turns out that WizTheMc did NOT go to Hogwarts. He has no magical powers and has never owned a velvet cloak. He’s just another South African-German rapper who lives in Canada. Sorry if you got your hopes up.
“Another Round” - The Scratch
This is another one of those songs where you’re either all-in or all-out. If you’ve been waiting for a rousing, proper Irish punk rock jam about drinking pints and singing IRA tunes on a Tuesday night? Your ride is here. If you don’t like shamrocks OR shenanigans? Keep walking, ya gobshite.
“Some people don’t even realize they’re bitter. If you don’t know whether you are or not, here’s a quick quiz you can give yourself. If you ever wake up in the morning and the first thing you say is ‘Oh, fuck, not again,’ you might be a little bitter.” - Marc Maron (Born September 27, 1963)
Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete