Your Bright and Shirtless Future
Episode #162: Spelling Crimes, Thor Songs, and Messy Marathon Men
Welcome to the first day of the rest of your new body’s new life.
You’ve received this message because last week someone you love saw you go into the water at the beach and they’re concerned. They’re worried about your pasty complexion, lumpy composition and general jiggly-ness.
They care about your health and asked me to help.
Okay… it wasn’t someone you love. It wasn’t even someone you know.
Full disclosure: this note was triggered by a complete stranger who called our 1-800 hotline.
And I’d love to say it was an act of random kindness and genuine concern, but the truth is that your half-naked body scared her children.
They thought you were a manatee in board shorts.
But now is not the time to dwell on the negative.
Now is the time to look at that pale, misshapen, baked potato torso in the mirror and give it the double bird. Hey love handles, why don’t you fuck off? Nobody wants you here.
Tell that soft belly to pack its shit because you’ve got a family of rock-hard abs moving in!
And I’ve taken the liberty of contacting your old college waistline. It will be here in 6 to 8 weeks so long as you agree to quit being a lazy carb whore.
Are you ready for this transformation? Are you ready to shed your sedentary ways and embrace a world of fitness, strength and positivity?
Of course you are.
Let’s get started...
I see from our records that you spend a lot of time in your head. You stare at screens. Every night you flop yourself on the couch like a corpse with the TV remote nestled into your cleavage.
Our first job is to activate everything below the neck with a series of movements that I like to call “exercise.” The concept is simple: physical exertion + time = Hugh Jackman.
You’ll hear from a lot of other “experts” that the key is to start slow and stay consistent. Do what you can, when you can. Any movement is good.
That’s fine if your name is Nana, Gammy or Meemaw. That’s fine if you’re a house cat or a tomato plant.
But you’ll need to do more if you ever want to work topless in the yard again.
Step One: Put that booty in motion.
Throw away your car keys. You walk everywhere from now on.
You walk to the mailbox. You walk to the hardware store. You walk to the gas station.
How will you carry all of your groceries? Make two trips. Make ten trips. Not my problem. Figure it out.
Step Two: Lift heavy things.
I’m not going to waste your time laying out some complicated workout plan. The world is full of heavy things and all you have to do is go around and pick them up.
Giant bags of wet dirt. Duffle bags full of cannonballs. A car with a horse in the trunk.
You may find this hard at first, but stick with it, it gets easier.
Step Three: Stop eating food.
“Did he just tell me to stop eating food?”
Yes he did. Food is the number one cause of big belly according to science, so let’s eliminate it from your diet.
Drink water. Take vitamins. Chew gum. Whatever it takes to kick the habit of putting sandwiches and whatnot into your mouth hole.
If for some reason you find this phase too difficult, a weak broth is fine on the weekends. Just make sure to use a 30-pound wrist weight to maximize your spoon reps.
That’s it! Three easy steps for turning your life around and showing those judgmental child strangers who’s boss! Three easy steps to go from doughboy to “Damn boy!”
But all I can do is show you the way. You have to walk the path.
You have to love yourself more than you hate yourself.
And you have to realize this isn’t about accepting who you are, this is about sacrifice and suffering and enduring relentless, all-caps PAIN in order to transform your physical appearance into a version of yourself that you deem socially acceptable and aesthetically pleasing to a general population who likely does not notice and most definitely does not care.
Good luck with all that. See you at the beach!
Episode #162 Playlist
1. “Out of Rhythm” - Lean Low, Jaydonclover
What kind of person thought it was okay to invent a word like r-h-y-t-h-m? You can’t just jam an H and an M together like that without anything in between. That’s a sandwich with no vowel meat. That’s just crazy. You should NOT be allowed to do that.
2. “Love is a Wish Away” - FaithNYC
That’s what kids think these days, right? Love is just a wish, or a swipe, away. All you need is a dumb sex app and a heartbeat and bingo BANGO… you find true love! Well guess what you weirdos, LOVE DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT! Real love takes work and sacrifice. Real love is a journey. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. And like a marathon, you need good shoes and plenty of water and sometimes you run so long and so hard that you have a serious accident in your underpants. But you know what? You keep running, because that’s love and what else are you going to do? Leave the race and Frankenstein walk to the nearest Starbucks bathroom? I don’t think so.
3. “Time to Dance” - The Shoes, ANTHONIN TERNANT
I like to dance like no one is watching when no one is watching. That seems like the most sensible and safest course of action for everybody.
4. “Abel” - The National
I hear rumors that The National is the official band of graying hipster dads who enjoy soulful baritone ballads about lost love and broken dreams. Nothing wrong with that at all. But I’m more fond of the feistier early works that inspire the kind of maximum effort air drumming that really gets the car shaking at stoplights. So if you ever see a beardy guy behind the wheel screaming My mind’s not right! My mind’s not right! My mind’s not right!, please say hello!
5. “Immigrant Song” - Ann Wilson
I think this song is more about Vikings and the hammer of the gods and whatever, but I thought ICE protestors could use a kick-ass cover anthem to fire them up as they face-off against all those paramilitary cosplaying chuckle-fucks. “Valhalla, I am COMING!”
Listen here…
Happy Birthday!
“Got a man in Japan and a dude in Tahiti / Believe me sweetie, I got enough to feed the needy.” - L’il Kim (Born July 11, 1975)
Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.
Sincerely, DJ CrankyPete