Five Song Friday: White Email Privilege
Episode #147: Tickling Zoo Animals, Crushing Homework, and Singing Into Space
Dear Sirs: I’m writing in regards to the All Citizen Email Blast sent today.
First, let me say that the fonts were very cool and I love that you put a picture of me at the top.
Was that a screenshot from the self checkout at the hardware store? Or did you download it from my Ring doorbell?
Either way, it was a welcome personal touch and I appreciate it.
FYI: I did not click on the Kid Rock music video because I’m saving that for later.
As a chronic procrastinator I also appreciate that you included a countdown timer. Nothing like a firm deadline to keep me motivated!
I can fill out the “What did you do last week?” section no problem.
Kicked ass. Took names. Shared memes. Owned the libs. Hugged the flag. Finally finished the last season of Yellowstone.
Easy peasy.
But I have a few questions about the other parts.
When you ask for a list of “five things that prove your life has value,” do you mean “value” in the financial sense or the overall sense?
Do you want an accounting of my assets and income and stuff like that? Or are you more looking for ways in which I enrich the lives of others and contribute to society?
All of my tax documents are stowed away in the attic, so if it’s the second one, that would save me from climbing the ladder and breathing in a whole bunch of dust.
I assume bullet points are sufficient.
And when you say “explain specifically what you have done to protect and defend the United States in the last 90 days,” are you asking if I have thwarted credible terrorist plots or just kept a watchful eye on the airspace over my cul-de-sac?
Because I’m always calling in suspicious, un-American drones and one time I thought I saw a hot air balloon filled with immigrants but it was just a weirdly shaped cloud. Better safe than sorry!
Honestly, I spend so much time looking at the sky, my neighbor calls me Mr. Birdshit Face because of a gross thing that happened ONE TIME.
I told Kenneth that’s not how nicknames work. You get a nickname from stuff that you always do, not freak accidents. I asked if he would like to be called Mr. Lawnmower Heat Stroke Pee Pants? He said no.
I do weekend shifts with my local Oceanfront Watch Patrol. I wasn’t there, but last month, one of our guys spotted a Canadian submarine!
And my family has a Spring Break trip scheduled in April to help set mines in the Gulf of America. But if you’re strict about keeping it to the last three months, I understand.
I think it’s more fair to keep it recent, otherwise none of us would stand a chance against combat veterans.
My neighbor has a wicked high body count from Desert Storm and he keeps saying that there’s no way he gets culled in a million years.
And I’m always telling him to get up and do something NOW because dropping bombs on people 35 years ago is not some kind of lifetime get-out-of-jail-free card.
Like the saying goes, “Real Americans Know Freedom is a Verb.”
I’ve thrown a lot of questions at you, but if you could get back to me ASAP that would be great (clock is ticking! LOL!).
Anyway, I know you’re crazy busy with the National Park Frack-a-Thon and groundbreaking for the National White History Museum, so I won’t keep you any longer.
But I also wanted to say you’re doing a great job.
You probably don’t hear that enough. There are plenty of people who like to complain about the new, more efficient and more awesome America.
Not me.
I’m here for it 110%.
You and all the guys at the Department of United Conservative Homeland Excellence (DOUCHE) are doing the Lord’s work.
Haters going to hate. People who get fired after 25 years of hard work are going to use bad language. And children who watch their parents get deported are going to cry.
But if America wants to be a great omelet again, we need to break some eggs.
So keep on breaking them and ignore the noise.
Don’t listen to the protests, read the handwritten signs or watch late-night TV.
And if anyone ever responds to one of your All Citizen Emails with:
“If you really want to know what I did last week, you should ask your mother.”
Delete it and forget it.
Because that’s not funny, it’s just rude.
Five Song Friday #147
“Not in Surrender’” - Obongjayar
Did you know you could put your hands up “not in surrender”? Apparently you can do it while dancing or pretending to fly like Superman. You can do it when playing basketball if you want your teammate to throw you the ball. You can do it when you need to see if your armpits smell bad. It’s also good for stretching your body, reaching items on high shelves and tickling a giraffe. According to Wikipedia, people also do it on rollercoasters and at concerts where they are encouraged to “wave them like they just don’t care.” Fascinating!
“Trip to Your Heart” - Sly & The Family Stone
I was today years old when I learned that the hookiest bit from LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out” is a Sly sample. Actually, that’s a lie. I was today + one week years old because that’s when I watched the very excellent documentary, Sly Lives!, made by Questlove. Another fun fact: Sly is indeed still alive! Check it out!
“Life of a Scholar” - 3 Titans, Menahan Street Band
I guarantee this is the catchiest tune about being a good student you will hear all week.
“Is Anyone out There?” - Will Varley
I know that we sent a couple of golden records out on Voyager just in case aliens stumble upon our spacecraft. There are songs and pictures and sounds and all kinds of things meant to help extraterrestrials figure out what’s up with the human race and life on Earth. But this song would make a pretty good late addition to the playlist. So if anybody knows somebody who knows somebody, let’s make it happen!
“wwprd” - Jeffrey Lewis
Look, I don’t want to be one of those armchair activists who encourages people to get out and take a stand when I’m too lazy to hold a piece of poster board and flip politicians the bird while yelling that I want justice and I want it now. That would be lame. But what I will say is that this song reminds me that art can have an impact and can inspire people and somehow, some way, somewhere might make a bigger difference than you think. Do with that what you will.
“Talent is liquified trouble.” - Frank Gehry (Born February 28, 1929)
Thanks for reading!
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely,
DJ CrankyPete