Five Song Friday: Wellness Check
This Week: Stupidity, Sandwich Sacrifice and Songs About Sex
I hope this email finds you well.
Though I suppose anything is possible.
You could be unwell.
You might even be in danger.
You could be tied up in a basement and your kidnapper is reading this on your phone.
If so, they are definitely disappointed this was not the email telling them, “Okay, we will bring one million dollars to the Waffle House parking lot. Please let my loved one go.”
They were really counting on that money.
You could be trapped in your car, teetering on a high cliff. Or locked in a walk-in freezer without a coat.
Maybe instead of drinking from your favorite skull and crossbones coffee mug, you got confused and took a swig from that old-timey bottle of poison you keep on the kitchen counter.
I’m always assuming you’re safe and happy and healthy.
I imagine that my email arrives like a morning bluebird on the sunny windowsill of your Friday morning.
“Hello old friend!”
But maybe, right now, you can’t even access your inbox.
Maybe you are in a courtroom, getting pointed at by sobbing people on the witness stand.
Which is really messed up and maybe you shouldn’t be worrying about emails right now.
Unless the judge asked them, “Can you point to the person who saved your life on that terrible day? Can you identify the courageous and selfless hero in this courtroom?”
In which case, good job. I am super proud of you.
You could be laid up in a hospital bed, unable to reach your phone which just made a “da-ding” noise.
Your brain received the urgent signal, but there’s nothing you can do on account of your shattered spine. Your motor functions are basically offline, which gives you plenty of time to lie here and realize that yes, you are absolutely too old for parkour.
Or maybe there are simply more important matters at hand.
Like right now, you’re at the bank, watching the manager confirm that all of your money is gone.
He makes a sad face and slides you a pamphlet on how to avoid scams on Facebook Marketplace.
“Going forward, I would probably just say NO to anybody who wants you to ship an old couch to Equatorial Guinea.”
You could be delivering a presentation at work with videos embedded in slides that you hope and pray will play when you press the stupid goddamn button.
Maybe it’s your turn to read a book to your daughter’s class and you’re a little bit nervous.
You’ve done it many times before, but this is high school and you just realized that Matthew Perry’s memoir is 272 pages long!
There’s always the chance that my email finds you asleep.
Plenty of people don’t rise before noon.
You could have pulled an all-nighter for the big test.
Or perhaps you love drinking coffee and doing hard drugs into the wee hours.
Maybe you couldn’t say no to another BBC crime drama.
I get it. Those British shows about murdered children really hit the spot!
You already figured out by the second episode that the town pervert and the creepy stepfather were just red herrings, but you couldn’t turn it off until everyone realized it was the detective chief inspector who strangled Millicent and left her in the woods.
You put in a lot of hours. You deserve the rest.
I always hope this email finds you well, but the point is that I never know for sure.
Every week, I rattle off my nonsense and send it out into the world.
When my email arrives, I like to think that everyone applauds, sends it to the printer and curls up in their favorite cozy reading spot where they proceed to be mildly amused by my words and bewildered by my musical selections.
I realize that’s an unlikely scenario.
But it’s better than imagining you getting a notification after waking up in an ice-filled bathtub with 100 stitches and zero kidneys.
Five Song Friday 110
“Stupid” - Smudged
You ever seen those “I’m With Stupid” t-shirts? This is the song that shirt is pointing at. But this song knows that it’s stupid and in a way, that makes it smart.
“Give It Up for Love” - Gossip
Relationships are about sacrifice. You give up a part of yourself and the other person surrenders some of themselves in return. Sometimes it means you give away your new hoodie. Other times it’s half a sandwich. Those sandwich times are the best.
“Is It My Love” - Oh He Dead
Another love song? Yes. As long as I’m the manager here, there will always be room for another love song.
“Unkillable” - Bloodshot Bill, Wild Dill
“He owns every gun in the world and once disguised himself as a girl,” is what I would like written on my grave marker. Please make a note.
“Magic On My Back” - Mykki Blanco
I know what you’re thinking: this song is definitely about sex. And you are correct.
“The twang’s the thang.” - Duane Eddy (Born April 26, 1938)
Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete