Good Monkeys Go Watch Movies

Episode #155: Questions, Doubts, and The Persistence of Laziness

May 09, 2025

This summer, it’s time to get your butt back to the theater.

You remember the movie theater, right?

That place where you pay money to watch a movie in public on a screen that’s slightly bigger than your 150” flat screen at home?

The place that lets you pay Las Vegas nightclub prices for bottles of water?

It’s the place where you get to watch 15 HILARIOUS minutes of commercials for M&Ms and carbonated soda before 20 minutes of trailers for movies about quiet, ex-killing machines who just want to be left alone but are forced back into their old killing-machine ways by bad people who do something mean to the one person that the killing machine actually cares about.

That place.

Movie theaters. Sound familiar yet?

Because I have some BIG news: they are BACK!

Where did they go? Technically nowhere.

They’ve sheltered in place for the last five years and held on for dear life as shells of their former selves. Multiplex ghost towns with flickering neon and ugly carpeting, run by skeleton crews of teenagers, with one kid who stands at attention like an Arlington Cemetery soldier with a broom and a dustpan waiting to clean up after the guy who came alone to watch Conclave on a Tuesday afternoon.

To be fair, movie theaters had it rough after the pandemic.

You remember the pandemic, right?

That time in 2020 when we all huddled at home with loved ones, sprayed our Amazon boxes with bleach and pretended we were all in this together because John Krasinksi told us so?

Well, those days of 6 feet apart and Zoom Thanksgivings are long gone. We’re back to looking at people with masks as weirdos, and thanks to RFK Jr., we’ve eradicated all diseases that don’t start with “meas.”

That means, we’re all free to gather shoulder to shoulder, touching door knobs and arm rests with the same damp fingers we just sucked clean of popcorn salt.

It’s time to cash in some of your crippled 401k, pump that money back into the economy and return to the cinema for Summer Movie Blockbuster Season Time!

I can see by the look on your face that you’re confused.

Summer Movie Blockbuster Season Time is a federally mandated period of celebration created by the Hollywood industrial complex and Tom Cruise. It is meant to rouse Americans from their homes and the comfort of their designer couches and motivate them to drive to a non-home location and sit in much less comfy seats with strangers who never learned how to shut the fuck up.

Why? Because of stunts. Because of art. Because if you don’t go to the movie theater, then you are a bad person and a lousy American.

I know you don’t want to be a bad American who disrespects art.

That’s why I’m here to tell you about the dopest, coolest, most fire, must-see-in-the-theater movies of the summer of 2025 and you’re going to get so excited you jump on the couch like a crazy person!

Lilo and Stitch

This live-action version of the 2002 Disney classic is going to be bigger than cabbage patch gummy bears! Bigger than dabbing! Bigger than watermelon vapes! Why reboot? Because this is can’t-miss nostalgia bait for Millennials who can’t afford to buy houses right now, but the studio knows that 30-somethings will happily give up a week of avocado toast to have all the feels again. Gen X: If you still have the receipt from when you took your kids to see it 23 years ago, you may be exempt.

Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning

Who’s ready for four-hours of sustained, intense close-ups of Tom Cruise as he takes his (literal) victory lap as Ethan Hunt, the runniest of all action heroes? Everybody, of course. What is the 27th film in the M:I franchise about? Doesn’t matter. The world is in danger and Tom is teaming up with the Arby’s voiceover guy to “show you the money” and take off his shirt. Why is it called the “Final Reckoning”? Because it’s the last one and I reckon there will be a lot of wreckin’ going on whenever Tom gets his hands on a train, plane or automobile! Facts!

F1

In a season packed with sequels and reboots, this feels like the only ORIGINAL movie of the bunch. Brad Pitt stars in this edge-of-your-seat adrenaline ride about the first (and some say best) function key on the top of your keyboard. Lots of buzz about this one, and I especially like the marketing tagline: “If you’re looking for a great escape this summer, you’ll find it… one key over!” Shift+Alt+HELLS-YEAH!

Jurassic World: Rebirth

Wait, you’re telling me dinosaurs are REAL? And there’s one dinosaur on the loose that was built with the DNA of a T-Rex, a Great White Shark, a Honey Badger AND Jeffrey Dahmer? And coming to this dangerous island with Scarlett Johansson is a BAD idea? I’ll believe it when I see it, which I probably won’t because the last Jurassic Park movie left such a bad taste in my mouth that the only way to get rid of it was by eating a footlong submarine sandwich of wet cat food.

Superman

I know what you’re thinking, haven’t we had enough Supermans? Why do they keep making Mans of Steel when America clearly prefers the ultraviolet, homoerotic subtext of Deadpool and Wolverine? Here’s the thing: in times of darkness, people often turn to the light for comfort. This movie may be a refreshing break from the dark, brooding, and frankly, depressing direction of most comic book movies. It also has an adorable dog with superpowers, which I guess somebody somewhere asked for.

The Fantastic Four: First Steps

You want light and fun? Marvel says, “Hold my beer.” The final entry in the summer’s “Movies with Colons Trilogy,” is another attempt at bringing an OG superhero team to the big-screen. It’s a bold choice in terms of superhero origin stories, since it starts all the way back at the beginning and is ultimately a film that consists of footage of four babies learning how to walk.

The Naked Gun

I’m all aboard with a deadpan Liam Neeson acting silly as the son of Frank Drebbin. You had me at hello with the internet buzz about how he and co-star Pamela Anderson gushed about their mutual, middle-age chemistry. But I just cannot get on board with using CGI to bring back OJ Simpson as Nordberg. He was funny in the first films, but later in his career became better known as a murderer of people. And for that reason, I’m out.

See you at the movies!