Gonna Fly Now
Episode #192: Am I Bugging You? I Didn't Mean to Bug You
There’s a giant fly in my office, bouncing off the window glass like a lunatic.
He can see that it’s beautiful and sunny out. Spring has sprung and the world is alive. He desperately wants out, but he’s trapped inside.
Me too, buddy.
He’s a big boy. Very chonky. Probably got teased as a maggot for being “husky.”
Dude’s been here all morning. Landed on my bare leg for about a minute, so we’re basically best friends now.
But I’m not giving him a name. Emotional vulnerability with insects only ends in heartbreak and I’ve been burned before.
We don’t have time to get deep anyway. Poor bastard only has a few weeks of life if everything goes well.
If he’s stuck in here without food or water? Google gives him 72 hours tops.
I’d offer him some of my coffee, but I have a firm rule about sharing mugs with bugs who eat poo. No way José.
But my man looks mad hungry. He can sense that all the good gross stuff is outside and it’s driving him nuts.
He can see the trees and grass on the other side of the window. Past the two panes of glass and beyond that pollen-covered screen. If only there was an opening.
I suppose I could crack a window, but Daddy’s working. I’m in the zone and not keen on upsetting my flow for 10 minutes of shoo-fly.
If he really wants out, he can find the door, make his way downstairs and spare me the hassle of being a hero.
Bro could buzz his fuzzy ass right out the back porch slider. On the way he could hit the all-you-can-eat buffet at the garbage can. Maybe even find some fly girls lounging by the sink disposal.
It’s called self-reliance. Suck it up and sort yourself out, little buddy.
I don’t feel bad. Me not helping him is an act of kindness. He’ll look back on this tough love as a blessing. Remember me as the giant with hairy thighs and a heart of gold.
Apart from his crap diet, there is a part of me that envies him.
The chubby bugger has it easy. Flits about without a care in the world. Goes anywhere he wants, whenever he wants.
Homie just landed on my globe. Walked across Australia and sat his big black behind on top of New Zealand. Good for him. I always wanted to go there.
He’s not worried about gas prices or the Supreme Court. No opinion on war or AI. Hasn’t watched one episode of Love Island.
He’s an insect, unbothered by schedules or deadlines. His calendar is wide open.
If he had an agenda? All it would say is “March 15 to April 15ish - LIVE LIFE. EAT SHIT. ROCK ON.”
Real talk? There are days I’d trade places with him. Do a quick Freaky Friday thing… but on a Monday.
Instead of working, I’d cruise around the house at an easy breezy 5mph. Hang out in the houseplants. Vomit on food scraps because I lack the ability to chew.
Yes sir, a body swap sounds pretty good to me.
Meanwhile, he would be me. On Zoom calls. Creating “content.” Realizing that PowerPoint is not the program we need, but the program we deserve.
Of course, he’d have to get used to not seeing things in almost 360 degrees with 6000 lenses.
Sorry brother, as a man, you only get two. You get to see straight ahead with a little bit on either side. Even then, you need glasses.
No more seeing behind you. No more processing visuals more than 4x faster than humans. And your back hurts. And also your neck.
Honestly, in a man-fly switch, the fly gets the short stick.
He’s better off being himself.
Living a life of leisure and defecating wherever he lands. With maybe ten good days left, Big Buzzy deserves to spread his wings.
Damn it! I gave him a name. I made him real.
Now I care. I may even love him a little bit.
What a fool I am!
Sure, I can play it cool for now. Bite my lip and keep my feelings bottled up. Avoid him in social situations for a couple weeks.
But eventually the day will come when I discover Big Buzzy lifeless on the windowsill or find him on his back amidst the dust on the floor. And it will devastate me.
After I vacuum him, a moment of silence.
Another good one gone. One more tiny piece of my heart lost.
I can’t say that I’ll never forget him, because I definitely will. He is, after all, just a house fly. A mildly obese musca domestica that came and went like the wind.
The world is a massive place, full of bigger, more important things that demand our attention.
We can’t possibly care about everything.
But sometimes it feels good to try.
Episode #192 Playlist
1. “Follow Excitement” - Rizzle Kicks, Rachel Chinouriri
How do I square the idea of following bliss, pursuing passion and being forever in search of a good time with the Buddhist idea that desire is suffering? Great question. It’s simple. I just avoid fun at all costs. I deny myself any and all Earthly pleasures and stick to bone broth and YouTube train videos. And I feel FANTASTIC.
2. “This is Not a Song, It’s an Outburst” - Rodriguez
I like you Rodriguez, but I beg to differ. Definitely a song.
3. “Inbred & Butter” - Lipphead
I’m not sure if this collaboration between Eliot Lipp and Blockhead is the perfect song to make moonshine to, but it is (loosely) about moonshine, so the next time you’re at your still in the woods, maybe give it a spin?
4. “Long Island Iced Tea, Neat” - The Coup, Japanther
I was born on Long Island. I am a fan of unsweet iced tea. That said, the two of these things should not be friends. A Long Island Iced Tea is what you order if you can’t make a decision and choose “all the liquors.” I knew people who drank Long Island Iced Teas. They were all unserious, unhinged people. Many of them were alcoholics. One of them jumped through a plate glass window. I’m just saying.
5. “Behind the Sun” - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Full disclosure: I’m not a big Chili Peppers guy. But I’m a sucker for music docs and since my wife was out of town last week, I got to watch a couple. The Rise of the Red Hot Chili Peppers: Our Brother Hilel hits different. The Netflix documentary focuses on the friendship between the three original members, Anthony Kiedis, Flea and guitarist Hilel Slovak (RIP). It’s a love story, a tragedy, a cautionary tale, and proof that the universe works in mysterious and serendipitous ways. It also has butts in it.
Listen here…
Happy Birthday Notable Person!
“What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.” - Jane Goodall (Born April 3, 1934)
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely, DJ CrankyPete