Is There Anybody Out There?
Episode #152: Kangaroo Fights, Casserole Rap, and Six-Shooting Crooners
Dear all forms of life on K2-18b,
I hope this email finds you well.
I’m from a planet called Earth. We are roughly 120 light years away, in a neighborhood called the Milky Way galaxy.
We also have a popular candy bar called “Milky Way,” but that is a completely different thing.
Earth is a planet of plants, animals and human beings. We have oceans and mountains and gas stations.
I am a human being. I breathe oxygen, walk on two legs, and eat carnitas burritos. Sometimes I pay extra for guacamole.
There is so much I could tell you about this place, but it would be easier if I just sent you a link to Wikipedia. But be careful, you go there for one thing and then click on another thing and suddenly two hours have passed! It’s easy to go down a rabbit hole.
“Go down a rabbit hole” is a figure of speech. A rabbit is one of the animals on our planet. I assume they live in holes, but don’t quote me on that.
Why am I writing to you?
Our scientists recently discovered a molecule in your atmosphere that leads them to believe there may be life on your planet.
I certainly hope this is the case because otherwise I am just writing to a bunch of rocks and dust. (Taps microphone) Is this thing on? Ha ha.
How do we analyze molecules from distant galaxies? I have no goddamn idea. I just learned how to use location sharing on my iPhone.
Needless to say, we are super-excited by the idea of life on another planet!
It sounds conceited but many Earth people believe we are the only forms of life in the entire universe. You know, the UNIVERSE, that place with all the planets and stars that goes on for infinity?
I’m not one of those people.
But honestly, if you put a gun to my head, I’m not 100% on the intelligent life thing. I’d have to say my best guess is that somewhere out there, we’ll find sentient goo or a space potato with a face.
Sincere apologies if you are a gooey space potato.
When it comes to aliens, I never held out hope that we’d be visited by big-headed, wide-eyed creatures who can read our minds and tickle our souls.
I also never worried we’d get raped and pillaged by tentacled monsters who use our blood as a condiment.
Okay, I worried a little about the raping.
My point is that I’m SO glad to finally virtually meet you guys!
I don’t know if you even have email, and if you do, you probably just deleted this message or sent it to spam because you don’t know me from Adam.
Which is the RIGHT thing to do BTW, especially if I included an attachment.
But I figured it was worth a try.
I wanted to say hello. Namaste. Whatever.
And most importantly, I wanted to give you a heads up.
There are going to be a lot of eyes on you for the next few weeks, months, and maybe years. Smart people will be watching you, remotely analyzing your junk, and generally all up in your business.
My advice? Lay low.
Don’t draw attention to yourself. Keep the lights out, pull the curtains shut.
If anybody calls, don’t answer. Some guys in space suits show up unannounced? Don’t get the door.
Even if one of the guys yells, “K2-18b we can hear you moving around in there!” Just stay calm, they will eventually give up.
The thing is, you’re better off without us.
And right now, we’re going through some shit that you don’t want any part of.
We are mean. We are cruel. And we are SO dumb.
Seriously.
We make space potatoes look like Stephen fucking Hawking.
(I included the Wikipedia link for you to understand my sick burn.)
Good luck with everything. Sorry for the bad language.
Sincerely,
Pete from Earth
Episode #152 Playlist
1. “Me and the Girls” - Amyl and the Sniffers
In a perfect world, you get to see this band during a visit Down Under. One of your Aussie friends takes you to some Mad Max dive bar in the middle of the Outback, where you get punched in the face by the sonic ferocity of these glorious weirdos and cleansed by the siren screams of a leading lady who was engineered from the leftover DNA of Courtney Love, Furiosa and Harley Quinn. And then at the after-party you get to fight a kangaroo.
2. “Hurt Feelings” - Flight of the Conchords
If you claim there is a funnier New Zealand singing/rapping comedy duo, I will fight you. And keep in mind that I just fought a kangaroo. So you’re probably going to lose. Not to mention it’s mathematically impossible to top a lyric like, “I feel like a prize Asshole / No one even mentions my casserole.” Kanye West tried for years and look what happened to him.
3. “Comin’ Home Baby” - Mel Torme
The Velvet Fog, baby. Coming in hot. Fun facts about Mel: he was a fast-draw expert (like, pulling-a-gun-from-a-holster-and-shooting-it fast draw), a teen idol in the 1940s, a Mountain Dew commercial spokesman in the 90s, and he co-wrote “The Christmas Song” (chestnuts roasting on an open fire…). He also hated his nickname. But it’s fine if you call him Velvet Fog now because he’s dead.
4. “Another Day, Another Kick in the Nuts” - Stu Dicious
This is the theme song for my morning Google news feed scroll. Wheee!
5. “Mr. Motivator” - IDLES
On the short list of good things that came out of 2020, this song is near the top. The language is salty, the riffs are spicy and there are enough UK name drops that you’ll need to ask Siri, “Who is Joe Cal-fucking-zaghe” (FYI: British pugilist who was the longest reigning super middleweight world champion in boxing history), but it BANGS. I’m adding it now because it’s even more appropriate today. I couldn’t believe it hasn’t made any of these playlists, so much so that I stopped mid-sentence to double-check. But no. So here it is. Add it to your next March on Washington mix.
Listen here…
And also this…
The best way to tell Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to fuck all the way off is to way this Netflix series and fall in love with this beautiful human being. TRUST ME.
Birthday Quote
“In the worst of times, music is a promise that times are meant to be better. Ultimately, its most important political purpose is to keep us human under fire.”
― Robert Christgau (Born April 18, 1942)
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely, DJ CrankyPete