Operation Codename Makeover
Episode #197: A Helpful List of Suggestions for Our Hardworking Secretary of War
Pete, you seem like a cool guy. A real alpha American hero.
You don’t know me, but we share the same name. That means you can trust me.
I’ve never served in the military, but like you, I enjoy pull-ups, Old Glory pocket squares, and quoting Pulp Fiction.
I’d like to think that in a parallel universe we would be friends.
Just two cool guys hanging out and doing stuff like bowling and karaoke. When we walked in to parties, people would cheer and say, “Here come the Petes!” And then we’d do a funny dance and maybe a fancy handshake.
In the spirit of that imaginary friendship, I’d like to speak to you honestly, as a dear friend would.
Your codenames are lame.
All due respect, you are an inspiration to our ruthless warfighters. But your warmongering wordsmithery needs work.
Let’s look at what you’ve done so far…
Operation Southern Spear targeted “narco-terrorists” and “drug trafficking.” Definitely not “fishing boats” and “innocent civilians.”
But you got destroyed in the press because all anybody talked about was the “murder” and “war crimes.”
Sharing videos of exploding survivors didn’t help. Neither did the name.
“Southern Spear” sounds like a band that does reggae versions of Lynyrd Skynyrd songs. But that’s just me. I’m weird.
For everyone else, it’s common slang for a man’s downstairs parts. True fact. Google it.
Next, Operation Midnight Hammer went after Iranian nuclear sites.
“Midnight Hammer” also sounds like a penis nickname. Very much so. At this point, you’re two for two.
Thankfully, you switched gears for Operation Absolute Resolve, the one where we kidnapped President Nicolás Maduro from Venezuela.
“Absolute Resolve” does not remind me of anything as exciting as male genitalia. It reminds me of sleep because it’s so goddamned BORING.
If this was an operation where American commandos with machine guns invaded a sovereign nation to remove its leader, why make it sound like a John Grisham novel about a Kentucky lawyer taking on corruption in the Supreme Court?
Absolute Resolve? Absolutely NOT.
Fortunately, you went back to your hyper-aggro roots for Operation Epic Fury. Teaming up with Israel to bomb the shit out of Iran because Netanyahu wouldn’t stop asking us to… that called for something bold.
It called for anger. It called for rage. It required us to dial the mad up to eleven.
You’d think people would get it. That we’re not just furious with Iran, we’re EPICALLY furious. But again, it was mocked.
And then things started to really fall apart.
You announce the abrupt end of Epic Fury and then launch Operation Freedom, specifically to secure the Strait of Hormuz. Same players, different strategy.
A quick pivot. Some light rebranding. I get it. But FREEDOM?
Seriously bro, did you even TRY?
Freedom is a brand of sanitary napkin. And also a George Michael song from 1990. The definition of freedom is “the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action.”
How is that a good name for us trying to take a Middle Eastern shipping lane by force? We want to blow stuff up and steal giant boats full of oil, not empower individuals to “embrace their potential without limits.”
Then a day or so later, Trump goes on TV and calls it Operation Freedom Plus.
What the WHAT? Is that the same as Operation Freedom, except you also get Hulu and Disney and there are no ads? What is even happening over there in the Pentagon?
Allow me to quote Marco Rubio quoting Ice Cube: “You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.”
Pete, the world is watching. If the United States Armed Forces want to project strength and command respect, you need to step up your naming convention game.
But you also need to be clear about objectives. Nobody knows what you guys are doing over there and generic names like “FREEDOM” only make it seem like you don’t know what you’re doing either.
That’s why I stayed up late last night and compiled a comprehensive collection of codenames (and suggested strategies) for operations that could end this Strait of Hormuz standoff.
I’ll send the full list as an Excel file later, but here are my favorites.
And because I’m a good patriot, any or all of these are yours to use as you see fit.
Operation Thunder Hammer Lightning Swordfist - What’s a “swordfist”? That’s for us to know and the bad guys to find out. But basically, it’s a boxing glove with three swords duct-taped to it. You hand one out to every U.S. soldier and tell them “if anyone gets crabby, you get STABBY!”
Operation Hail Mary - Don’t let the name fool you. This has nothing to do with the mother of Jesus. This is about putting Ryan Gosling in a rocket ship full of angry bees. He makes an “emergency” landing in the Strait and when they open the capsule, they’re like, “Oh! It’s Ryan Gosling!” But then they’re like, “Oh NO! BEES!”
Operation There’s Something About Mary - This is basically the same plan but with Cameron Diaz in a helicopter with snakes.
Operation Cocaine Bear, Crack Crocodile, and Meth Moose - Get a bunch of dangerous animals on hard drugs, load them up on a tanker–Noah’s Ark style–and send them into the mix. You want to board this vessel? Okay, but I hope you like getting eaten!
Operation Fire & Rain - James Taylor offers to play a free concert on the deck of an Iranian ship. Except it’s not really James Taylor, but a lifelike robot version with flamethrower arms. Don’t stay for the encore… if you want to survive!
Operation Trojan Trump - I haven’t worked out the details yet, but the main idea is to build a life-size Barron Trump sculpture and offer it as a gift. You tell them it’s solid gold, but it’s actually hollow and full of Navy SEALS!
I hope these ideas help. I can’t imagine how they wouldn’t.
God Bless our troops.
God Bless the United States.
And if you happen to sneeze while reading this… God Bless You!
Episode #197 Playlist
1. “Huffer” - The Breeders
The Breeders. What else can I say? Maybe “The Breeders” again? Okay. The Breeders.
2. “Switch Up” - Mike D
Mike D of Beastie Boys fame is back with new music that he made with his kids! They aren’t toddlers or anything, they are grown adult musicians. So it’s not a bunch of songs about farting and sharks. Or maybe it is. Honestly, I have no idea what this song is about, but I signed a blood oath back in 1989 to adore everything Beastie-related. I am legally obligated to love it. You might not like it, but not everything is about you.
3. “Black Power” - The Peace
Zambian rock and roll from 1975. The best.
4. “Free” - Myka 9, Blu, Mono En Stereo
If I could have one superpower, it would be the ability to freestyle rap. Or maybe invisibility. Oh man, if I could be invisible AND rap freestyle? I would be unstoppable.
5. “mangetout (The Dare Remix)” - Wet Leg, The Dare
Get lost forever. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.
Listen here…
Happy Birthday Notable Person!
“Stop thinking about art works as objects and start thinking about them as triggers for experiences. What makes a work of art good for you is not something that’s already inside it but something that happens inside you.” - Brian Eno (Born May 15, 1948)
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely, DJ CrankyPete