Too Weak Notice
Episode #160: Self-Pruning, Shredded Meat and Phone Book Nostalgia
Here’s what I know for sure about knowing nothing about nothing.
When someone asks you something you don’t know, something you don’t want to talk about, or something you definitely know the answer to, but don’t want to say out loud…
You say “two weeks.”
“It will take two weeks.”
“I’ll have it done in two weeks.”
“I’ll make a decision in two weeks.”
Two weeks is the perfect duration for obfuscation.
Tomorrow is too soon. Next week sounds like you’re just stalling. One month makes you seem crazy.
Two weeks implies you need time to put in deep thought and real work. Two weeks gives the impression you’re gonna roll up your sleeves, book some meetings and really mash that nose to the grindstone.
But “two weeks” is a smokescreen.
“Two weeks” is the thing you throw in the abandoned warehouse so the killer who is chasing you thinks you’re somewhere over there for a second so you can sneak up behind him and knock him out with a fire extinguisher.
“Two weeks” is bullshit.
For me, the phrase has been a punchline ever since The Money Pit.
You remember that 1986 movie with Tom Hanks and Shelley Long? The one where they buy a huge old house and it takes forever to renovate and almost costs them their marriage?
Joe Mantegna and his contractors always have the same response whenever Tom or Shelley ask, “How long will this take?”
It’s funny because it’s true. That’s what contractors say, even when your house looks like it was exploded by missiles.
It happened to me.
Even when you look around at all the work to be done and you think, no way. No way this is finished in two weeks. It will take three days just to round up all the Hardees ice tea cups.
I’m not a very handy man, but I’m pretty sure that exposed studs and three broken toilets in the kitchen aren’t signs that we’re headed for the home stretch.
So how do they believe it enough to say it?
They don’t.
They’re lying and stalling and just making word sounds with their mouth hole to get you to stop asking questions they don’t have an answer to.
Which is why I shook my head at a recent story about the Israel-Iran conflict.
When reporters asked Trump what he—and more accurately, the United States of America—was going to do, his answer was that he’d decide “within the next two weeks.”
Besides not knowing how to install drywall, one of the many other things in which I am not well-versed is global conflict resolution. But like the toilet thing, it’s pretty clear to me that this aggressive exchange of ballistic missiles between countries suggests that urgent action is required.
This is a pin-less grenade that just landed at our feet, not a dentist appointment that needs to be rescheduled.
But what do I know?
The fuse is lit on a full-blown war in the Middle East, and it seems our President is hoping that it’s one of those really, really long fuses that you see in old cartoons.
“Within two weeks.”
Trump has said it many times before. He’ll say it many times again.
I’m sure you can find a compilation video of him using “within two weeks” to kick the can down the road for everything from healthcare reform plans and Mexican walls to tariffs and Tik-Tok bans.
“Two weeks” is standard ducking and dodging. Adding the “within” is expert-level evasion.
“Within” frees him from a hard decision date. There is no “within” option in Google Calendar.
“At some point in the next 14 days,” is vague enough to be annoying. It’s a nebulous, nothing span of time. Cowardly and commitment-free.
It’s hitting the snooze button on anything that vaguely resembles leadership.
What’s going to happen in two weeks?
Nothing. Everything. It doesn’t matter, because his words don’t matter.
All I know for sure is that every time we let him say “two weeks” without shouting “BULLSHIT” right back, we lose.
Everybody loses.
Episode #160 Playlist
1. “so unique” - Tikhet, Sepalot, Angela Aux
If I’m picking nits here, the whole concept of uniqueness is what got us into trouble in the first place. Human beings are ultimately connected to each other and every single living organism on Earth on a molecular level. Our fascination with being singular and special is a delusion that can only lead to disappointment and suffering. One of my favorite quotes is the Native American one about a tree cutting off its own branches. First of all, HOW would a tree do that? But even if a tree could handle a saw and somehow dismember itself… WHY would it do that? It’s just INSANE!
2. “Mirror Muscles” - Baby Dave
If you have never seen the 1977 documentary Pumping Iron, do yourself a favor and put that movie in your brain immediately. BUT, only if you enjoy watching oiled, muscly men like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Lou Ferrigno compete for the titles of Mr. Universe and Mr. Olympia. Arnold’s body and superhuman self-confidence are fascinating to watch, as are his musings on the joys of lifting heavy things. If you’re more into cooking shows or British murder mysteries? You can probably pass.
3. “haha” - Friedberg
Look, I’m not mad, just disappointed. I thought this song was going to make me LOL, but it’s not funny at all. At least not in the traditional sense. Maybe there are levels of humor that I’m missing. Maybe it’s a spectrum of light and color that my old ass eyes can no longer see. Maybe the hilarity is hidden in high frequencies that my old ass ears cannot hear. Or maybe the song wasn’t meant to be funny at all… and that’s the joke? Maybe it’s a bait-and-switch sitch? In which case, I’m LMAO right now.
4. “My Money” - Holy Moly & The Crackers
“My money comes and goes/it rolls and flows through my clothes.” This seems like a job for a seamstress.
5. “For What It’s Worth” - Stevie Nicks
I don’t know how to feel about a song written in 1966 about civil unrest that sounds completely relevant in 2025. I guess some of the anxiety and sadness is tempered by the voice of Stevie Nicks, who I’d listen to sing the phone book, if phone books were still a thing. Can I propose a trade? Bring back phone books and get rid of cops in riot gear shooting people with tear gas and rubber bullets.
Listen here…
Happy Birthday!
“If there's not love present, it's much, much harder to function. When there's love present, it's easier to deal with life.” - Brian Wilson (Born June 20, 1942)
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely, DJ CrankyPete